Rate my cold copy

I'm pretty new here in BHW so I'm not sure this is the right place to post this so for any problem please lmk and I'll delete the post.
Hello I've been looking for store owners to offer my services to and I've been sending this message to shopify groups (discord or skool). What do you think.

"
If you're in this group I assume you have a store...
If you do, you're missing out on BAGS.

Let me tell you why

I checked some stores from other users and most of them are missing one thing.
One thing that could get them almost double the money that they're making from traffic.

And if they're selling a product that is recurring product (people need to buy again after a while. Like a pen or a fragance etc...) you could make even more money.

Once the traffic gets to your website, they don't want to buy right now, they don't trust you to buy right now.

So guess what happens?
THEY DON'T FUCKING BUY.

Actually... some of them may buy but MOST of them think it that way.
And once they leave the website they're NEVER coming back.

So what is the solution?
What is the magic trick that will double my income?

Let me get you through another scenario so you can visualize it...
Lead clicks your AD and gets to your website because he's interested in what you're selling.
POP UP. "Get 10% off your first order"
"WHAT?! 10% OFF and all I have to do is put my email?!"
He's already interested in the product so he will put his email in.
"Thank you for subscribing, we've sent the code to your email"

And here the magic happens.
Lead Opens the email to get his discount code.
Welcome email comes into the game.
But before giving them the code, we give them a warm welcome and most importantly...
We get the reader to LIKE, KNOW and TRUST your brand and make him believe that you're very much better than the competition.
And guess what that means? BAG$$$$$

And before you ask, yes they will read them and will like, know and trust your brand because:
1 they want their discount and
2 they will get enchanted by my charming words.

End of the story?

• Traffic puts in the email bacause is interestend and may want to buy so 10% off is attractive.
• Traffic get charmed by my words.
• Then 2 things can happen.

They buy your shit: $$ + you have their email so you can do email marketing for more $$
OR They don't buy your shit but you have their email: "Special discount ending in 30 minutes buy fast"
"Cristhmas deals", etc... (You will sell them anyway)

Does that work you may ask.
You've been reading this shit so yes it does.
I'm writing 1 free welcome email to the first 3 (now 2) people that ask me + I will help them set up the automation.
For the others... I ain't doing that for free.
Peace."

It's too long for outreach message idk. I thought mine is too long but this is way longer.

This isn't even in my spam box & I'm still not reading that.

Shorter is always better. Maybe condense it down to a line or two.

Its too comprehensive i must say, attention life span of prospects is short, make it brief and straight to the point

First thought: "this is too long. There's no way I'm going to read all that from a stranger who is obviously selling something".
Maybe reduce the length, add bullet points and bolded text to your message across even on casual perusal

Fix every typo error (fragance, bacause, interestend, Cristhmas, etc.) And cut the whole thing by ~40%.

It currently feels sloppy and too long for cold copy. people skim and bounce. Clean + Concise = instant credibility boost and higher replies.