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The Ultimate Beginners SEO guide. Penguin/Panda/Crocodile certified!!!

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by TedNugent, Jun 13, 2013.

  1. TedNugent

    TedNugent Junior Member

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    Well hello everyone. My name is Ted Nugent

    So I have been on the site for about 2 months now and I have learned a lot about SEO and other web practices. I wanted to make a quick checklist of things that your website should do to get Crocodile certified. That's like top certification at Google. YEAHH!! ANYWAY lets get started.

    Just a quick intro about myself. I have been in the ebay/amazon game for some time now and have a ton of knowledge regarding those two sites, so feel free to ask me any questions about the sites :D

    So without further ado, heres the list :D

    BTW PLEASE READ THE WHOLE GUIDE!!!

    1. Make sure your site contains only images and videos. NO TEXT!! Text is the devil. In fact, google penilzes on text. They don't like text. Fancy, highly graphical websites are the way to go :D

    2. Keyword stuffing, keyword stuffing, keyword stuffing, keyword stuffing, keyword stuffing. keyword stuffing is by far the best way to get a high rank on google. If you only put the word "web design" in your site once, how is google going to know what its about? Keyword stuffing is kiiiing. Its kind of like turkey stuffing at thanksgiving (for those of you who live in US). I mean, who doesnt like stuffing? So if you want to rank for web design, do something like this.

    Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design Web design

    put that line right at the top of your page in HUGE LETTERING!!! guaranteed to let people and google know about what you do :D remember, the more the better

    3. Remember what back links are? Well have you heard of front links? Front links are king. Remember you cant spell best without the word front!! wait.... Anywayyyyy Front links are when you put a link to your competitors sites on your site. It tells google that your charitable and want to grow the market. Google loves this and rewards you greatly :D

    4. Dont put a sitemap. Sitemaps are just contraband to google. don't ask why cuz no one knows. Just do it :D

    5. Focus on Ask.com. Many people dont know this, but Google is owned by Ask.com. Ask tells google which sites are the best. If you specifically develop your site for ask.com, google will be like. "ho dang, these guys know what they are doing!!" and rank you thusly :D

    6. Remember when I said to only use images? well with those images, don't use alt tags. Alt tags are the devil. Alt tags tell google what your picture is NOT about. Remember, that's what your keyword stuffing is for.

    7. Put htaccess on every page of your site. By making people have to figure out the password to your site through the HTaccess, its like a puzzle to them. Once they solve it, they will feel like they accomplished something and want to buy your product. Its like a who for one. They solve a puzzle, and get your great products :D

    8. Put all of your pages in robots.txt and put them to disallow indexing. Indexing is how google steals your identity. You don't want that now do you? :D

    If you follow these principles, you are guaranteed to rank high on google :D

    I hope you all realize that this is a joke :D lol.

    If you actually are very new to seo and you stumble upon this stupid post, remember that everything I said is the opposite of what you should actually do. These are general principles of what NOT to do.

    Hope you all had a good laugh with that, as I did. Talk to you all soon :D
     
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  2. Untouchable

    Untouchable Supreme Member

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    Good thing you posted in the lounge. I was like WTF?
     
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  3. steelballs

    steelballs BANNED BANNED

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    How is your band Ted?

    [​IMG]
     
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  4. Moosey

    Moosey Senior Member

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    Lol this method is pretty awesome, will definitely try it out, not.
     
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  5. TedNugent

    TedNugent Junior Member

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    Untouchable: Yeah I made sure I put it somewhere where it would be sort of hidden haha. I didnt want people to think that this is actually what your supposed to do. I just wanted to write something and I thought this would be fun haha.

    steelballs. Doing great man. Currently on tour in the US. Love that picture btw. haha
     
  6. Rokebono

    Rokebono Senior Member

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    Lol Ted, your post was funny to read.
     
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  7. TedNugent

    TedNugent Junior Member

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    Good stuff man haha.
     
  8. TedNugent

    TedNugent Junior Member

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    Thanks man haha. Thats exactly what I wanted to happen. Just trying to have fun on a forum that is really serious. Honestly though, I have learned a lot and hope to learn more. Just wanted to give something back that might make people laugh haha.
     
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  9. rodowdy09

    rodowdy09 Regular Member

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    Lol, ok.. when I started, the second part of your text was below the fold... When I read the first step -- NO TEXT! I was like WTF??!?!? But I kept reading just to see where it was going... I am a straight newb, glad I never ran into this when I first joined. Might have had a website with all WEIGHT LOSS WEIGHT LOSS WEIGHT LOSS WEIGHT LOSS WEIGHT LOSS WEIGHT LOSS across the top of page (actually probably wouldn't have been any worse than my current non-producing sites :( )

    I hope no new person, tries to follow this blindly and over look the 'joke' part lol....

    --Rich
     
  10. edgematch

    edgematch Elite Member

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    You should have so much free time...