Some questions about copywriting

Naulex · Jun 4, 2017

Hi!

I was helping today a friend to launch his business and we were going to contact local business by e-mail. We were thinking about this strategy:

First, a short e-mail to contact them and set a meeting in person
Second, the meeting

But where we are having a lot of problems is designing the e-mail since we are not experts in sales persuasion.

I have thought this e-mail template:

Good morning Mr. Someone,

I am X, the business relations manager of Y company. My company was looking your <Insert service here> and we thought we can improve it, so we had to tell you it to offer our services. I have attached some documents about our new concept of <insert service here> and I would like to know if you would be interested in meeting next week to talk about this.

Kind regards,
X & the whole Y team

But I am not sure, I think it could be improved and I wanted to share it here looking for advice so, any advice?

brainagogo · Jun 4, 2017

A better way is to state what is their problem that you see and how you can improve it (include some teaser). Just by stating "My company was looking your <Insert service here> and we thought we can improve it" isn't enough, because they can't see the big picture. You have to tell them what is their current problem with confidence to attract their attention to you.

Naulex · Jun 4, 2017

brainagogo said:
A better way is to state what is their problem that you see and how you can improve it (include some teaser). Just by stating "My company was looking your <Insert service here> and we thought we can improve it" isn't enough, because they can't see the big picture. You have to tell them what is their current problem with confidence to attract their attention to you.

So, something like this:
Good morning Mr. Someone,

I am X, the business relations manager of Y company. My company was looking your <Insert service here> and we found some important problems in your service, problems that we can improve, so we feel we must to offer you our services to solve them. I have attached some documents about our new concept of <insert service here> and I would like to know if you would be interested in meeting next week to talk about this.

Kind regards,
X & the whole Y team

Would be better? It should be short, shouldn't it? Since a busy man is not going to read a long e-mail from an unknown person

Reaver · Jun 4, 2017

Hit a pain point or offer them a solution to a problem that every business has. (Sometimes this is the same thing.)

For example, "I can increase your number of repeat customers. Repeat customers are responsible for 80% of your business revenue. If you got one repeat customer that spent $100 a month, you would earn $1200 a year. Now imagine 50 or 100 repeat customers."

That's way too wordy in all honesty but you get the picture. Touch a pain point, offer a solution with your service.

brainagogo · Jun 4, 2017

Yeah basically something like that, I'd also use this line "As a gesture of goodwill, we are offering a free consultation for you on how to improve your brand and take it to the next level. Let us know if you are available next week and we will schedule a meeting with you accordingly"

It gives the psychological thinking that you are offering something that you usually charge for free, and that would sound like an opportunity for the business owners to capture.

blizz3010 · Jun 4, 2017

Here are some ideas that you can branch off. Now, these are aren't related to what your doing, but it should give you some ideas. Have you tried googling it? I got these from a simple google search.
https://blog.hubspot.com/sales/sale...t-a-response#sm.0001g7xv1h18whd6kymwcpjlo2cod
https://attach.io/sales-email-templates/
http://blog.close.io/5-cold-email-templates-that-will-generate-warm-leads-for-your-sales-team

On average people only spend 10-20 seconds reading an e-mail. What I would do is whatever you do decide to send, makes sure it is short and sweet. Read aloud to yourself and timeyouself. See how long it is. As someone stated above. Describe a problem , and in the email try to show how you would fix the problem.

Naulex · Jun 4, 2017

alwaysinvisible said:
Hit a pain point or offer them a solution to a problem that every business has. (Sometimes this is the same thing.)

For example, "I can increase your number of repeat customers. Repeat customers are responsible for 80% of your business revenue. If you got one repeat customer that spent $100 a month, you would earn $1200 a year. Now imagine 50 or 100 repeat customers."

That's way too wordy in all honesty but you get the picture. Touch a pain point, offer a solution with your service.

So, it is a good idea to talk about money and percentages to attract the buyer.

brainagogo said:
Yeah basically something like that, I'd also use this line "As a gesture of goodwill, we are offering a free consultation for you on how to improve your brand and take it to the next level. Let us know if you are available next week and we will schedule a meeting with you accordingly"

It gives the psychological thinking that you are offering something that you usually charge for free, and that would sound like an opportunity for the business owners to capture.

It sounds good!

blizz3010 said:
Here are some ideas that you can branch off. Now, these are aren't related to what your doing, but it should give you some ideas. Have you tried googling it? I got these from a simple google search.
https://blog.hubspot.com/sales/sale...t-a-response#sm.0001g7xv1h18whd6kymwcpjlo2cod
https://attach.io/sales-email-templates/
http://blog.close.io/5-cold-email-templates-that-will-generate-warm-leads-for-your-sales-team

On average people only spend 10-20 seconds reading an e-mail. What I would do is whatever you do decide to send, makes sure it is short and sweet. Read aloud to yourself and timeyouself. See how long it is. As someone stated above. Describe a problem , and in the email try to show how you would fix the problem.

Thanks for the links, I will have too much to read and investigate!

I am thinking about creating few e-mail templates and try each one with the same number of clients, maybe I could find one with a good conversion.

Reaver · Jun 4, 2017

Naulex said:
So, it is a good idea to talk about money and percentages to attract the buyer.

It is but please don't drone on like I did. That is a bad example. I wrote that when I was tired.

Keep percentages and revenue to 2 sentences, 3 max. Try to keep your emails no longer than 8 sentences. That fits within the 10-20 second time frame mentioned by someone else.

Also, yes, split testing is a good idea. Also test your subject lines for open rates. The email is important but your subject is what is going to make them open the email.

Naulex · Jun 4, 2017

alwaysinvisible said:
It is but please don't drone on like I did. That is a bad example. I wrote that when I was tired.

Keep percentages and revenue to 2 sentences, 3 max. Try to keep your emails no longer than 8 sentences. That fits within the 10-20 second time frame mentioned by someone else.

Also, yes, split testing is a good idea. Also test your subject lines for open rates. The email is important but your subject is what is going to make them open the email.

Yeah, the subject is something I am not really sure how to do. I will have to search information about it too.

Evelyninusa · Jun 10, 2017

I would start with something like 'imagine that [your problem is solved and you are seeing this great result.]

My company can help you with that.

Then go on to explain who you are, that you saw their brochure, and think you can improve their services.

Some questions about copywriting

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