FIRST LOVE? Ouch. That started when I was 16.
And there is no simple way to describe it.
Her name was "Vanessa" (she was and still is incredibly attractive). And it started off extremely awkward.
A friend of mine found a letter in his trash, that Vanessa wrote to his sister, talking about how she thought I was cute. He gave the crumbled letter to me, I sat down by Vanessa, and asked her "did you write this? do you really think I'm cute"? She ran out of the room, out the door, to the end of the street and called her mom to pick her up. I had no idea what to do so I didn't do anything.
A week later I saw her at another friends house and we were drinking. We went for a walk that night, and sat down on a red brick wall in front of some strangers house. I told her I thought she was "cute" too and that I liked her. I asked if she wanted to "french kiss" cause I've never done it before. She said "ok, do you have any gum"? I said "no".
So I ran about 400 feet back to the house to get some gum, and was back by Vanessa in less than 3 minutes.
Then I tilted her back on the grass. She made a comment about how she could see the stars through the trees, I asked "are you sure you want to do this"? She said something like "I think so". So we started to kiss. We started to move our tongues around awkwardly inside each other's mouths. Within 15 seconds I got grossed out and couldn't do it anymore. I've always had an aversion to saliva (can't drink from other peoples glasses) so I wasn't that surprised.
We tried again on multiple occassions. Then things started getting pretty serious after that point.
A little too serious.
One night we got really drunk. I was being standoffish, dramatic, depressed, and I told her I was molested when I was 10. She told me the same exact thing happened to her when she was younger. My eyes lit up and that was the first night we actually "bonded" on an emotional level. We didn't kiss. No touchy feely. We stayed up all night talking till the sun came up. And in the background, for about 6 hours straight played that song "love me love me, say that you love me....".
After that we couldn't stay away from each other. We stayed together for 2 years (till senior year). But we never had sex because we both had serious issues about sex.
We tried it one time but it turned into a match of "you take your pants off first then I will". Neither one of us would do it so it never happened. So we promised we'd do it when we got to college and got married.
Long story short, as much as I loved that girl, I was young, insecure, and had serious baggage. We both had baggage. The same type of baggage. The type of baggage that any adult knows would eventually catch up. Anyway, about 6 months before senior prom, things got real strange. We started fighting. One night I got drunk and called up Vanessa's life long best friend (Kerri). Vanessa was about a 9, Kerri was a 10. But Kerri was also blonde, had a nicer ass (wide hips), and was more outgoing and flirty. What basically happened is both I and Kerri got into a fight with Vanessa on the same night, then we decided to hook up with each other to get "revenge" on Vanessa. Kerri came over.... and things went much further than they should. We just planned on making out but since Kerri was not "damaged goods" and since she didn't know I WAS "damaged goods".... I pushed her as far as she'd go..... fingering a girl for the first time in my life. Fingering my girlfriends best friend.
The next day, the entire school found out and Vanessa wound up going home sick with her mom. She couldn't cope with the embarrassment.
By that point, I was suicidal over the whole ordeal. Vanessa called me up drunk later that night crying for an hour straight, telling me how much she loved me, how much she loved Kerri, asking how we could both do this to her. How we could plan something so evil. I apologized at least 1000 times and told her I loved her too but she just kept saying "you're so full of shit & I don't believe you".
Kerri eventually transferred OUT of school (with only 5 months left to graduate) because many of Vanessa's friends were harassing her, calling her a "whore". Asking how she could do something like that to her best friend.
Me on the other hand, I was getting props from my friends but I simply could not cope with what I did to her. So I started using drugs (pot, meth, coke, ecstacy, everything I could get my hands on). A few months later I dropped out of the wrestling team. Went to prom with a random friend of a friend then we graduated. And a few months after that I was facing 20 years in prison for drug related charges. I started making and selling drugs to support my habit. Wound up getting sentenced to 7 years and served almost 2 before getting paroled.
3 years after I got out. I saw Vanessa & Kerri at a local bar.
I was happy to see that they were friends again. And I just stood still like a tree. They got the deer in headlights look and stared at me like I was a ghost or something. A few seconds later it hit them that it was really me. And they both gave me a huge hug, started screaming frantically and asking how I was. How I coped with prison, how rehab was, how college was, etc etc. So I exchanged numbers with both of them. I hugged Kerri but made it a point to kiss Vanessa. Told her I was sorry for all the shit I did in highschool. How life was much better now and how prison was for the best. She said she didn't care and kept reminding me to call her.
The 1 thing I regret, more than cheating on her, getting addicted to drugs and going to prison.... was not telling her that night that I still had strong feelings for her.
I also deeply regret lying to her about the letter she sent to my mom while I was in prison (asking my mom to forward the letter to me which she DID but I lied to Vanessa saying my mother never sent it). It was a beautiful letter where she spilled her guts to me. Spraying her perfume on it so I could smell her again. That was too much. And I couldn't write back because.... I just couldn't rekindle a fractured relationship behind bars. I couldn't deal with that level of stress.
But I could see in her eyes that she still had strong feelings for me.
I KNEW I still had an opportunity to marry that girl. But prison had done something to me. Rehab had done something to me. I learned how to stay clean, but I also learned how to hide my emotions. I learned that my survival depended on it. That next week all I kept thinking was "just pick up the phone and call her, she asked you to call, she told you to call, she WANTS you to call..... WHY can't you just call her"? And looking back, I think the real reason I couldn't call .... I was afraid we WOULD rekindle the relationship, and it would somehow lead to me relapsing. This girl had indirectly led to me going to prison in the first place. And in a weird way, as much as I wanted to get back with her, I was more scared of what she could do to me.
So I never called.
A few years passed by and I found out she met some guy with the same first name as me. They got married. Half of me was happy for her, the other half was thinking "that guy should be me". I was very jealous. I tried to move on. I've dated other girls since then. But there's something about your first love that never seems to fade away.
A lot of the girls I've met since then tell me I have serious issues with commitment. That I'm not emotionally available. And I know I'm like that. I know why I'm like that. It's the survival mechanism of a man (boy) who once tried to destroy a woman (girl).... and wound up destroying himself instead. "Kharma", "Blowback".... I don't know wtf you'd call it but it sure is a BITCH.
Because there was a time in my life when I didn't know a thing about love. When I had NO IDEA that love could cause so much pain.
That it could send a person into a frenzy of using drugs.
That you could wind up in prison over love.... then convince people that love had nothing to do with it (it had >> EVERTHING to do with it).
Either way, 1 thing I do know. I had issues long before I met that girl. I had issues after. I have issues today.
I'm 32 now and have made up my mind that I'll forever be a bachelor. That I'll never get married. I've made up my mind that it takes an very strong person to love another. And it takes an even stronger person to love yourself. Call me a pussy, but I don't know how people do it. All 4 of my brothers are now married and I don't know how they do it. I don't understand how you devote yourself to 1 person your entire life.... nevermind 5, 10.... or 15 years. I don't understand how you love someone for that long. I don't understand how you deal with the fact that 1 day you'll lose that person... no matter how good things go.
I look at my parents now. They got married when they were 21 & 23. They're now 72 & 74 and are still married. It's unbelievable. Almost like a magic trick.
Cause I don't know how my mom or dad will carry on after one of them gets sick. After the inevitable becomes reality.
Yet in the same token, I don't know how I'll carry on alone. Because apparently, I have everything going for me. And I do. A great family. Great parents, great brothers who married great wives. I just seem to have this 1 really heavy bag, somewhere in the core of my identity. And I know how the bag got there. I know how it was reinforced in my adolescence. I just don't know how to pick that bag up and throw it the fuck away.... without throwing my identity away with it.
-BB
