Don't ever get married

Thulf said:

I'm sincerely sorry if my observation is a miss here. And also for trying to read the situation, as I know nobody likes to be a matter of discussion like this. So why do I do it, because it helps me understand things around me - I'm addicted to this stuff. It's nothing personal against anybody.


This is what I've gathered thus far:
The relationship never really seemed to have worked flawlessly, "it was hell" all along. It wasn't discussed, it just dragged along until a culminating point was reached.

How it went down, more or less (I could be wrong, of course):
Rather simple actually... I feel like none of the problems or needs were discussed. It seems like you, OP, had it your way almost the entire length of the relationship, with her occasionally trying to have it her way, but which was met with a conflict or a sort of hit to the health of the relationship.

The more she did that, the more paranoid you became, the more aware she became of what's holding her back/what she had been missing from her side of things. Conflicting interests, more or less (again, which were not brought up nor discussed, so they grew ever bigger and more obvious).

I can only imagine how both you and her were feeding this problematic confliction. You, OP, by having prejudices each time things didn't go your way (because by this time you had become used to the way things were, primarlily your way), and her, because she talked about what you 2 didn't talk about with her colleagues, to whom she must've told the twisted truth (because, we are humans, and that's how we tend to express ourselves, by aplifying what troubles us, irrationally at that), who then advised her accordingly to the best of their abilities (but of course basing their suggestions on what she said and how they might have interpreted the situation - this is how she herself has probably convinced herself that you're the bad person, because it's only the reflection of what people to whom she talked to made out of her initial stories and other cues).

At this point, both sides are concinced of the opposite side being the bad one. This too will only grow bigger, no matter how much either side tries to fake it not growing.


That's it from me...
Again, sorry for this... Hopefully you can throw this my observation to the trash can if you did talk about problems deeply every now and then OR when in your culture having a... um... obedient woman or women for a partner was the norm.

I'm no expert. (just an enthusiast?)

And again, no offence. I can't even imagine what the real story is (the objective one) and how much suffering is involved.

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ttmschine said:

Completely wrong.

Thanks though.

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ttmschine said:

Because if you then end up getting divorced, it's Hell.

And women can bear a grudge and be nasty far better than we can.

As you can tell, I'm getting divorced, and I'm as miserable as flip with it all

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barselo said:

I did my time marriage wise from 1998-2008 and then in 2012 i had a 4-year relationship that ended up with me engaged and "almost" married again. That ended at the end of 2016. I am done. I date. But no commitment. Right now I am all about me, and what I want in life. Google "MGTOW."

As for your situation? She is 100% into someone else. She may not have physically been with them yet, but it is coming soon.
If she is willing to break up the marriage for it, then it's for 1 of two reasons... Or both.

1. She already cheated and is completely sprung sexually for the guy.
2. She is involved emotionally and sees that the guy is in a better spot on the social and/or financial ladder than you.

At 43 she is going thru a mid-life crisis. You see it happen a lot in today's society to women. and men too. But you cant worry about her decisions. you can only worry about yours.

Bottom line the best thing you can do is take this time to 150% focus on you. Take back YOUR fucking life mentally and emotionally. Start doing the things you always wanted to do but marriage stopped you. You want to fuck her head up?

1. Start working out
2. Take a mini vacation and make sure you take lots of pics and videos
3. Start having your own social life
4. Plan a trip with just you and the kids and hype it up.

Start living your own fucking life and be happy for you. At the end of the day you can only control your happiness and fulfillment. Dont let her control that with her actions.

E+R=O (Event + Response = Outcome) ~Jack Canfield

Focus on You. And I promise you that your happiness will be double than it was even before.

Best of wishes man. If you need some advice on things hmu via pm.

Cheers Buddy.

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KHer0 said:

I swear, if we turned this into relationships forum, it would be one of the best.. I believe the cpa offers are better too !

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plottsch said:

Honestly man, I can't even fully imagine how that would be.


My philosophy is..."enjoy a girl for as long as you want--if y'all aren't happy with each other in time, leave her and find someone else."


But my philosophy is also useless because I know nothing about marriage.


All the best, my friend.

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barselo said:

I did my time marriage wise from 1998-2008 and then in 2012 i had a 4-year relationship that ended up with me engaged and "almost" married again. That ended at the end of 2016. I am done. I date. But no commitment. Right now I am all about me, and what I want in life. Google "MGTOW."

As for your situation? She is 100% into someone else. She may not have physically been with them yet, but it is coming soon.
If she is willing to break up the marriage for it, then it's for 1 of two reasons... Or both.

1. She already cheated and is completely sprung sexually for the guy.
2. She is involved emotionally and sees that the guy is in a better spot on the social and/or financial ladder than you.

At 43 she is going thru a mid-life crisis. You see it happen a lot in today's society to women. and men too. But you cant worry about her decisions. you can only worry about yours.

Bottom line the best thing you can do is take this time to 150% focus on you. Take back YOUR fucking life mentally and emotionally. Start doing the things you always wanted to do but marriage stopped you. You want to fuck her head up?

1. Start working out
2. Take a mini vacation and make sure you take lots of pics and videos
3. Start having your own social life
4. Plan a trip with just you and the kids and hype it up.

Start living your own fucking life and be happy for you. At the end of the day you can only control your happiness and fulfillment. Dont let her control that with her actions.

E+R=O (Event + Response = Outcome) ~Jack Canfield

Focus on You. And I promise you that your happiness will be double than it was even before.

Best of wishes man. If you need some advice on things hmu via pm.

Cheers Buddy.

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Apricot said:

I'm starting to think we could do with a relationship advice section. Or an AIBU type section, to cover that but also make it a bit broader in terms of covering topics.

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ttmschine said:

That I think is 100% on the money, she's been working out, lost a lot of weight, etc.

And what she did previously - I think she got cold feet at the last minute, because while wanting to split up with me at that time, she got very close to a guy she worked with.

When she changed her mind, she started making out he was being inappropriate to her, and she couldn't understand why. When she wanted to be honest - she had been out with him for drinks, for lunch, had even been to his house, and even chose the colour schemes for his house which he then redecorated it from top to bottom.

No wonder she "got the impression he was thinking she was going to move in with him".

She then left that job and we lost half our income for 4 months til she found a new job.

So yeah, that's the thing for me - it feels like deja vu - all over again.

And after 20 years together - you do pick up on these vibes.

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luthor23 said:

i don't understand here , how did you lose half of your income . was she the one paying the big part of the bills and everything ?

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ttmschine said:

Because if you then end up getting divorced, it's Hell.

And women can bear a grudge and be nasty far better than we can.

As you can tell, I'm getting divorced, and I'm as miserable as flip with it all

Click to expand...