Wow, so many problems at the same time. I hope you'll get better. Did you consider just chilling out a bit? Less work/learning, more relaxing, even lazy naps? Switching to lighter workouts? More chilling and self care? I'm not suggesting getting off drugs if they actually work/help you of course. I do find that my health (both physical and mental) gets worse from overwork, getting a break often fixes stuff than medicines or herbs can't.
It's genetic and the symptoms get worse when bad things happens. My grandparent is living on the verge of psychosis since 20 years - just praying and walking around all the time, haven't worked since decades. I was so sorry to see this when I was younger.
I choose drugs that have the least amount of side effects on me. I just have to. Medicating with alcohol or weed is the worst idea - and that's what I was doing for a couple of years around people similar to myself. Just drowning with other depressed peopel.
I couldn't work, sleep, eat, think, for about 4 months. I had constant recursive thoughts about death, imagining nothingness etc. It's feeling like being in an infinite thought loop).
In that state I used to punch myself in the face with a kind of force that would break someone's teeth if I directed that force at them.
I became a vegetable constantly repeating in my head that I want to die, trying to move myself to a forest. It's major depression. Last time it was so severe 8 years ago. I made so many bad decisions during that time... So you can conclude multiple medications (even if it's benzodiazepines) will save life of a majorly depressed person.
I'm saying this, so you can realize what depression truly is. If you haven't witnessed it, you don't know what it is.
It's the reason people kill themselves. It's not like sadness, hunger or bad feelings. It's like a drug induced experience on a high dose all mixed together and that doesn't stop (without hallucinations, but with delusions). Fucking mental illness. It will try to trick your mind to stop doing medications and it will trick you into assumptions that's all has always been good. You can't let it.
There's no reason behind it. It's genetic. Everyone in my family suffers from it.
Professional corporate programmers are ridiculous. I live in a city with biggest tech school and lots of software houses and man... These people are crazy. So full of themselves. Yet a lot of the time their earnings aren't that great. Their skills aren't either. A lot of employees aren't technical people even, there's huge demand for cheap labour in these IT companies. At the same time they act like they have the best career in the world, are very rude to other people, etc.
Many of them have no idea what marketing is and they think their apps will get famous thanks to their complicated algorithms. Most get stuck at $4k per month and marketers reach 7, 8, 9 figures. If Elon Musk was just an engineer, he would not cross 7 figures annually.
You know, with programming I have a weird dillema. I get bored to death unless it's security or spam related. Hahahah. So, you know, it depends. It might be more beneficial to focus on stuff you like, rather than force boring stuff on yourself. Unless you don't like it at all, that's perfectly fine, not everyone likes it! Tbh I actually prefer sysadmin stuff (linux, servers, etc) than programming. And then security related programming after that. Don't force me to do frontend or I'll vomit on the screen.
Frontend is like a designer. He won't get any functionality ready unless he becomes a full stack but that's a whole lot of learning.
Without backedn, your capacity is limited and you are not an engineer, but a specialized coder. There is no concept of object oriented programming in frontend. And I think it's the most basic thing in programming, beyond logics of the computers.
Frontend went too far. Look at google analytics or AWS. This is horrible user experience. Setting up a website on AWS is a nightmare.
