"We are the fucking best".
Companies are usually way to formal imho.
"we rank your site - or it's free"
(no need to specify where exactly you'll rank their site, i mean even if it is on page 6, it is still ranked)
"It does that job. That's the idea."
Wait. I take that back. Don't use it. It's mine and I want it. Just forget I said anything. If you use it, I'll sue.