‍ My Revival Journey

Day #58 – Friday, Jan 10th 2025​


I spent the weekend going deep into the backlog, I even took Modafinil (I use it 1-2 times per month at max).

It's amazing when you don't force yourself into a pre-plan and you go deep to sort things out.

Turn out sometimes the big "monsters" of the backlock, when sorted as a repetitive process with reduced decision fatigue turns out to be something easy.

There is so much to be done, but I think next weekend, it may be finished.

---

I have this opportunity at my daily job to rise a bit the corporate ladder which will make me not bleed cash on a monthly bases and the rest of the money could hopefully be used as a resource for the project.

---

Regarding productivity I plan to get a dumb phone, new number, physical notebook and physical bank card and to see how it goes.

I just recently accepted an obligation to go somewhere and I just realized it is in the middle of the week and it's so bad if I cancel. Not sure what to do, honestly I wish I can say "no" and admit I didn't know it will be the middle of the week, yet it can ruin a relationship as it's an important (for them) event.
 
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Day #68 – Monday, January 20th, 2025​


I am starting to seriously burn out. I cannot force myself not to look at the backlog. At some angle, I hate that f backlog, its a rigid task-based system, yes it does have valuable stuff there, but it is like a mountain. At least it is grouped into folders, but still its a huge pain point.

I would actually prefer to work on the site, as it is a creative process.

I seriously don't like any rigid systems and I am in a loop.

Today I am sick, for the past 7 days all I did is to organize and yes – my physical environment and my digital one are far better now, but it's a small trap – you get to do it that throw a repeated cycles.

It doesn't move me in the pace I need.

Do I make a progress – yes, I do, but the problem is that it is so slow that way.

The moment I want to ignore the backlog and star working on the site – I start thinking about returning to it, when I do – I get mentally burned out as it doesn't have a reward system.

There is only one way to actually clear the f backlog and it is to potentially take a day off, combine the weekend with an extra day off like Friday or Monday and go full-in on it, without looking at any other thing.

I managed to clear some of the folders from the backlog and the dopamine hit was enormous.

I want to do that with the rest so I can focus on the site.

I need to push myself, but I end up not doing it.

I feel my energy depleted, especially on weekends.

---

Guys, I am not coming from a place of a person that doesn't know how to be productive, I've been an entrepreneur from so long, but the reward system is broken.

How to get out of this spinning cycle and push myself to finally clear the backlog and create solely on the site? I will actually enjoy it.
 
Plan into your schedule ---- periods of rest



This sounds ridiculous but hear me out

While I am doing this --- My mind slips into that ''cloudwatching'' mode

Not sure why but probably because of the physical relaxation + less knowledge input

And because there is no high level of ''input''

Everything that I already input,

shapes? sorts itself out?

It feels like it's trying to ''shape itself''

Like a story that unfolds

It's like the different between writing a story from a blank piece of paper vs writing a story after drawing a fantasy map and then making the story ''around'' that map

I heard Tolkien did this, he also created languages and peoples first, before even writing the story.

The story flowed from him creating the

language > peoples > maps > story

--------------

Less vague hippie shit

Concretely, last time I took a break

I fleshed out a huge part of my future projects and plans, IN MY MIND

After months of absorbing and sorting and trying to synthesize knowledge non-stop and struggling with building a structure

---------------------

What did I do?

I just took a train trip to visit the sea and my sister that lives elsewhere.

No phone, no music, just me + a pocket notepad + a story on my little eReader that I glanced at every now and to read a page of a story.

No need to cut out the music, I did though. Because I got music all day every day
 
I have two main points:

- Backlog - a rigid task-based system, that I hate but I want to clear out.
- A site - a creative, flow process that I will actually enjoy.

One is an administrative/manager task which is rigid (not enjoyable), the other is a creative/build process which is done throw a flow (enjoyable).

I tried finishing the first - I constantly get burned out and the moment I start working on the site, I want to go back and finish the backlog.

It's a constant loop.

I know it sounds silly, but it really is my problem now. I cannot find a solution, I get mentally drained out even by trying to find a solution.

The only thing I can think of is to work solely on the backlog and clear it.
 
AboveAll said:
The only thing I can think of is to work solely on the backlog and clear it.
Click to expand...

Do you have an estimate how long it will take to clear this backlog?

It seems that your subconscious is preventing you from jumping into the creative process

and only you can figure out why

Maybe look into some meta-analysis research on ''Self-sabotage'' , they usually have long lists of:

1. reasons why the self-sabotage happens
2. ways in which the self-sabotage manifests itself in our lives
3. strategies

Maybe with this knowledge you can find the solution you looking for

Usually it starts with identifying triggers/thoughts patterns , then working on removing these with reason/logic/force
 
The backlog is a rigid system, it's the thing that I hate the most, nothing was successful in the past unless it was done throw a creative flow.

In order to achieve flow, I must clean shit around me.

I've done multiple successful projects by first clearing out the space and did multiple failed ones by not clearing first.

I want to do the uncomfortable, so I can do what I like the most, the creative builder flow state process.

The good part is that the backlog is measurable. It's compartmentalized and it has actual clear numbers, so it's not something abstract and yes, it gradually shrinks.

The problem is that I cannot go full steam as my brain sabotages me saying "it's too much work without a benefit."

My goal is to clear it, so I can pivot and never do that again.

I actually felt an amazing dopamine rush after clearing some of the folders.

I know administrative tasks are a burden.

I want to push, but I feel mental exhaustion even before I started.
 
It seems to me that you have a keychain with lots of keys. And you're absolutely certain one of the keys fit but you're stressing?

Why the mental exhaustion then? I'm trying to wrap my head around it. Because it seems like it's an already solved problem
Are you addicted to feeling stressed?

----------------------------------

Let's say that you cleared the backlog

This way of you dealing with things --- isn't it going to rear it's head at other aspects of life?

or a better question is --- Does it already occur in multiple areas of life?

----------------------------------

My newest updated unasked-for advise to you is

Do 500-1000 pushups every day.
 
fielddigger said:
It seems to me that you have a keychain with lots of keys. And you're absolutely certain one of the keys fit but you're stressing?

Why the mental exhaustion then? I'm trying to wrap my head around it. Because it seems like it's an already solved problem
Are you addicted to feeling stressed?

----------------------------------

Let's say that you cleared the backlog

This way of you dealing with things --- isn't it going to rear it's head at other aspects of life?

or a better question is --- Does it already occur in multiple areas of life?

----------------------------------

My newest updated unasked-for advise to you is

Do 500-1000 pushups every day.
Click to expand...

Nope, quite the opposite, I am not addicted to stress, the idea of clearing a rigid system is to open the creative flow.

I do a lot of physical stuff during the day, I have to walk very long distances and I do lift a bit at home before going to work. But honestly, there is nothing more for that.

Let's get back into the problem:

- Backlog - a rigid/task-based system, that doesn't give rewards.
- Site - a creative flow-based process, that is rewarding.

I can't do the second before I clear the first one first. Can't exit that loop. I know I can exhaust myself and do the entire backlog in one day!

My brain refuses to go throw this pain!
 
Here you say the backlog doesn't give rewards but it does.

you said in an earlier post:

''I actually felt an amazing dopamine rush after clearing some of the folders.''

Maybe your mind is sabotaging you because the easy hard hitting rewards will be gone?

Also my bad with using the word stress without going deeper into it.

I meant that in a way of '' going from highs to lows '' --- so from high energy to depletion/exhaustion

The mind can also get addicted to this specific type of stress ---

Basically anything that is familiar

Clearly you're not addicted to the ''- Site - a creative flow-based process, that is rewarding.''

Otherwise you'd be doing that instead

So in your mental reward system, the backlog/exhaustion cycle has a more solidified place

I hope when your backlog clears you can replace that empty space with your creative site instead of something else to get in the way of your goal
 
I've said multiple times that I hate rigid and task-based systems and the backlog is such. I enjoy a creative process throw a flow.

And, no, for a third time – I am not addicted to stress, I operate only throw a creative flow. Said that multiple times.

The dopamine rush is because I get rid of something that I truly hate, I feel burned out by it, I hate the backlog, my brain hates the backlog, I don't want it.

I want to do what I enjoy - work creatively in a flow, in peace, not stress. That means the backlog must be gone so I can focus on a creative flow-based process.

Question is - how to deal with something that is causing me stress and burnout and I don't like it like the backlog.

I started working on the site and I really enjoyed it and I realized I need things from the backlog, so I had to go back and do what stresses me out.

So now, I have to clear it and deal with it, but my brain sabotages me.
 
Last edited:
OK, the journey is closed. Sorry to all, I failed.
 
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