1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Please rate my article? I've been practicing

Discussion in 'Blogging' started by LuckyGaines23, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. LuckyGaines23

    LuckyGaines23 Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2015
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    This is not an official article. It is not being used, nor do I plan on using it. I'm trying to jump in the article writing game and want some feedback. This particular article is more so of the BLOGGING type of content. I finally have my own Blackhat account. I was posting and asking questions from my roommate's account. We pretty much been sharing the account. However, I thought it was time for me to join the family on my own. Thank you. The article is below:







    The reason why you should move out of Michigan.


    I learned that scenery has so much impact on our state of mind and state of emotions. I am not here to bash Michigan. However, I will give you a few reasons why it will benefit a young individual to relocate.

    First being the weather:

    I am a young individual who was born and raised in Southeastern Michigan. Where there are four active seasons all year round, with long lasting snow filled winters with 10 degrees minus the wind chill. I often complain to my friends who moved out of Michigan, and who are now living in warmer regions such as; California, Florida and Arizona. They often brag about their 70 degree weather in December. They also send pictures on the beach with caption reading; ?How?s your winter, Bobby? Lol?. I, chuckle with distress. I?ve been living in Michigan for the whole 23 years of my life and I still have not accepted the poor weather we have. Want to know what actually makes our winters even worse? The simple fact that the season runs from early as November all the way up until near May in many cases. Now, I understand that many people enjoy the luxury of having all four seasons. Studies has even shown that living in a State that has four seasons balances brain fluid. Well, the states that some of my friends live in such as; Southern California, South Florida and Arizona doesn?t have a traditional winter. I?m sure there is slight changes, in terms of climates. However, the scenery usually stays the same all year round in those particular regions not excluding rain.



    However, I feel the winters could possibly be a little more acceptable and tolerable in Michigan if our cities transportation was persistent and flexible as the East coast regions. Yes, New York have crucial winters, however, you are not subjected to just one form of transportation such as; buses and vehicles. In which, in Michigan we have limited public transportation which is city busses only. Due to bad weather, the busses are at times delayed and is not dependable. In places like NYC, the subway trains, and transit trains are reliable, due to the fact that the snow storms doesn?t affect these forms of transportation abilities. Meaning, that when there?s 12 inches of snow, you don?t have to worry about slipping and sliding and getting stuck in snow piles because your car is a 2 wheel drive. You don?t have to fear the chance of a car accident due to the icy roads. All that's required is that you bundle up, including warm coat, scarf, gloves(mittens) hat and snow boots and off to your nearest train.
     
  2. Zwielicht

    Zwielicht Moderator Staff Member Moderator Jr. VIP

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2013
    Messages:
    7,735
    Likes Received:
    13,905
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Death
    Location:
    Riverside, California
    Home Page:
    Hello, LuckyGaines23 and welcome to Black Hat World! Below, I've listed some corrections and modifications to make your article sound a bit better.


    • I felt that it was too short and doesn't convince me to move out of Michigan.
    • "Young individual" sounds unnatural. You should try using "Young adult" instead.
    • The post title (The reason why you should move out of Michigan) tells the audience that there is a single reason, yet you provide multiple reasons in the same article.
    • I, chuckle with distress. (take out the comma after "I").
    • "Well, the states that some of my friends live in such as; Southern California, South Florida and Arizona doesn't have a traditional winter", should be, "Well, the states that some of my friends live in such as: Southern California, South Florida and Arizona do not have a traditional winter", or maybe, "Well, my friends live in states that do not have traditional weather such as: Southern California, South Florida and Arizona".
    • Regardless, I'm sure there is (are) slight changes, (remove the comma) in terms of climates.
    • "...if our cities transportation was (were) as persistent and flexible as the East coast regions."
    • Yes, New York have crucial (has harsh) winters, however, you are not subjected to just one form (required to tolerate the weather in just a few forms) of transportation such as; buses and vehicles.
    • In which, in Michigan we have (In Michigan, we have...) limited transportation which is city busses only (remove)
    • Due to the bad weather, the busses are, at times, delayed and is are not dependable. In places like NYC, the subway trains, (remove) and transit trains are reliable, due to the fact that the snow storms doesn't (do not) affect these forms of transportation abilities (remove). Meaning, that when there's 12 inches of snow, you don't have to worry about slipping, and (remove) sliding, and getting stuck in snow piles because your car is a 2 wheel drive. You also don't have to fear the chance of a car accident due to the icy roads. All that's required is that you bundle up,; wear a warm coat, scarf, gloves (or mittens) hat and snow boots and go off to your nearest train.

    Other than what I've listed above, the article seemed pretty informative and I'm certain that someone from Michigan would be able to related to it. :)
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 5
  3. spectrejoe

    spectrejoe Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2013
    Messages:
    2,105
    Likes Received:
    440
    Home Page:
    Feel free to offer some free articles around as I'm sure some people would be happy to have you write a article for them *heh yanomsayin*

    no but for real


    I found it alright, it could be reworded a bit better but only practice makes perfect, try looking for popular articles from authoritative domains and see how they write and try to find out why those articles are so good at engaging their audience then just try to mimick the techniques used with the different topics you'll be writing about.


    Also try to make the articles bigger
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  4. LuckyGaines23

    LuckyGaines23 Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2015
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Thank you, Zwielicht

    I appreciate the time you took out to really point out of my error. I know my punctuation is not on an expert level. I'm actually taking a course to tighten up and strengthen my punctuation. Also, there are a lot of words that you suggested I substitute that I use to try to keep it professional sounding, if that makes sense lol. However, now that you point them out, I could have been more personal and more natural with my choice of words.

    However, I appreciate your feedback so much it helps a lot. Thank you.
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  5. LuckyGaines23

    LuckyGaines23 Newbie

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2015
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Got ya. I will definitely take a stroll through some articles. I will be spending all day tomorrow practicing. Thank you so much for the input
     
  6. Zwielicht

    Zwielicht Moderator Staff Member Moderator Jr. VIP

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2013
    Messages:
    7,735
    Likes Received:
    13,905
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Death
    Location:
    Riverside, California
    Home Page:
    Hey, that's great that you're taking courses to improve your skills! I actually suggested changing those words because I figured that your article would sound more natural to your target audience (something you've noticed already). You can always use the vocabulary that you believe would appeal more to your target audience since you would understand your own target audience better than me.

    Good luck with your writing in the future! :)
     
  7. srb888

    srb888 Elite Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2008
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    5,083
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    WebzSurfer
    Location:
    Sun, Mon, Tue, WTF, Sat!!! :)
    Chief errors: Semi-colon usage and singular-plural confusion. Those are your chief weak points imho.

    Second: Try to move ahead as you go along! :) Your article gets stuck down, and that loses the reader's interest in wanting to know what you are trying to say. The reader should be made to read at least the first 1/3rd of your article and by then, his mind should be made to take over your job of making him read further! In your article, it is not happening, at least in my case. Sorry! This journey began on an eager note, but within a few moments, the mind got disenchanted, to put it in really milder term, chiefly because of those ineliminable errors...

    Try again though, and keep trying. The winners are those people who never stop practicing until they become perfect, and then they practice some more to keep them stay at the top! :)

    Also:
    If practice still does not make you perfect, it will at least reduce your imperfection.

    GL!


    P.S.:
    You can skip or substitute some of the words in the article, but only if it makes reading more interesting and is moving along nicely, and also when the grammar, otherwise, is almost or near perfect. That stage will come later on, I believe, in your case if you keep practicing the art of perfection.

    P.P.S.:
    Example:
    Do not place a period-mark at the end of the Title. If you do, some people may stop reading your article right at that period. Period! :)

    There, you can try using initial-caps if you like. It is preferable too! For example:

    The Reason Why You Should Move Out of Michigan
    or:
    The Reason Why You Should Move Out Of Michigan

    Read more:
    http://blog.apastyle.org/apastyle/2012/03/title-case-and-sentence-case-capitalization-in-apa-style.html

    E.g.: See how the author uses the initial-caps in the Title:

    Title Case and Sentence Case Capitalization in APA Style


    In another article on the same site:
    Punctuation Junction: Periods, Exclamation Points, and Question Marks

    Better to study that site:

    http://blog.apastyle.org/
    http://www.apastyle.org/
    http://www.apastyle.org/learn/tutorials/basics-tutorial.aspx

    HTH

    :)
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2015
  8. sohoapt

    sohoapt Newbie

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2012
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    1
    I think you're off to a good start. I would try to personalize it more and use specific examples from your life.
     
  9. imforay

    imforay Newbie

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2014
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    2
    I'm happy that you are actively seeking feedback to get better, that's the 1st step. Make sure you also action the feedback. It is great that you are looking at courses to improve.

    So, in addition to the excellent suggestions you have already received:

    1. Your paragraphs are too long. It looks like a big block of text and that can be intimidating to a reader. Keep paragraphs short and natural. Think of paragraphs as little chucks of dialogue you are having with the reader.

    2. "I learned that scenery has so much impact on our state of mind and state of emotions. I am not here to bash Michigan." - incomplete and disjointed thought process. Sentence 2 doesn't flow naturally from sentence 1. When you are writing something, you already know what you want to say, the reader doesn't.

    3. "First being the weather:" - This cannot stand alone as a point. It sounds like a continuation of an earlier thought. Something like "There are many reasons to hate xyz, first being the annoying star cast."

    4. "Where there are four active seasons all year round, with long lasting snow filled winters with 10 degrees minus the wind chill." 4 active seasons all year round would mean that all 4 seasons (being active) happen at the same time. Also, 10 degrees minus the wind chill - I'm assuming you meant minus 10 degrees and chilly winds. I'll re-write the piece something like this: "Being born and raised in Southern Michigan I'm no stranger to long snow filled winters where the temperature often drops below 10 degrees......"

    5. "still have not accepted the poor weather we have" - We don't get accept weather we get used to it - "....and I'm still not used to this poor weather"

    6. "Due to bad weather, the busses are at times delayed and is not dependable." - A bus/s cannot be dependable or otherwise, the bus service is either dependable or not. "...Due to the bad weather, buses are often delayed and the service is not dependable"

    7. " from early as November " - "from as early as November..."

    8 . "up until near May" - Use either up until or till with a month. Near + month is incorrect form. So, "up until May"

    9. "Now, I understand that many people enjoy the luxury of having all four seasons." When writing, 'Now, I understand', is often followed with a contrary argument. Like, "Now, I understand you like her but she is a real b**ch" however you want to say that 4 seasons is a good thing, hence the "Now, I understand" bit is a little out of place.

    10. "However, I feel the winters could possibly be a little.." - Disjointed continuation, you are talking about similar weather all year round in other states right before this sentence. 'However' is always used to highlight a solution or a contrary point. "I cant do that for you, however..." So make sure you are continuing a point with 'however'. "Being in Michigan during winters is terrible, what would make it better however ...."

    11. "Yes, New York have crucial winters" - Crucial means very important or critical, so a winter technically cannot be crucial. Also, read up on has/have, they are both possessive verbs but their subject verb agreement application is different and while you are at it read up on singular and plural applications.

    Best of luck
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1