Does my letter suck balls?

[whiz]

Here's my sales letter to get my foot in the door for dentists. Does it suck balls?



Whiz
123 ABC Street
Whiztown, USA 12345


Dr. Doc, D.M.D.
123 Dentist Road
Dentistown, USA 12345


Dr. Doc,


I understand that you likely lead a busy life, so I’ll keep this short and sweet.

I can get you dozens of extra clients per year.

I found you on the web and did some research on you and your business.

You have some great reviews and it’s clear that you’re a good dentist. A potential client shopping online for a dentist would be silly to not choose you.

The only problem is that this potential client will be presented with a slew of options before even having the chance to see you; the majority of them being direct competitors (Top Competitor 1, Top Competitor 2, Top Competitor 3, etc.). If we were to compare web traffic to foot traffic, they are located on the busiest intersection in town while you are on the outskirts.

Why does this matter?

Dentistown locals are using Google to find a trusted dentist over 1000 times per month. That’s over 1000 opportunities per month to get a new pair of feet (or, for families, pairs of feet) to walk through your doors. That’s 12,000+ opportunities per year.

Now, am I saying I can secure all these opportunities for you? Of course not! But I can dramatically increase the likelihood that these online shoppers turn into a living, breathing clients sitting right in your office.

As I stated earlier, if potential clients find you, they would be silly to not pick you, but with several local competitors having the chance to pitch before you, these potential clients may never get the chance to see what makes you great. It’s likely that they’ll pick one of them and search no further – and that would be a shame.

I’m sure your business is thriving, but a sub-optimized web presence could be costing you thousands (or tens of thousands) per year.

Judging by the reviews I’ve read, you seem like the type not only to retain clients, but to get referrals often as well. If I could get you just two clients a month, how much would that make you in year? What about five years? Ten? What if they stick with you for life? What if each client referred you two more? What if they bring the whole family?

You know your business better than I do, so I’ll leave the math to you.

If some new smiles around the office is something that interests you, don’t hesitate to give me a call.


Thank you for reading,

(sig)

Whiz,
Online Presence Specialist





The only worries I have are:

1. I don't want to seem insulting when I say that they're "located on the outskirts". But I do want them to feel a little pain/insecurity.

2. I hope listing search volume is not too technical.

3. I hope listing search volume won't bite me in the ass (Client: "You said 12,000 clients per year!)

4. I hope the last paragraph (where I ask how much two clients/month would make them) is not patronizing or condescending. I'm not trying to imply that they weren't thinking of the numbers.

My intent is to get them REALLY thinking about the numbers. I just want to get some wheels turning... I want them to get in their imagination and FEEL the client increase.

5. I hope the question paragraph isn't asking TOO many questions.



So these are my thoughts... what do you guys think? Does this letter suck balls? What's right with it? What's wrong with it?

-whiz

 

[davids355]

Too much fluff, and as you mentioned - too many potentially insulting phrases.

Shorten it and simplify it:

Dear mr J Bloggs,

I found your website whilst doing some market research on google.

I searched for dentist in New York and you came up in 5th place.

I’d imagine you’re probably getting X number of leads from that query alone right?

If I could get your site to position number 1 I estimate you would get twice as many leads.

If you would be interested in hearing my full proposal I’d love the chance to pitch it to you.

Looking forward to your reply

Bob smith

 

[whiz]

Too much fluff, and as you mentioned - too many potentially insulting phrases.

Shorten it and simplify it:

Dear mr J Bloggs,

I found your website whilst doing some market research on google.

I searched for dentist in New York and you came up in 5th place.

I’d imagine you’re probably getting X number of leads from that query alone right?

If I could get your site to position number 1 I estimate you would get twice as many leads.

If you would be interested in hearing my full proposal I’d love the chance to pitch it to you.

Looking forward to your reply

Bob smith

Thanks for the reply.

So you're in favor of technical stuff like # of leads, positions, etc.? I've seen a lot of people on here that are against being too technical on first contact.

I've also seen a bunch of BHW users being against "Rank Talk" (promising or implying positions like Rank 1 for a KW).

All of the people I'm targeting are Page 2 and beyond - maybe I can promise/imply Page 1? I don't wanna bone myself by setting the expectations too high (and possibly unrealistic).

A lot of these Page 2 / Page 3 people are getting next to no clicks so I don't know if I can even talk about their current status. Even doing so might be insulting. I dunno.

I mailed out 22 of them with the letter above. So we'll see what happens.

Probably going to revise/simplify for next batch and see if I get a better response.

 

[davids355]

Thanks for the reply.

So you're in favor of technical stuff like # of leads, positions, etc.? I've seen a lot of people on here that are against being too technical on first contact.

I've also seen a bunch of BHW users being against "Rank Talk" (promising or implying positions like Rank 1 for a KW).

All of the people I'm targeting are Page 2 and beyond - maybe I can promise/imply Page 1? I don't wanna bone myself by setting the expectations too high (and possibly unrealistic).

I’m just trying to think from the clients point of view -

1. The attention span will be extremely short so it’s got to stand out that there’s something for them to gain - that’s got to be immediately clear or you’ve lost them.

2. It can’t be too conversational otherwise it comes across like you don’t know what you’re doing - most business owners / decision makers are sharp and if they think for a second your just trying to sell them a story you’re gone.

3. Actions / images and visualisations speak much louder than words so even if it’s something other than rank, give them something simple to visualise.

4. Sure, don’t get too technical, I know what you mean there. And nope, don’t over promise but give them something- maybe like you said, page 1. And your only intimating - this is just getting them to bite; when you speak to them you can fine tune their expectations.

Basically when they read this you want there thought process to be:

Ah, this person is sharp, maybe they actually know their stuff.
Ah, that’s right - they’ve done some research on me.
Oh, that’s where I’d like to be; maybe I should speak to them.

A lot of these Page 2 / Page 3 people are getting next to no clicks so I don't know if I can even talk about their current status. Even doing so might be insulting. I dunno.

I mailed out 22 of them with the letter above. So we'll see what happens.

Probably going to revise/simplify for next batch and see if I get a better response.

Sounds good - prepare for sending out around 10 batches of 22; each one tweaked based on the previous results. Until you get it right.

 

[joseph15]

A lot of these Page 2 / Page 3 people are getting next to no clicks so I don't know if I can even talk about their current status. Even doing so might be insulting. I dunno.

I mailed out 22 of them with the letter above. So we'll see what happens.

Probably going to revise/simplify for next batch and see if I get a better response.

I think it's actually pretty good, but I agree that it should be shorter. Get to the point and try to avoid the fluff like "they would be silly not to choose you". If I was a dentist reading that letter, I'd feel like I should be cautious because what I'm reading comes off as very salesy, if you get what I mean. Just my opinion, but some business owners might raise their guard. Also I'd avoid getting too technical - just try to get a meeting and that's when you can explain the details, all he has to know is that there are more customers out there that you can help him get.

Are you sending out actual letters or are these emails? I figure something like this via email probably doesn't work out too well.

 

[William702]

Here's my sales letter to get my foot in the door for dentists. Does it suck balls?



Whiz
123 ABC Street
Whiztown, USA 12345


Dr. Doc, D.M.D.
123 Dentist Road
Dentistown, USA 12345


Dr. Doc,


I understand that you likely lead a busy life, so I’ll keep this short and sweet.

I can get you dozens of extra clients per year.

I found you on the web and did some research on you and your business.

You have some great reviews and it’s clear that you’re a good dentist. A potential client shopping online for a dentist would be silly to not choose you.

The only problem is that this potential client will be presented with a slew of options before even having the chance to see you; the majority of them being direct competitors (Top Competitor 1, Top Competitor 2, Top Competitor 3, etc.). If we were to compare web traffic to foot traffic, they are located on the busiest intersection in town while you are on the outskirts.

Why does this matter?

Dentistown locals are using Google to find a trusted dentist over 1000 times per month. That’s over 1000 opportunities per month to get a new pair of feet (or, for families, pairs of feet) to walk through your doors. That’s 12,000+ opportunities per year.

Now, am I saying I can secure all these opportunities for you? Of course not! But I can dramatically increase the likelihood that these online shoppers turn into a living, breathing clients sitting right in your office.

As I stated earlier, if potential clients find you, they would be silly to not pick you, but with several local competitors having the chance to pitch before you, these potential clients may never get the chance to see what makes you great. It’s likely that they’ll pick one of them and search no further – and that would be a shame.

I’m sure your business is thriving, but a sub-optimized web presence could be costing you thousands (or tens of thousands) per year.

Judging by the reviews I’ve read, you seem like the type not only to retain clients, but to get referrals often as well. If I could get you just two clients a month, how much would that make you in year? What about five years? Ten? What if they stick with you for life? What if each client referred you two more? What if they bring the whole family?

You know your business better than I do, so I’ll leave the math to you.

If some new smiles around the office is something that interests you, don’t hesitate to give me a call.


Thank you for reading,

(sig)

Whiz,
Online Presence Specialist





The only worries I have are:

1. I don't want to seem insulting when I say that they're "located on the outskirts". But I do want them to feel a little pain/insecurity.

2. I hope listing search volume is not too technical.

3. I hope listing search volume won't bite me in the ass (Client: "You said 12,000 clients per year!)

4. I hope the last paragraph (where I ask how much two clients/month would make them) is not patronizing or condescending. I'm not trying to imply that they weren't thinking of the numbers.

My intent is to get them REALLY thinking about the numbers. I just want to get some wheels turning... I want them to get in their imagination and FEEL the client increase.

5. I hope the question paragraph isn't asking TOO many questions.



So these are my thoughts... what do you guys think? Does this letter suck balls? What's right with it? What's wrong with it?

-whiz

Send that message out to 1000 people and then send a message out to another 1000 saying "I can get you more clients! Call me 555-555-5555" and see which one gets you more leads. I bet it will be the second one

 

[whiz]

I think it's actually pretty good, but I agree that it should be shorter. Get to the point and try to avoid the fluff like "they would be silly not to choose you". If I was a dentist reading that letter, I'd feel like I should be cautious because what I'm reading comes off as very salesy, if you get what I mean. Just my opinion, but some business owners might raise their guard. Also I'd avoid getting too technical - just try to get a meeting and that's when you can explain the details, all he has to know is that there are more customers out there that you can help him get.

Are you sending out actual letters or are these emails? I figure something like this via email probably doesn't work out too well.

Thanks for the input.

These are being sent out via physical mail. I have really nice envelopes and these letters are printed on nice paper in a nice booklet.

I was trying to be personal, but I can understand how certain things might come across as salesy.

I am a very personable person and really believe in what I say. I mean it when I say they would be silly to not choose that dentist. But I guess disingenuous salespeople have ruined the whole "personal" approach for me. I understand that they'll probably put up guards if I try to throw a compliment or something.


Should I strip the letter of all that complimenty, personal stuff and save that for the in-person meeting?

 

[whiz]

Send that message out to 1000 people and then send a message out to another 1000 saying "I can get you more clients! Call me 555-555-5555" and see which one gets you more leads. I bet it will be the second one

Damn. You guys know more than I do.

That's a harsh reality though, I guess.

I was looking for an angle to be unique or to stand out. I wanted to let a bit of personality shine through the letter.


I dunno. I just want the max response rate and I figured it would be through a letter like this instead of "I can get you clients. Call now!"

I have a lot to learn.

 

[whiz]

I really might just make a letter that says:

I can get you more clients.

Call me.

555-555-5555

 

[William702]

I really might just make a letter that says:

I can get you more clients.

Call me.

555-555-5555

lol don't go that far, it was just trying to make a point more than it be an example. You are on the right path if you are grinding and cold calling, you will learn a lot from sending messages out. No one gets it perfect no matter who they are.

 

[whiz]

lol don't go that far, it was just trying to make a point more than it be an example. You are on the right path if you are grinding and cold calling, you will learn a lot from sending messages out. No one gets it perfect no matter who they are.

Not cold calling yet, but I'll start once I get some experience through direct mail.

What was the worst thing about my letter?

Was it just too talky? To fluffed?

 

[William702]

Not cold calling yet, but I'll start once I get some experience through direct mail.

What was the worst thing about my letter?

Was it just too talky? To fluffed?

As long as you take action and send it to people that's the most important part. Try and shorten it a bit and get to the point. You could have the best email in the world but if you dont send it out it wont do you much good. You could have a crap message that you send out in mass that would do better than a highly targeted campaign. That's has always been my experience anyway. I find it's a lot less work too.

 

[mrmatt]

Keep in mind that the first person to see this is the gate keeper. That person is more than likely sorting, opening and reading all of the mail. More than likely your letter is going to hit the trash before the doc even sees it. Why? She /he is also the person that answers the phones all day and is constantly getting telemarketers trying to sell her the same stuff with the exact pitch in your letter.

If I were you, I would try and get the home address of the docs and mail it there instead of to the office. Or figure out a way to circumvent the gate keeper. Or have such an amazing pitch that the gatekeeper gets excited about it, keeping in mind she or he does not give a shit about more patients because she is already "busy".

 

[whiz]

Keep in mind that the first person to see this is the gate keeper. That person is more than likely sorting, opening and reading all of the mail. More than likely your letter is going to hit the trash before the doc even sees it. Why? She /he is also the person that answers the phones all day and is constantly getting telemarketers trying to sell her the same stuff with the exact pitch in your letter.

If I were you, I would try and get the home address of the docs and mail it there instead of to the office. Or figure out a way to circumvent the gate keeper. Or have such an amazing pitch that the gatekeeper gets excited about it, keeping in mind she or he does not give a shit about more patients because she is already "busy".

I made the envelopes and the presentation in a way that it appears to be a personal thing. I even wrote "PERSONAL" on it. I was hoping that this would prevent the gatekeeper from opening something he/she "shouldn't".

 

[whiz]

As long as you take action and send it to people that's the most important part. Try and shorten it a bit and get to the point. You could have the best email in the world but if you dont send it out it wont do you much good. You could have a crap message that you send out in mass that would do better than a highly targeted campaign. That's has always been my experience anyway. I find it's a lot less work too.

Yeah, I did some super targeted stuff before but it would take way too long just to do one mail. The time/effort to return ratio was pretty bad.

So now I have my targets streamlined by niche, location, etc. This allows me to pretty much follow a template and just change a couple variables here and there.

 

[zionbar]

Heres the problem with your letter : its a letter.
Nobody reads spam letter buddy, especially not small business owners.
Want their business? pick up the phone and call.

I'll even help you further, heres what you say on the phone:

Hey is this Dr. Dentist?
Dr Dentist: Yes, whos this?

Im Jack with Dentist Leads I saw youre a dentist from New York and my company helped dentists like yourself increase their revenue by 400% simply by getting them more customers, is that something you'd be interested in? (I dare him to say no lol )



and go from there tell him/her what you can do for her, preferably offer free trial period or leads to start with. .. obviously tweak this intro to whatever service youre offering

 

[whiz]

Revised my letter and removed fluff. What do you guys think? Am I missing anything?




My Name/Address

Their Name/Address

Dr. Dentist,


I understand that you likely lead a busy life, so I’ll be brief.

I can get you dozens of extra clients per year by increasing your online visibility.

I found you on the web and did some research on you and your business.

Your reviews look great. The only problem is that a potential client shopping for a dentist online will be presented with a slew of options before even having the chance to see you; the majority of them being direct competitors (Competitor 1, Competitor 2, etc.).

Why does this matter?

Dentistown locals are using Google to find a trusted dentist over 700 times per month. That’s over 8,400 opportunities per year to get a new pair of feet (or, for families, pairs of feet) to walk through your doors.

Now, am I saying I can secure all these opportunities for you? Of course not. But I can dramatically increase the likelihood that these online shoppers turn into a living, breathing clients sitting right in your office.

I’m sure your business is thriving, but a sub-optimized web presence could be costing you thousands (or tens of thousands) per year.

If some new smiles around the office is something that interests you, don’t hesitate to give me a call.


Thank you for reading,



Whiz,
Online Presence Specialist

 

[whiz]

Even more revised

Whiz
123 Poop Street
Swagtown, USA 83739

Dr. Doc, DDS
990 Dentist Ave
Dentistown, USA 12987


Dr. Doc,


I understand that you likely lead a busy life, so I’ll be brief.

I can get you dozens of extra clients per year by increasing your online visibility.

I found you on the web and did some research on you and your business.

Your reviews look great. The only problem is that a potential client looking for a dentist online will be presented with a slew of options before even having the chance to see you; the majority of them being direct competitors (Competitor 1, Competitor 2, etc.).

Why does this matter?

Dentistown locals are using Google to find a trusted dentist over 700 times per month. That’s over 8,400 opportunities per year to get a new pair of feet (or, for families, pairs of feet) to walk through your doors.

Now, am I saying I can secure all these opportunities for you? Of course not. But I can dramatically increase the likelihood that these potential clients turn into actual clients sitting right in your office.

A sub-optimized web presence is costing you thousands (or tens of thousands) per year.

If some new smiles around the office is something that interests you, give me a call on my cell at 000-000-0000. If I’m with another client just leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.


Thank you for your time,




Whiz,
Online Presence Specialist

 

[whiz]

The newest version is a choice between two letters, exactly identical - but I might omit one line.

The first:

Whiz
456 DEF Street
Whiztown, USA 67891


Dr. Doc, DMD
123 ABC Street
Dentistown, USA 12345


Dr. Doc,


I understand that you likely lead a busy life, so I’ll be brief.

I can get you dozens of extra clients per year by increasing your online visibility.

I found you on the web and did some research on you and your business.

Your website and reviews look great. The only problem is that a potential client looking for a dentist online will be presented with a slew of options before even having the chance to see you; the majority of them being direct competitors (Competitor1, Competitor2, etc.).

Why does this matter?

Dentistown locals are using Google to find a trusted dentist over 700 times per month. That’s over 8,400 opportunities per year to get a new pair of feet (or, for families, pairs of feet) to walk through your doors.

I can increase your online visibility to make sure they see you first.

A sub-optimized web presence is costing you thousands (or tens of thousands) per year.

If some new smiles around the office is something that interests you, give me a call on my cell at [000-000-0000]. If I’m with another client just leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.


Thank you for your time,




Whiz,
Online Presence Specialist

The second omits the line: "A sub-optimized web presence is costing you thousands (or tens of thousands) per year.":

Whiz
456 DEF Street
Whiztown, USA 67891


Dr. Doc, DMD
123 ABC Street
Dentistown, USA 12345




Dr. Doc,




I understand that you likely lead a busy life, so I’ll be brief.

I can get you dozens of extra clients per year by increasing your online visibility.

I found you on the web and did some research on you and your business.

Your website and reviews look great. The only problem is that a potential client looking for a dentist online will be presented with a slew of options before even having the chance to see you; the majority of them being direct competitors (Competitor1, Competitor2, etc.).

Why does this matter?

Dentistown locals are using Google to find a trusted dentist over 700 times per month. That’s over 8,400 opportunities per year to get a new pair of feet (or, for families, pairs of feet) to walk through your doors.

I can increase your online visibility to make sure they see you first.

If some new smiles around the office is something that interests you, give me a call on my cell at [000-000-0000]. If I’m with another client just leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.




Thank you for your time,




Whiz,
Online Presence Specialist

I'm leaning towards the second just because the first doesn't seem to flow right. But am I weakening the letter by not talking about "the cost of ignorance"?

I'm going to be centering my sales around poking their ego anyway - I think they're already mad that Google doesn't think they should be at the top.

 

[2014oyed]

This looks so good.

If you wanna get them mad about Google not showing them up as the best, why not take a screenshot of the page and then ask them if they think the number 1, 2 and 3 are better Docs than they are... Chances are they believe those above them are not better... Now they may believe that is luck.. Hit that on the head too. It's not luck nor magic... It's simply what you as a professional can help them achieve.