Well, the poll numbers were too close to make a decision. So I mixed a couple. I present to you, a true life event.
“What the hell?” It was another poop result. He couldn’t figure it out. Why did searching for the definition of SEO always bring him to such vile shit?
“What was the matter with these search engines?” Jonny cursed, frustratingly. He had to get to the bottom of the mystery, if he was ever going to be accepted in the dating world.
It was widely known, that SEO knowledge was an unspoken requirement of acceptance in today’s society. But all of his searching of this acronym up to this point was like he was wading through poop and pee, only to find more poop and pee. None of it made sense. It was time for a break.
Jonny looked to the building across the street from him. It was an ominous building, resembling a jailhouse, more than a factory. Not that he had any experience with a jailhouse. Not according to his sealed records, at least. No one would ever know about #prayforneon
There had been new construction recently, after the building’s fourth suicide of its workers last week. The ownership had decided to install strange nets that were attached all around the perimeter of the building, about ten feet above the ground. They reached nearly twenty feet outward in all directions. Some of the jumpers had made it quite far away, from the tall building’s roof.
“It appears the jailhouse is now wearing a skirt!” Jonny laughed. “I can’t even imagine how terrible could it be inside there, for these workers to continue to commit suicide?” He asked aloud.
He wanted to meet the corporate entities that ran such an awful establishment. He wanted to know what was being hauled away in the black semi-trucks, just after nightfall, every Tuesday. He wanted to know what the hell SEO stood for.
There it was again, the nagging desire to understand. So he got on the world’s largest search engine, and he red-tubed it.
Poop.
Pee.
Poop.
Pee.
Fucking poop and fucking pee.
“Someone should optimize this fucking thing. It doesn’t make any god damned sense.” Jonny cursed the results. Useless to him, or so he thought.
“Well, I’m bored, and I can’t figure this shit out.” Jonny mumbled to himself, as he observed a long line of flat black semi-trucks in a line stretching down the avenue, as far as three city blocks.
Not addressing anyone in particular, Jonny closed the blinds, and continued the conversation with himself. “You know what, today’s Tuesday! Fuck it! I’m going to go see if I can get a sneak peek to what’s inside one of those trucks.”
He was wearing dark jeans, and a navy blue tshirt. It was a bit cold, as it was the middle of summer, so he grabbed the hoodie that was hanging next to the door. On the way out, he thought how perfect it would be, since he was wearing dark clothes, and the sun was beginning to set.
Looking to the building, a tall chain link fence with concertina wire wrapped in a spiral about a foot in diameter, protected the building from intruders. Jonny didn’t know how he was going to get in. The only entrance had a security shack in the middle of an electronically activated gate. The security guard verified the identities of every single driver, while a second guard did an entire walk-around of the truck, with a mirror to inspect the undercarriage.
“It’s gotta be something crazy in there. This place is paranoid as fuck.” Jonny said, using his speech to warm his throat from the cold air. August was one of the coldest months of the year, but there was no snow. Not like in those magazines with the children throwing the white rocks at eachother.
Jonny stood there, outside of his condo, trying to figure out what he was going to do. He spotted what looked like a piece of paper, being carried by the wind, toward the near fence! He crossed the street, and walked away from the guard shack. The paper was already doing the same.
As he came closer, he saw it had colors, as if it were a brochure of some sort. Picking up his walking pace, he neared the piece of paper. It had been carried up by the wind, and was now clung to the fence. He reached to grab the paper, and felt a sudden bolt of pain!
ZZZAAAPPPP!!! His arm was on fire, all the way from his finger, up to his shoulder. Jonny tried to hold in his cry of pain, and ened up with a muffled noise, followed by a string of profanity.
“MMMMmmmmmhhhhpppphhhhhhh! Holy mother of fucking god. What the fuck was that? Is… Is the fence electric??” He reached towards the paper again, slowly, and much more carefully this time.
The main picture, was showing a building that looked like a resort.
“Visit Whimsyshire, and meet the Unicorns here,” the brochure read on the front.
“A resort? A travel agency? What in the fuck?!” Jonny stammered, as he turned to reveal the back of the paper.
There were pictures of women squatting on tables, shitting into what appeared to be cereal bowls.
“Whimsyshire- A SEO Company”
He dropped the flier, as his stomach lost its control, and his lunch came barreling out of his face. He leaned forward, to use the fence as a brace. The vomit was already in its projectile form, and hit his left hand, just as he touched the fence.
Locked by liquid, in a circuit on the fence, he realized redtube had been right the whole time. SEO was all about poop and pee. The last thing he remembered before his vision faded to black, was smelling his bowels let go.
Poop.
Pee.
Poop.
Pee.
Fucking poop and fucking pee.
