Buying Altcoins

The goddamn shitshow altcoins are so fucking trendy these motherfucking puddles of gypsy-piss don't even use regular payment platforms any more. Like holy shit why would I ever want to move money from one thing to another thing and into another thing and wait for days while my information processes just so I can invest in an immensely overhyped and inflated fuckstain of a "coin" built by three 18 year olds with crypto-boners in their parents' spare bedroom, when I can take that same money, toss it into an equity fund, and hope that the interest rate averages higher than inflation before I die of old age or fucking off myself?

Sat for ten minutes on their trendy minimal one pager bullshit site before I said fuck it and did a reverse whois on their domain name. Literally called up the number and said "hey how do I actually buy this shit?" Dude talks to me like I'm an 80 year old retard instead of someone who has watched Big Short seven times now. Dude looks me right in the goddamn ear and says "Oh, well to process your payment you will have to upload proof of your identity and wait through our holding period before you can invest in BallhairCoin". He said BallhairCoin with some incredible air of superiority too.

I said "No, fuck you, I wanna be anonymous. Isn't that the point of this currency of the future?". Dude laughs at me. LAUGHS AT ME and says "Maybe other altcoins but this one is based on the rise and fall of the population of the Magicicada septendecula cicada." Oh okay, well then why is it called 'BallhairCoin'? "It's BallhairCoin so we can draw in the younger, sarcastic teen crowd." Ah, alright, so it's a pump and dump scheme targeting naive youth who think they are investors now? "No, sir, it's not a pump and dump scheme.

We drum up publicity for our coin and the value goes to the moon, and then we sell and make millions." Oh alright. So a pump and dump scheme then? Okay, I want in. And the guy brushes me off and insists that I need to upload documentation and link a bank account. So I said sure and gave him all my bank account information, and the fucker still needed my social security number and two other credit-related forms of payment. Sixteen digits, expiration, CVV, the whole shebang.

And I buy a couple grand in this coin, and the guy promises that I'll be a millionaire in a month and the asks for my address to send a paper receipt. A physical receipt that I can carry in my pocket? You're not gonna beam it to my fucking wrist? You're not going to send it via dropbox to an undisclosed fucking IP address where I have to complete a CAPTCHA and accept terms and conditions for the one billionth time and then mail them a vial full of jizz in order to check that, yes, I did just spend $5,000 to buy into your goddamn pump and dump scam?

I mean for fuck's sake. I'm not a moron. So the dude has all my necessary information. Some guy named Juice van Worm or Doost von Horns or something Baltic. Anyone else get put through the ringer to buy into these newfangled altcoins or am I just some old fogey nocoiner looking for love in all the wrong fucking places? I mean shithttp://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/392/685/a9c.png

Touched me in all the right places. Can’t wait for the future.

hmm, forgot to press enter after each paragraph ?

fuck investing, let's travel sherbs https://insidethevolcano.com/

Wow, what a story...

I have to ask, seriously? LOL

So I said sure and gave him all my bank account information, and the fucker still needed my social security number and two other credit-related forms of payment. Sixteen digits, expiration, ***, the whole shebang.

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RIP lol

Mr.Boss said:

hmm, forgot to press enter after each paragraph ?

Click to expand...

You know what Mr. Boss you clowny piece of pie, let me tell you a thing or two about a thing or two. I'll have you know that I'm one of the top 500,000 members on this here internet message board, and that being the case I wield power beyond your wildest dreams. You squanched with the wrong hombre there buckaroo. Call out my spacing, let me tell you something, you don't know me. I'm a goddamn fearmongering bitcoin billionare. While I was secretly pushing all the non stubborn fucks to sell all their coins I was buying em up like a fat fuck buys up mountain dews and kit kats to eat on the way home and hide the wrappers in the glovebox so my in-shape homo boyfriend doesn't know i'm cheating on my diet. Yeah THAT many bitcoins. I could take ten trips inside the volcano with my buddy scribbles and there's nothing you could do about it. Just go in and out and in and out of that damn volcano like I was in and out and in and out of your dad last week. Yeah that's right he wasn't on a business trip he was eating kit kats with me there, clown boy. And here's another thing you don't know me, you don't know what i been through. I seent some shit there, friend-o. And yes I'm serious contenteggspurt, does it look like I fuck around. Look at my likes, look at all those damn likes. That is careful and precise progressive growth of a beautiful account just so I can tell you fucks about my experience. I don't play no shit outside the lounge. My boiz micky and neon can vouch. I'm a hundo-pee straight shooter with middle management written all over me. isn't that right mr boss man? Ooo I'm pissed. You got me in a tussle I'm about to piss in a weasel's ear I'll tell you that much for fact. Know what, fuck this. I'm gonna go watch Big Short again and eat some of this damn kale shit. But I'll be back tomorrow to tell all y'all what's what. Buncha damn fuckknuckles up in here dissing a real investor big baller no limits texas whodat. Sherbs out micdrop.

+1 for you sir, for an entertaining, informative, entertaining, and well written opening paragraph. lol.