Meeting the goddess within

pewep

pewep

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Guys, many of you know that I'm trying to achieve Yin Yang Gong/Zhen Qi - a merging of the masculine and feminine energies in my body and with it, the ability to perform 100 different miracles. I always thought it was a completely energetic process that happened internally but looking at my life, it's become more and more obvious that it's a physical, mental, spiritual and emotional process. I guess I should have known that, but you never truly understand something unless you've been there.

I had a chance encounter with my feminine side today. Literally. Here's the journal entry that I wrote down:
11/27/2016
I had been reading about the mahasiddha Tilopa and his student Naropa earlier in the day and felt a deep level of love and respect for them as well as admiration for their courage….their bravery and their success in Mahamudra. So I was thinking about them while gradually going to sleep and I started to feel the electricity again. This time it was at a very high current. I can’t trigger this at will so I try to remain present with the experience for as long as it lasts. It wasn’t painful – fortunately. Actually, I rather enjoyed the experience to be honest. Sometimes the current would make various muscles in my face, arms or legs twitch uncontrollably, but that’s okay.

An interesting side effect I noticed is that it tends to make me slide in and out of my body after a while. At one point I was lying close to the floor while my body was still asleep in my bed and that was quite interesting. I kept playing around with the current, seeing how to trigger it, increase it, decrease it, direct it, etc… when I found myself in a hyper-realistic dream.

I was in my old home in my room, completely naked and on top of a woman. Dude…she was truly, truly beautiful. Not in the traditional sense (I think), but to me, just looking at her filled me with a deep sense of longing…craving. I loved her – not just physically, emotionally too. I was still in dream mode so it took me a second to realize that…she looked EXACTLY like me – or at least a female version of me – right down to the skin tone. There was one major difference though – she had no mouth. This disturbed me greatly but she didn’t particularly seem distressed by it. Her eyes and facial muscles spoke volumes. Man, it’s crazy to tell you how real it felt – I could feel everything… right down to the texture of her hair. Damn!

My bedroom door was open and I heard some kind of commotion going on outside and I didn’t want anyone seeing us. I was lucid enough to know that this was a dream so I telekinetically slammed the door shut. The woman looked perplexed…as if asking me why I would do that. I guess she was perfectly fine putting on a show, but I certainly wasn’t.

I’ll spare you the details, but I assure you that what happened next comes very naturally. For the record she initiated it but what’s interesting is that the second I was in, it felt super, super intense. Not at all like normal sex. In fact I was jolted awake after 2 seconds – and once again my neck had an intense current running through it, this time on the opposite side! Also, the current felt very blissful/wonderful unlike the searing pain I had felt the last time. I giggled uncontrollably for a bit before I basically tried to get rid of the sensation because it was too much. My teacher was right, there is no difference between pain and pleasure - both energetic manifestations create suffering due to the ego's inability to handle intensity.

I had been lying on the side of my bed and as I gradually woke up, I looked up at my ceiling and I SAW a purpleish light hovering near the top which disappeared very rapidly.

Well, I’m not sure what to think about the whole experience but I know that I have been celibate for a while – and I also know that the electricity tends to make me “hallucinate” or see stuff that isn’t “real” if the current is too high.

Anyway, time for practice.
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I keep thinking about the fact that she had no mouth and to be honest that kind of bothered me. I know it was just a dream but I really do wonder what it means. Was the vision trying to tell me I've been silencing my feminine side? I very strongly identify as male, and I hate behaving in any way that could even loosely be construed as effeminate. That being said, I always felt like I'm fairly open to women and felt like I have a good idea of what their lives are like.

But seriously..what the hell do I know about women? I'm not trying to use that as a cop out in order to not explore my inner nature, I mean I really don't fundamentally know ANYTHING about what it means to be a woman. Is it really possible for me as a man to truly understand, contain and embody the complete feminine essence within me as much as I feel the masculine essence? Is it possible to do that without losing any of my masculinity in the process? Would I even want to?

I'll keep meditating.
 
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Sherbert Hoover said:
Disappointed. Thought this thread was about you finally meeting up with AI. Ah well.

What are your thoughts on mindfulness?
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Haha, hopefully someday :(.

Well, I'd definitely say that any kind of meditation is better than nothing. The best thing about mindfulness is that it gives you a kind of breathing room between you and your mind. What I mean is, for example if a situation arises that makes your mind angry, you can literally feel/see the anger rising within and how it forms - therefore giving you the space you need to either change the course of internal dialogue or go with it. I can't stress how much of an edge that give you. It's very, very, very useful.
 
pewep said:
Haha, hopefully someday :(.

Well, I'd definitely say that any kind of meditation is better than nothing. The best thing about mindfulness is that it gives you a kind of breathing room between you and your mind. What I mean is, for example if a situation arises that makes your mind angry, you can literally feel/see the anger rising within and how it forms - therefore giving you the space you need to either change the course of internal dialogue or go with it. I can't stress how much of an edge that give you. It's very, very, very useful.
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I've been using Headspace for when I get stressed, and for a few minutes in the morning before I head off to the office. It's really helped a lot with keeping my anxiety down and ensuring that I'm aware of my present state.
 
Sherbert Hoover said:
I've been using Headspace for when I get stressed, and for a few minutes in the morning before I head off to the office. It's really helped a lot with keeping my anxiety down and ensuring that I'm aware of my present state.
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Very good man, I've heard of a lot of people using that app. I haven't had the chance to check it out but if it's working for you that's great man. By the way if you're trying to reduce overall stress, somatic meditations (like the 10 points practice, etc...) really help a ton.
 
Maybe I should try to get in touch with my masculine side.

Brb; gonna go scratch my crotch in public and fart loudly just to be obnoxious.
 
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