Does my letter suck balls?

Mr/Mrs Dentist has short attention span now a days (everyone does). You're going to have to get straight to the point after an attractive hook. That would give him/her incentive for reading on.

OP

Do not send that letter as is, does not sound right

Please revise

underachieved said:

OP

Do not send that letter as is, does not sound right

Please revise

Click to expand...

Care to explain why?

I sent the letter out and signed for $3,500 so it's not that bad.

But I've since revised this letter many times.

Clearly it worked well enough

HelloDarkness said:

Clearly it worked well enough

Click to expand...

It got the job done but I've changed a couple things since this version. I'll post it here when I get time

whiz said:

It got the job done but I've changed a couple things since this version. I'll post it here when I get time

Click to expand...

Awesome! I'm actually working on a version myself for my own use. Would you mind if I PM'd you and see what you thought?

HelloDarkness said:

Awesome! I'm actually working on a version myself for my own use. Would you mind if I PM'd you and see what you thought?

Click to expand...

Blur out personal details and post here so we can all roast it and learn from it

I think you should give them a call, or if doing a letter not saying exactly what you will do yet instead something to make him want to find out more, such as "I really want to help you get dozens of clients, are you free this week for me to give you a call?", you get the jist!

I agree that the letter is far too long.

Keep it succinct. Focus on benefits and explain things in simple terms (no technical jargon).

Aim to appeal to the emotions (greed, pride etc).

When editing it, ask yourself, does this bit help me achieve my goal (of getting them to call you), if not, get rid.

Also, the smiles line at the end is a little bit cheesy.

I am interested to see your revision.

good luck

mrmatt said:

Keep in mind that the first person to see this is the gate keeper. That person is more than likely sorting, opening and reading all of the mail. More than likely your letter is going to hit the trash before the doc even sees it. Why? She /he is also the person that answers the phones all day and is constantly getting telemarketers trying to sell her the same stuff with the exact pitch in your letter.

If I were you, I would try and get the home address of the docs and mail it there instead of to the office. Or figure out a way to circumvent the gate keeper. Or have such an amazing pitch that the gatekeeper gets excited about it, keeping in mind she or he does not give a shit about more patients because she is already "busy".

Click to expand...

That's a good point, on your sales letter I'd spend a few words for the secretaries too, pointing out that more patients means higher earnings and higher earnings allow to get pay rise even for the staff.

So, you already had some success... That's awesome. This is that old method.
I remember reading about it a few years ago. And of course it can work. It just depends on the person/situation.
I like the shorter version(s) of those letters. Yes, feel free to share that latest one. And let us know when you land more "deals.
Good luck!!

davids355 said:

Too much fluff, and as you mentioned - too many potentially insulting phrases.

Shorten it and simplify it:

Dear mr J Bloggs,

I found your website whilst doing some market research on google.

I searched for dentist in New York and you came up in 5th place.

I’d imagine you’re probably getting X number of leads from that query alone right?

If I could get your site to position number 1 I estimate you would get twice as many leads.

If you would be interested in hearing my full proposal I’d love the chance to pitch it to you.

Looking forward to your reply

Bob smith

Click to expand...

Let me brush that up even more:

Dear mr J Bloggs,

I saw your site while doing some market research on google.

I searched dentist in New York and you were ranking 5th.

I assume you’re getting X number of leads from that query alone, right?

If I could rank your site #1, you're guaranteed to get 2x more leads.

If you're interested in hearing my full offer, I'd love to pitch it to you.

Looking forward to your reply.

Bob smith

hasan7707 said:

Let me brush that up even more:

Dear mr J Bloggs,

I saw your site while doing some market research on google.

I searched dentist in New York and you were ranking 5th.

I assume you’re getting X number of leads from that query alone, right?

If I could rank your site #1, you're guaranteed to get 2x more leads.

If you're interested in hearing my full offer, I'd love to pitch it to you.

Looking forward to your reply.

Bob smith

Click to expand...

That’s decent.

One thing I was thinking about recently though - from an end user point of view: when I receive emails, I judge whether it’s spam before I even read the content.

My thought process goes like this:

Look at the subject: if it’s a mail-shot / spam / sales pitch / anything generic then bin it (I don’t even read the message).

If it sounds like it could be from a client or someone I actually know, then I’ll look at the contents (the preview that you get in most clients, not the full message).

When I look at that, I don’t even read it, I just look and sub-consciously I can decide if it’s a sales pitch / generic email just by the format.

So based on that I think further tweaks could be -
1. Subject - word this to make it seem like you know them: hey buddy, or quick catchup , quick question. Something informal and friendly like that.

2. For the body, think totally out of the box for the opening paragraph - something that won’t cunjour up any memories for the recipient - that way they HAVE to read it, to confirm what it’s about.

Only then do you go into the sales pitch and hopefully by then they’ll at least read the pitch, see the benefit and hopefully respond.

davids355 said:

That’s decent.

One thing I was thinking about recently though - from an end user point of view: when I receive emails, I judge whether it’s spam before I even read the content.

My thought process goes like this:

Look at the subject: if it’s a mail-shot / spam / sales pitch / anything generic then bin it (I don’t even read the message).

If it sounds like it could be from a client or someone I actually know, then I’ll look at the contents (the preview that you get in most clients, not the full message).

When I look at that, I don’t even read it, I just look and sub-consciously I can decide if it’s a sales pitch / generic email just by the format.

So based on that I think further tweaks could be -
1. Subject - word this to make it seem like you know them: hey buddy, or quick catchup , quick question. Something informal and friendly like that.

2. For the body, think totally out of the box for the opening paragraph - something that won’t cunjour up any memories for the recipient - that way they HAVE to read it, to confirm what it’s about.

Only then do you go into the sales pitch and hopefully by then they’ll at least read the pitch, see the benefit and hopefully respond.

Click to expand...

Hey [Name] is getting too generic these days :/

While I see better results with that, the main problem is, the people we're pitching are already in the marketing niche.

So they have this sort of resistance towards marketing tactics.

Being in a health or tech niche is different than being in the marketing niche. You really need to think outside the box.

Curious but did OP rewrite and test the letters?

The revised version is certainly better than the first one. Maybe you should consider switching the places of sentence 2 and sentence 3; I think it will have a better flow like that and it will sound more natural. If possible and where applicable, be more precise about where you found them (instead of just saying "I found you on the web"), so the letter will appear less generic.

Nice to see that you've got some clients thanks to this letter.
It would be nice to show us the edited version

-I'm of course joking with my language and my way of saying things bro, but it's my most honest opinion and what I literally do everytime I have to review sales letters or whatever messages a potential buyer has to read that has been written by some of my clients.-



Dr. Doc,


I understand that you likely lead a busy life, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. -> You positioned yourself as his bitch with the last words

I can get you dozens of extra clients per year. -> Not specific and it's a claim, not a fact. You're dealing with an academic trained, they don't like fluff especially nowadays

I found you on the web and did some research on you and your business. -> Not specific and if he's over 40 he'll found that creepy

You have some great reviews and it’s clear that you’re a good dentist. A potential client shopping online for a dentist would be silly to not choose you.
-> You're dick riding again and in in sub conscious you're making him think "I'm so good that I don't have a problem and consequentially I don't need your services, broke ass snake oil digital marketing guy seller, I've seen thousands of messages like this from scammers like you"

The only problem is that this potential client will be presented with a slew of options before even having the chance to see you; the majority of them being direct competitors (Top Competitor 1, Top Competitor 2, Top Competitor 3, etc.). If we were to compare web traffic to foot traffic, they are located on the busiest intersection in town while you are on the outskirts.
-> "I don't have time to read this uninteresting stuff, bye."

Why does this matter?

Dentistown locals are using Google to find a trusted dentist over 1000 times per month. That’s over 1000 opportunities per month to get a new pair of feet (or, for families, pairs of feet) to walk through your doors. That’s 12,000+ opportunities per year.
-> No proof or proof from authoritative source whatsoever

Now, am I saying I can secure all these opportunities for you? Of course not! But I can dramatically increase the likelihood that these online shoppers turn into a living, breathing clients sitting right in your office.
-> "Ok then get the fuck out of here, you're claiming all these potentials from tha internetz and now you can't bring them all to me, digital marketing guy? Online shoppers shop online, not in real life so I don't have anything to do with online shoppers, bye"

As I stated earlier, if potential clients find you, they would be silly to not pick you, but with several local competitors having the chance to pitch before you, these potential clients may never get the chance to see what makes you great. It’s likely that they’ll pick one of them and search no further – and that would be a shame.
-> BORING AND FLUFF

I’m sure your business is thriving, but a sub-optimized web presence could be costing you thousands (or tens of thousands) per year.
-> How do you know he/she will understand that? In which level of awareness about SEO is he/she? "Oh ten of thousands you say, digital marketing guy? I don't believe you! Christine, take this letter and add it to the toilet paper roll please"

Judging by the reviews I’ve read, you seem like the type not only to retain clients, but to get referrals often as well. If I could get you just two clients a month, how much would that make you in year? What about five years? Ten? What if they stick with you for life? What if each client referred you two more? What if they bring the whole family?
-> "Mind your business, you salesman piece of shit!" You're not painting the picture for them, you're using too many questions in the wrong way and they will make up weird facts and ideas in their heads.

You know your business better than I do, so I’ll leave the math to you.
-> No comment...

If some new smiles around the office is something that interests you, don’t hesitate to give me a call.
-> Now Christine, his/her secretary, doesn't have a smile anymore because she has to go add this piece of paper to the toilet paper roll.
P.S. I suppose you didn't include your number here for privacy reasons... You gave him a call to action and now he has to search for ways to contact you


Thank you for reading, -> "Shut up!"

(sig)

Whiz,
Online Presence Specialist -> "Oh yeah, another one of those internet marketing scammers that want my money cause I'm a dentist and I'm an easy catch that can afford his 1k/month service"

Whiz, I of course talk out of experience... I run a medium-size digital marketing agency in Italy (I do copywriting, advertising, email marketing, customer retention, profit maximization from existing customers and funnel strategies) and I deal with all these businesses that can afford our services EVERY DAY.

I know how many times they get cold approached by guys like us, mastering a letter and talking their language would give you a way better chance to get their interest and a consequent probable response -> $

No one here has mentioned the attention grabber.

I would have thrown all of the emails in this thread into the spam folder--simply because the first 2 sentences sound canned.

You have to think of an email as a funnel. The subject line needs to get them to open the email, and the first two sentence need to get them to read the email body. The body builds credibility, and leads to the CTA.

Highly recommend going to this thread: https://www.blackhatworld.com/seo/b...ing-by-drew-eric-whitman-book-summary.957026/

Implement at least 5 tips from there and your email will be 1000x better.

whiz said:

Care to explain why?

I sent the letter out and signed for $3,500 so it's not that bad.

But I've since revised this letter many times.

Click to expand...

Maybe that would not be the case if it were by email ..