Discussion in 'Copywriting & Sales Persuasion' started by TheOnlyKazm, Jul 31, 2013.
It seems like the whole letter is a hook, meaning you're trying to grab the reader's attention. You should only have a hook in the beginning. From there it should get more serious and it should be professional.
EDIT: I believe 7878 has a pre written letter some where on the forum.
Thanks for your input, the main idea of the letter is to (quite obviously) get a call as I would much prefer talking rather than explaining this and that on paper, however I feel its more formal to contact them via letter.
However, I do appreciate your advice and no doubt you are supplying good and relevant information on which I can improve. May you please offer any resources or further advice? I would greatly appreciate it.
A hook is important, but what is more important to a good sales letter is to createa personal touch. Connection sells not sales pitches or information. Too many people fill their messages with info, stats etc, then they get few replies back cause people open these and just delete them because it all smells of sales.
If you want to make an impression with return then figure out a way that makes your letter sound personal, use words like , help, assist, reaching out, ect and express how your "personal experience in this industry" gives you an ability to help their business and that you would like to schedule some time to talk a bit more with them about how you can help them.
Make your letter sound more like your wanting a job with their company (but dont say that, just have that attitude) instead of providing a service.
If you haven't read the thread above then you should read it. 7878 shows his method when sending letters. Even though he is advertising Rep management you could take his technique and tips and use them with your letter.
Read his sample letter, he gets straight to the point. I don't know if that's the tone you're going for, but that is one tone you should definitely try.
Another thing, see how he adds a hand written analysis? You can do this too. If the person you're mailing to has an existing website you could print out a screen of it and analyze it. If the person you're mailing to doesn't have a website you could possibly send them a draft of something you could do. This could be the the "personal touch."
Thanks for the advice everyone.
It's not too bad for a first attempt.
1. "How well is your business doing for you?" is not grammatically correct. It should be "How well is your business doing?" or "What is your business doing for you?"
2. "That's the most important question, isn't it?" After this line you should briefly outline the problem, then address how you have a solution to those problems.
3. "Many or your competitors..." again the grammar. You have mixed "competitor have", a present tense, with "running marketing campaigns" past tense. Should be something like, "Many or your competitors already have developed websites, and are running marketing campaigns that include social media." Of course, You'll want to add your personal touch to it.
4. Last, but not least, a strong call to action is needed. "If you want to hear more..." gives them a choice that you don't want them to make. "You need to call us now to find out how cost effective our services can be!" Or something to that effect is a little stronger.
Just some suggestions.
Thanks for your amazing help.
Also, check out robert collier's letter book. Old, but still great!
Separate names with a comma.