Hi guys!
How are you?
Wow, its been a while - i got an email from the site with someone asking to check on me, check on my status.
First of all; a quote, "When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.
The 14th Dalai Lama (1935).
So many things have changed, and i'd be lying if i am to say i'm all good; but hey its different.
So since the last time, i applied for PLENTY of loans (minus those from loansharks) and i prayed hard, i sold plenty of things - and i managed to pay for one more month of rent for my school, and i managed to buy me sometime to work on other things.
I've abandoned projects or activities that were not going to benefit me in the immediate period. Things got better.
And then it got worse again.
You know the strangest thing is? Its actually still a bit more shit, but somehow, i am not panicking as much as i did? Like, i've stopped putting myself down, and thinking about suicide. (i did think of it 2-3 weeks ago).
What happened in Nov? My partner dumped me, i got cheated by a school who promised to take over my premise but bullied me to agree to things, and now i'm homeless.
Serious.
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH.. Landlord kicked me out - can you imagine, being homeless in a modern country lie Singapore. Not a lot of people know, its my third day now. I still go back to that apartment to change and stuff (and feed my cat) but i can't sleep there, so every night i've been sleeping on the street. Smart thinking today though, i packed a blanket, cause its been raining and its been darn cold.
See how my attitude has changed a little? It could be the shock at being dumped, or i just got tired of feeling screwed up and self-abusing myself. Numbness?
Breakup
Its been 3 weeks now, and i'm still in shock. I go to this park every evening to cry, and it helps me. We all need to let off steam. I thought the relationship was doing ok, but i guess i didn't pay it much attention. How could i really? I was (still am) going through rough, rough, rough times. I wish i did though, and i thought i was ex was the love of my life, but i guess not.
So, yes, tears in the evening, in the daytime i numb myself.
Homeless
What can i say, landlord kicked me out. I wasn't a dick, he was. I got home one evening, and i told him i didn't want to talk (he wanted to give me advice about life; i was exhausted, i wanted to to be left alone). He lost his cool, i lost my cool. He told me he's taking everything back, and i was gone.
I said i'll take everything once i find a place to stay, including my cat.
Its cool - they say, "When shit hits, it comes together at the same time". I guess its ok, cause the numbness and shock from my breakup is sort-of a cushion from this one.
Hey, i get to gaze into the sky, talk to the start and moon. Things will get better.
I hope, and i've been praying. Pray for me guys
Bullying/Cheating
What can i say; my luck. Sigh.
You guys remember i started a preschool, and its failed and i'm stuck with needing to pay $6000/month (when i'm already borke?). Well, i have two more months left before the contract ends, and so this school approached me and said they would like to take over those two months so they could expand and move in and open by the beginning of 2014. I happily agreed.
Last week we had a meeting, they changed shit, and now they are bullying me to give them plenty of free stuff, and i was cornered. Those stuff i need to sell to pay for food and shit, ya know.
Anyway, in my desperation i agreed, and they are to come back to me this week.
I have not felt as bullied and as vulnerable; breakup, homelessness and now this.
So thats me right now.
This morning, however, i told myself i'm ready to stand up and FIGHT through the next two months. One that is over, things will get better. And hopefully i'll stop sleeping on the street.
Guys, i have opened a fundraiser, the link is
http://youcaring.com/helpschool
I just need to endure through these two months, and then i'll be free to pick up the pieces. What i would love if you could so kindly to drop any donation, if not; to share this with people and hopefully they would help.
The good thing is right now, is i'm not sitting down crying and hating myself and wanting to kill myself. Like i said, i think the numbness from the breakup helps. And i'm so tired of feeling the self-pity.
Someone suggested i do this, so there!
Proud of me?
Any advice and suggestion would be greatly appreciated.
Anyway, any help on there if you want to be featured as a contributor on my school's website, please let me know.
Lastly but MOST DEFINITELY NOT LEAST; i want to thank you.
You know what i love about the internet? Strangers sharing kindness, generosity, advice and even, a shoulder to cry on. I don't have family who can help me, and trust me; i've been on personal websites asking for people to sit with me at the park just so i can cry.
The battle isn't over yet, but i'm working on finishing and winning the last few steps; and i know i can. So thank you for your kindness, fellow strangers, fellow human beings. You don't know what it does to others when you do certain things. Life is love, and when you can show kindness to someone else, it speaks volumes about yourself.
I'm not suicidal anymore; the battle is still on; but i don't intend on killing myself anymore.