Looking for advice on this email copy

[Astrael]

A client wants me to write copy for an email blast they plan on doing, here's what I have so far

Did you know that more than 90% of people take note of words and pictures that are displayed on trucks?

An individual vehicle wrap can make between 30,000 and 80,000 impressions a day at an average cost of $0.10CPM, making it one of the lowest cost and most efficient means of marketing.

Here at [redacted] we are dedicated to bringing your vehicle to life with vibrant and engaging graphics that will not only turn heads, but drive leads. Whether you're rebranding, preparing for an event, or simply looking for a new means of advertising, we will work with you every step of the way to ensure that your project is done right the first time.

I don't usually write copy, so this is pretty shit. He's targeting project managers, so the idea is essentially to show how the service will cut costs / generate revenue.

How can I improve it? The headline/hook is really the only thing that matters, right?

 

[Matthew C]

What do you mean by vehicle wrap? I honestly could not understand the meaning of the article so I cannot suggest anything at this point.

 

[uristjack]

What do you mean by vehicle wrap? I honestly could not understand the meaning of the article so I cannot suggest anything at this point.

What is a Car Wrap?

To Astrael, I can't give you copy, but try these links:

• List of Power Words - So that your copywriting is fine-tuned.
• • Copy-writing Formulas - Copy-writing formulas are great.
  • Selling with the Seven Sins! - Shameless self-plug, and you'll be selling to greed and sloth (since it will be easy advertising).

 

[infoJunkie]

It's too wordy.
Try something like this:

90% of people take note of words and pictures that are displayed on trucks

Just one vehicle wrap gets 30,000 - 80,000 impressions a day at an average cost of $0.10CPM, making it one of the lowest cost and most efficient means of marketing.

[redacted] is dedicated to bringing you:
*Leads
*(Etc Etc List the bullets that are valuable to the client.)
*(Etc Etc List the bullets that are valuable to the client.)

Whether you're rebranding, preparing for an event, or simply looking for a new means of advertising, we work with you every step of the way to ensure that your project is done right the first time.


So that's just what I can think of on the fly

 

[sadecentpoint]

No!
Headline or subject will raise your open rate but not conversions. Try to understand your target audience and then write what they want.
A good way is to ask them .

 

[nanetto]

Not agree: headline can boost your conversion too because, with a good headline, you have more people looking with attention your message in the sale's message. A crappy headline can kill your sells, a good one can boost them.

 

[dylanmalc]

Have you tried the infotainment writing principle? It's Ben Settle's writing principle for emails.