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mattmichelweb

Newbie

Sep 20, 2011

24

5

• Feb 6, 2012

• #21

Three priests from different religions happened to meet somewhere. At some point, came up the issue of the way they use to decide how to split their income for themselves, and for god.

The orthodox said that they throw the money on a carpet with a line on it, and those that cross the line belong to god.

The calvinist said that they have a room with a hole in the middle. They throw the money in the room, and those that fall in the hole, belong to god.

The catholic said "We get out and throw money in the sky for god to catch. Those that fall back down, belong to us".

:smokin:

 

nihalsad

Elite Member

Jan 29, 2011

1,648

3,452

• Feb 6, 2012

• #22

Here is a joke I think is worth winning.LOL!

 

K

Kris88

Regular Member

Aug 19, 2010

381

45

• Feb 6, 2012

• #23

A horse walks into the bar, the bartender asks: "Why the long face?"

What do 4 out of 5 people enjoy? Gangbang!

How do you stop a Polish tank? Kill the 4 guys pushing it.

 

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m3an93

Junior Member

Dec 27, 2010

127

11

• Feb 6, 2012

• #24

The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.

The one item you want is never the one on sale.

The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.

The one who does the least work will get the most credit.

The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.

The one you want is never the one on sale.

The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.

The only real errors are human errors.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.

 

gogoman

Regular Member

Jan 14, 2011

283

111

• Feb 6, 2012

• #25

i'm in, i need it
my joke:
Three Sisters

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"
"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

Last edited: Feb 6, 2012

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spirtx

Junior Member

Jan 17, 2011

158

38

• Feb 6, 2012

• #26

How do you you call a prostitute with white eyes?
FULL

 

rosie88

Junior Member

Jul 10, 2011

108

9

• Feb 6, 2012

• #27

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

 

Gantz

Regular Member

Mar 15, 2009

228

196

• Feb 6, 2012

• #28

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

 

resistosai111

Senior Member

Oct 31, 2010

867

196

• Feb 6, 2012

• #29

There was a parrot in the cage one of the house.
He always saw that some soldiers went to exercise in the morning.
He spoke very bad words to these soldiers. One day These soldiers
complain to the owner about the parrot bad words. The owner of the parrot told
him. If again i heard any complain about your bad words. I will kill you.Parrot
reply to his owner. Ok I will never tell any bad words again.
Next day when he saw soldiers He spoke Hey Soldiers As i think you understand what I wish
to say

 

gvncerri

Power Member

Jun 10, 2011

617

129

• Feb 6, 2012

• #30

This is much more than a joke. This is philosophy:

Jerome K. Jerome: "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

 

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Black.k1ng

Newbie

Aug 19, 2009

17

0

• Feb 6, 2012

• #31

Would like to get one and test my new idea.

 

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microbe

Registered Member

Jan 25, 2012

61

24

• Feb 6, 2012

• #32

What's Gucci My Niguh?

 

A

Aluxian

Newbie

Jul 4, 2011

20

2

• Feb 6, 2012

• #33

What do u get if u cross Mark Zuckerberg with a burger? A Zuckerburg

 

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Cyb@rg

Newbie

Apr 14, 2011

39

2

• Feb 6, 2012

• #34

Reasons to stay at work all night

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".

6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

 

F

Fixit

Newbie

Nov 30, 2011

48

5

• Feb 6, 2012

• #35

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

 

svabb2000

Regular Member

May 31, 2011

217

43

• Feb 6, 2012

• #36

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My
master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I
soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you
here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a
table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I
accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third
dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the
shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and
took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

 

axcer

Regular Member

Jul 7, 2011

388

148

• Feb 6, 2012

• #37

Okey this is about the last timez match Chelsea Vs Man Utd :

Howard Webb's (refree) thought before the match:
"They have accused me of favoring Manchester United for the last time. I'd be so tough on them this game, I'd give them no advantage even if they deserve it."

Howard Webb's thought until 55 minutes:
"Must be strong. Must be strong."

Howard Webb's thought after 57 minutes:
"I can't watch my beloved Manchester United three goals down, no I can't watch it anymore...
(Whistle!) Penalty!
(Whistle!) Penalty!

Note : To those who dont know about this match... Chelsea were leading by 3 goals... But Man Utd were able to come back with the help of 2 penalty.

Match result : Chelsea 3 - 3 Man Utd

(NO OFFENCE TO MAN UTD FANS)

 

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CoolioAy

Registered Member

Jan 29, 2012

76

5

• Feb 6, 2012

• #38

"I went to a Catholic School so I don't believe in condoms, at least that's what I tell the women I meet"

Hehe! Thanks!

 

Vibrance

Junior Member

Jul 6, 2011

132

2,191

• Feb 6, 2012

• #39

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

rosie88

Junior Member

Jul 10, 2011

108

9

• Feb 7, 2012

• #40

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."