From my earliest days, my heart burned with a lust for unfettered freedom and ecstasy. There was no place for me for restrictions or social conventions. I just wanted to experience all that life could offer, regardless of cost or consequences with a mind as sharp as a razor, without a spark of foggy perception.
My life is like an unbridled dance on the shadow side of reality. Filled with ecstatic experiences, striving for perfection, from crazy night parties, to huge sums of money, to wild journeys through my own body in search of pleasure. There were and are no limits to my desires or inhibitions to my desire to explore.
My manipulation skills serve me to achieve even more freedom. People have become tools for me to satisfy my lusts, and each betrayal or lie causing anger become just more steps on the road to eliminating unwanted individuals and creating a personal paradise where I can control everything, including sounds, temperature and tastes independent of majority opinion.
Although plunged into the murky ocean of my desires, I sometimes saw vague rays of light that promised peace and understanding. But I rejected these signals, ready to lose myself even further in the mad dance of my own desires. There are no boundaries or barriers for me, I'm just a seeker of perpetual pleasure and freedom.
Let him tremble who dares to look into the face of ...
If this is not copy pasted.
Excellent poetry. I mean it
So we have spoken before here on this topic.
Manipulation, lust for freedom are all qualities of an addict. How do i know it? Because am one. Am 10+ years clean now.
We have all done this and try to avoid as much as we can. Nothing to be ashamed of.
First step is accepting there is an issue. Reading your posts I can tell you have agreed to this.
Now second step is to let go and understand there is a power greater that will help you. (doesn't have to be God if you are an atheist)
So surrender to this power. Just think of it as the algorithm of the universe.
The following recommendations are from personal experience and therapy(I took until 5 years ago) .
Do NA meetings. Therapy isn't yet to designed to help addicts unfortunately as the impact is lesser than one recovering addict helping another. I was/am bipolar, border line schizophrenic. I am off meds for 5 years, I live like "normal people" now. I work, have a routine, spend time with family, travel, invest, learn and experience. Most of the folks I was associated with during my rough days either think I am dead or still a mess(I was very bad). I could manipulate anyone.
Now manipulation is a slow poison you consume. The only person that is cheated is you during this process.
So why am I telling all this? Because someone told me this 10-14 years ago. It took almost 4 years for me to accept things and 2014 I cleaned up. I was on and off from 2010-2014. Am just carrying the message of a 12th step program.
But again this is definitely not the forum to talk all this. Because not everyone on this forum is an addict like we are. So i would suggest you reach out to someone in the area, do meetings. It's free. I was welcomed with a warm hug and 0 judgements when I first the meeting.
Btw NA is a cool place, we still do fun things without the "durg" like driving 20 hours non-stop to reach an off-beat waterfall or campfires, or music shows, rock concerts.
Am passing the message.
Good luck and I wish you the best.
ps: if you are still reluctant, listen to this NA member sharing his experience