@PPCPirate nailed it honestly. The "I" rule is fine as a starting point but those example lines are already burnt to a crisp. "Your latest episode was fire" gets deleted before it's even read now.

@Venusaur is right about the dashes too... funny that the post itself is full of them.

The word swap doesnt matter half as much as the trigger behind it. If you cant point to something real that just happened on their end, no clever opener saves you. First line can start with I, you, whatever, as long as line two proves you actually looked.
 
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