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The funniest joke in the world

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by starcity83, Sep 13, 2011.

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  1. starcity83

    starcity83 Regular Member

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    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

    Well that is actually the funniest joke in the world, I made the effort in looking this up. Just let me know if it made you laugh, or if you have a better one yourself! :D
     
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  2. dayomoto

    dayomoto Junior Member

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    funny but really old!!
     
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  3. chapter2

    chapter2 Newbie

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    Thumbs up if you didn't laugh.

    Umm.. sorry, I thought this was YT.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 13, 2011
  4. HostStage

    HostStage Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member UnGagged Attendee

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    I have one too :

    It is one joke who meet another joke. The first says i'm an oral joke who likes to be told. The second joke with eyes glazed (like that x_x) says i'm a written one !

    ;)
     
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  5. chapter2

    chapter2 Newbie

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    I love this one:


    A woman decided she wanted a pet. She finally decided on a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't
    be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop
    and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said
    $150.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
    The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to
    live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought
    about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the
    bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked
    around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit
    shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage
    daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new
    whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the
    situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird
    looked at him and said "Hi Keith". :D
     
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  6. dgfalk

    dgfalk Power Member

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    That was horrible.
     
  7. bartgatsby

    bartgatsby Registered Member

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    I :laughing: so hard!!! ............back in 2002 ಠ_ಠ
     
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    Last edited: Sep 13, 2011
  8. DeanW

    DeanW Newbie

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    Its all about delivery, its a little hard to get the real effect through a written joke
     
  9. hitman247

    hitman247 Executive VIP Premium Member

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    Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

    CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

    CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

    CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

    CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

    FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

    FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
     
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  10. cicsmayhem

    cicsmayhem Regular Member

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    Here's mine:

    New guy waited for a bus within a few minutes then afterwards a bus suddenly stopped. New guy got in the bus but there was only one seat left beside the available seat was an old lady. So he sat beside her then began talking about his dreadful work given by his evil evil boss. While sharing his work experience with the lady, the lady got interested in the topic and shared all the peanuts (inside a small plastic bag) she had beside her. New guy never hesitated to grab a bite on those peanuts and he mentioned that those were the most amazing peanuts he had ever tasted. The lady smiled with confidence and the guy hasn't yet asked why she gave all the peanuts. 20mins later, new guy's place has been reached and decided to have a goodbye to the nice lady. And just after he was about to leave, he asked why she gave all the peanuts. The lady said she left her teeth in her place so she only licked the chocolate covered in the peanuts. (Made that up but you can make the story better :D)
     
  11. 1337WuLF

    1337WuLF Senior Member Premium Member

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  12. BlackHatCodeBreaker

    BlackHatCodeBreaker Registered Member

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    Reminded me of a true story that happened to me...

    At 18 I went on an "Outward Bound" tour of Scandinavia. Picture this: lots of guys and girls travelling around in a bus from one tourist attraction to another (or rather from one beerstop to another). As usual with buses - "the coolest of them all" are sitting in the back bench. Yours truly sitting one seat ahead, talking to them. And then I opened a bag of peanuts.

    One of the girls in the back bench I was REALLY hot about. So I turn around, push the bag of peanuts in front of her and say "Hey, Karen. Would you like some penus?"

    Utter Silence...
    Roaring Laughter...
    Red Face...
    What a whopper of a Freudian slip...

    PS
    she only took some peanuts - nothing else...
     
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  13. Abstroose

    Abstroose Elite Member

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    What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?

    I cried when I chopped the onion up.