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Writing a Persuasive Email

Discussion in 'Copywriting & Sales Persuasion' started by FlightSchool, Mar 31, 2014.

  1. FlightSchool

    FlightSchool Registered Member

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    Hello everyone,

    I need some help/tips on writing a good, persuasive email. I am doing ORM and I am targeting a local Dentist chain company. They have centers all over the city, however the reviews they have are horrible. I plan on attaching photos of their reviews on google into the email, but I need someone to look over the email body aspect. I've sent roughly 50-55 pieces of envelope mail since January and my response was not as great as I wanted it, however to be fair, the problem was in my targets because I targeted a lot of businesses with only 1 or 2 reviews and only 1 of them being bad usually. So they were not really convinced that the reviews were hurting them even though the lack of reviews is.

    Either way, point is, I have been using 7878's letter body as my own except in the last email, I put a twist on it. Here it is:

     
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  2. Therapy101

    Therapy101 Registered Member

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    I wouldn't use "Dear" in the beginning. It's to personal and could turn off potential clients.

    "attached are some unfavorable reviews about your {business type} that I pulled from the very 1st page of Google. "
    Get rid of the "very."

    " I have also helped several businesses such as hotels and a physician."
    Get rid of this. If you want really want to keep it then make it "physicians."

    "Whichever you should decide to go"
    Reword this.

    I reviewed it pretty quickly. So if anyone else has more to add on to mine, feel free.


     
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  3. codexehow

    codexehow Power Member

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    Good Advice Therapy.

    "I have also helped several businesses such as hotels and a physician."

    I would change this to:

    "I have helped several business owners, including a few hotel owners and a physician."

    The second "your" in the first sentence should be "it."

    Just change "whichever way" to "Whatever you do decide.."

    The sentence after "Costs?" is awkward. You can take a lot of the words out and retain the meaning.

    And I would change that sentence up anyway. You can't speak in absolutes because you don't actually know if the negative reviews are hurting them. Always use qualifiers like "could be."


    I would avoid the word "suppress." It's evocative, but in this case it might scare business owners away.

    The word "press" is out of place here. Negative reviews aren't press. You can't do anything about negative reviews in newspapers, so don't put the idea that you can in prospect's head.

    "Just contact me" sounds a bit off. Maybe, "You may contact me between the hours of ___ and ___ Monday through Friday." This sounds more professional.


     
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    Last edited: Apr 9, 2014
  4. Conor

    Conor Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    I did a bit of research on this a while back, so here's my advice:

    Don't get as personal with your greeting as "Dear", but don't be too formal with "Greetings and salutations". I like to use "Hi" or "Good Morning/Afternoon".

    Don't make your email too long. I see a wall of text and I want to cry. Get straight to the point. Keep it short and sweet. Also remove the first line "I'm going to get straight to the point". That sentence is redundant and just wastes time, imo.

    Don't mention costs in the first email. Actually, don't talk about what YOU want at all. Not in the first email. You need to highlight the problem, and tell the client how you can help THEM.

    Make it sound like you've typed the email for this one business in particular. Saying "I may have even been in your business at one time..." sounds generic.

    In your closing sentence, take away "If I'm with another client...", you want to give the impression that you're ALWAYS available to help. Don't say "Contact me anytime", but don't highlight possible problems they might experience when contacting you.

    At the very least, I'd separate my paragraphs dude. Try keep it to 2-3 lines, and you should be good.

    PS: I don't like "Sincerely" personally. Again, too formal. I'd go with "Kind Regards" or "All the best", or something like that.
     
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  5. Porphyrogenitus

    Porphyrogenitus Junior Member

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    If your name data is accurate, I have to strongly disagree with what other posters are saying about the names. I once split-tested the names and found that Dear Mr./Ms. converts much better than Dear [first name], Hi, or just [first name],. This was in the law niche so its possible this might not perform well in say, blackhat niches.

    You're not going to sell them in an email. It should just be opening. Tell them how you can help them, but leave it at that. Try to make them feel the pain of the lost sales. Then at the end, say you can explain how you might be able to help them. Ask them if there is a time you can set for an appointment to show them how you will be able to turn their online reputation around.

    Make everything about the client at all times. Don't even talk about price until the very end of an appointment where you feel the client might be thinking about buying.

    The other big point here is differentiation. Your current email makes you sound like just a typical rep management company. Try to explain why you are more than that. That will make them feel more interested.

    Also, when you say facts like "over 70%", make sure you back them up with an extremely reputable citation. This smells like bs to most clients. Something more specific, like "Last month, over 820 potential customers in the [city] area searched for your business before making a purchase" sounds better than broad, arbitrary, impersonal, and deceptive figures.
     
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  6. slntdth7

    slntdth7 Junior Member

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    I do email marketing for our startup (real estate market). Our users are extremely lazy, getting them to open an email let alone read it is hard. Although we offer a product to help them close more deals faster, they apparently don't have the time of day to try it out.

    From what I have learned, the biggest thing has been KEEPING IT SIMPLE. We use simple subject lines like "favor" or "question" our A/B tests show that some of the larger subject lines don't work (in our line of work, which is different from you). What is your subject line?

    Also, Your email is extremely long. Like super long, I couldn't even read it all I lost focus very fast(I do have ADHD though). In our emails we try to keep it under 4 paragraphs and paragraph to us is 1-3 sentences tops. Shorter emails are easier to read, if I got something like this in my inbox I would be overwhelmed by the amount of text and delete it.

    Maybe 1st paragraph talking about the bad reviews like you already have

    2nd introduce yourself.

    3rd - I dont like the "here's the deal", maybe make this a simple sentence about how many of their customers are leaving bad reviews and leave it at that (or a similar topic on how these bad reviews are bad, maybe a small stat, but keep it short).

    4th line maybe give him your contact info tell him you would love to go into more detail over phone/email.

    I think the goal is to get a 2nd convo and the 2nd convo is when you unleash all these stats and text on him, people dont have time to read that much text as a 1st email. Hook him with your first, then attack.

    Plus as a first contact email, it sounds so much like a sales pitch (of course that's your intention) but how often do you read emails in your inbox that sound like sales pitches? I certainly dont. Explain the problem, tell him you have some great ideas and would like 5 minutes of his time in person/phone and if not maybe try email? If you can get some facetime/phone time and have some solutions to give him (without him taking those solutions for himself) that might work.

    I hope this helps, I'm super new to this forum
     
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    Last edited: Apr 11, 2014
  7. FlightSchool

    FlightSchool Registered Member

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    Wow, just checked back in for this thread. Thanks for all the replies guys. Btw, how well would the revised email be for direct mail marketing?

    Or would the revised version be too short as you guys are suggesting the email to be?
     
  8. SEOnetic

    SEOnetic Senior Member

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    Its sorts of boring in the body.
     
  9. FlightSchool

    FlightSchool Registered Member

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    What do you guys think about adding in "sign up by 'x date' and I will add x free months to the service" at the end of the letter?

    I want people to act fast because I have this one guy really interested yet he is taking all the time in the world.
     
  10. Ceo Eric

    Ceo Eric Newbie

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    Damn dude these are all Great points thanks
     
  11. slntdth7

    slntdth7 Junior Member

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    We just implemented that into our emails to create a sense of urgency. I do feel it is a good tactic, however it shouldnt be in the first email. Keep the 1st email short, hook them making them want more, then hit them with this on 2nd contact....just my opinion
     
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  12. slntdth7

    slntdth7 Junior Member

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    Update: The one thing we did notice after implementing a "Responses due by X time" was that some of our users were discouraged after the time expired(even though the time meant nothing it was just to trick them to have a sense of urgency). These users said they didnt respond because it was past the time we gave them.....different situation than yours, just sharing
     
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  13. smacker

    smacker Newbie

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    Dude, go to Google and look for Ben Settle and read his blog, and join his email players daily mailing list..

    He's honestly the king of email.. and his daily mails are excellent!.. (not affiliated!)
     
  14. shtefcs

    shtefcs Registered Member

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    Nice tips guys, tnx for sharing
     
  15. dennis07

    dennis07 Junior Member

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    I've learned a lot from this thread as well. I've learned certain methods which may help me in the future if I was to start to send out emails to companies.