For those who cannot afford their own TV here are the highlights (with interpretation of events) At the start of the show the whole arena was covered by blue sheeting over all of the seated spectators. The sheets were drawn out from the back of the tiers until they covered those seated then the sheets were drawn forward until they were all gone. This was to symbolise the flushing of water.... sorry cash... down the plughole. Next, men dressed in period costume appeared, they were dressed as mill-owner types and one man represented Isambard Kingdom Brunel. A great tree was in the arena and everyone pointed toward it - this symbolised the tree of life - the tree was then uprooted and rose in the air to demonstrate the loss of our hedgerows and woodlands to allow the building of housing estates for pikeys with too much cash. When the tree rose up hundreds of people came out of the hole and started "working" - this symbolised teh last time Britain had full employment. There were 1000 drummers beating their drums during this period - this symbolised Tinnitus The workers then rolled up the turf thus symbolising the loss of playing fields and playgrounds for kids. Big smoke stacks rose out of the ground and belched smoke, this symbolised burning money on the Olympics. Then some women dressed as suffragettes arrived thus demonstrating how women forgot their place. Then poppies and silence marked WW1. People in Beatles suits arrived demonstrating a total loss of timing. A mock up of iron & steel manufacture glowed bright yellow as the metal appeared to flow to make a great ring of metal. This symbolised when we actually made things in this country I.K. Brunel then appeared again with his cigar in his mouth symbolising the invention of cancer. Pearly kings & queens then entered the arena to symbolise the loss of culturalism in London. Five great yellow rings appeared in the air to merge and form the olympic rings or the chains of debt that will hang over us for staging these games. Then a taxi arrived at Buckingham Palace and Daniel Craig (as James Bond) collected the queen and took her in a helicopter to the stadium. They then parachuted into the stadium to symbolise the loss of the Empire. The Queen and Prince Philip appeared and were then shown to their seats after being introduced IN FRENCH. From this point forward all announcements were made first in French and then in English. This is to symbolise the fact that we have to kiss French ar$e as members of Europe The Union Flag was carried by members of the British Armed Forces - they were introduced in French to symbolise who really liberated France. The National Anthem was then announced in French but sung in English as an act of defiance. Then the theme of the opening ceremony changed. The announcer said "Mesdams and Non Sewers, ho he ho, chammy leather, du pont de avignon, onniyons, Mr Mike Oldfield" and they started playing Tubular Bells to remind us that we live in horror. Illuminated beds with children on them were then introduced and pushed to make the symbol for Great Ormond Street Hospital. The beds also formed the letters G.O.S.H. but this was obviously a mistake as it should have said "Zut Alors" There was some dancing on and around the beds before the kids laid down to sleep on the illuminated beds. This symolised not having enough beds in the NHS. The bright lights in the blankets symbolised "NHS Lite" which is what we are now looking at due to austerity (interesting to note here that the £9 Billion for these olympics could have funded thousands of nurses or bailed out dozens of hospitals from the PFI debt) J.K. Rowling then appeared and read some of her words while ghouls and the Child Catcher appeared with his wagon. This symbolised the Thatcher government stealing the milk from schoolkids. Lots of Mary Poppin's floated down from the sky to chase away the ghouls thus symbolising that Dick Van Dyke was a true cockney and that nobody was dancing with their knees going up and down whilst they clutched their lapels and flapped their elbows. Another suddden change with Mr Bean appearing while Simon Rattle conducted an interpretation of Chariots of Fire, this symbolised the cock-ups and farce so far. Next, a woman arrives home in her New MIni (a car originally made in the UK), there is a reference to the hurricane of 1987 this symbolised the very poor state of British Leyland in 1987. Another sudden change and we move into 4 decades of British music. The first tune was Enola Gay just to make the Japanese athletes a bit queasy. The "house" in the centre of the arena was then illuminated with images of great British TV programs symbolising what the BBC used to produce before getting lots of managers and a staff of 765 to cover the Olympics. The music then started with more vigour and included "Firestarter" by Prodigy, this symbolised the UK street riots of Southall, Brixton, Toxteth, Moss Side, Dewsbury, Oldham and London. Images of Trainspotting symbolised the UK drug culture, Amy Winehouse singing Valerie symbolised the same. Dizzy Rascal then sang Grime to symbolise Dizzy Rascal, our greatest export since Piers Morgan. Grime also symbolised the areas of London within the M25. Tim Berners-Lee appeared to symbolise the invention of the Internet by a Brit - he was introduced in French to take the edge off it. Scenes from around the UK then showed how the Torch Relay produced so many attempts to get rich on ebay. Then there was a chroma key mock up of David Beckham driving a speedboat down the River Thames with someone holding the torch - the big spray at the back of the boat symbolised how close he is to being washed-up. A woman sang "Abide With Me" - a hymn symbolising the thousands of illegal immigrants who now live amongst us because the Border Agency has lost track of them. Queen Liz then declares the Games open. Then all of the 204 teams walked in (introduced in French, of course). Shooting was mentioned several times because other countries put their shooters as or with the flag-bearer. Each team has a copper "petal" The USA team of 500 looked great in their Ralph Lauren Chinese uniforms. Coming along last... Team GB in horrible uniforms symbolising er spending £9 billion Next, the Arctic Monkeys played something whilst dressed in their best leathers and jeans. The stadium then turnwed blue and they played a cover of "Come Together" while people on bikes ride round with illuminated flapping wings which symbolised money flitting away Then "Mesdams and Non Sewers, ho he ho, chammy leather, du pont de avignon, toot le frooty Spanish onnyons, hor he ho...... Mr Sebastian Coe and Jacques Rugg". People clapped while Coe read things wearing glasses which suggested that he should have gone to Specsavers. We waited in vain for the bolt of lightning but it failed to appear. After spouting platitudes and soundbites he shut up and Jacques Rogg said that the Olympic games had returned to London for the "turd time" and will leave a long lasting legacy (cough cough splutter) for years to come. Soundbites (cheering) More cliches (more cheering) The Olympic flag was carried by in and touched by a very frail and rigid Muhammad Ali then military personnel carried it up the fake hill to be raised Beckham on his speedboat then appeared (this time with a real pilot at the wheel) brought the flame to Steve Redgrave who then had to run about a half mile to the stadium. He then hands the flame to 7 young athletes who are announced out of synch as they run round the stadium ... They light 7 petals which then ignite all 204 petals which then elevate and come together to form a single large flame. Fireworks - then Paul McCartney, looking all of 81 years, then sings "Hey Jude" strangely out of synch with himself at the start (??) Someone tells us in French to go home, there's nothing to see here. Michael Jordan then says in interview that he only knew what was going on because he spend so much time in England and he didn't think most people round the world would get it (unless they read this, of course).