Please critique my wtiting

Doobspelon

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25th October 2019

This was an interesting day, to say the least. In the early morning, the meter changing guy came home. We were trying to change the meter for our tenant for long, but the department wasn’t listening to us at all. They were actually blaming us for the problem. So I went there again and again and again. And, eventually they capitulated although with a 150 rupee note in their pocket. After that, I waited maybe watched some videos, maybe wasted a lot of time and went to the ICICI bank office in the late noon close to the closing time of 4 pm. I parked my vehicle in the usual place where everyone was parking and went away to the bank. The bank staff was overwhelmed by the crowd. They weren’t listening to me at all. I waited for long and then complained to one staff member who asked me to wait for some more time after which he will personally talk to the respective members of the bank. In the end, he also said that as the staff has no time for me, I should visit some other day. I took a photo but never knew that would be my last on that phone.

Anyways, I went outside and to my shock my bike wasn’t there. I asked around and a street vendor told me that the police could have taken it. The station was about half a mile away, so I decided to walk. After asking around a lot, I finally reached the place. Two policemen were talking to each other and gossiping. They had big mustaches, and I was terrified. They could ridicule me, shame me or worse fat shame me in front of all their staff. “Why did you park there,” “what was the reason,” etc., etc. No such thing ever happened. I told them my bike was taken by their tow truck, and they asked me for papers. I told them I only had the driving license to which they agreed but only after I pay 300 rupees. To pretend that it wasn’t a bribe, they told me that internet was down today so they can’t give me the receipt. But, I can look in the register where my name and license was duly placed, they said. The other policeman told me that I am lucky; they don’t let people leave without 500, but as I don’t have a job they are doing mercy on me—all fine and dandy after all. I got my bike and went to the wholesale market to buy groceries.

Diwali, the Indian Christmas, was just in two days and so the markets were all glimmers and sunshine. I took my stuff and called my mother before leaving for home. After reaching home I was quite tired. I took out my phone to check how many steps I walked today inadvertently. But, there was no phone at all. I looked everywhere but to no avail. I was shocked and depressed at the same time. I never wanted to have extra costs and even more than that some of my files weren’t backed up. All gone now! I went back to look on the streets, the places from where I drove through but It was clear in my mind that I wasn’t getting it back anyhow. I had no idea where it fell off from my pocket so I asked a policeman whom I met while driving to the wholesale market place and he told me that I could register a complaint anywhere. I just have to say that the phone fell near their station. With that in mind, I went to the place but it was quite late and the station was abandoned except 2 or 3 kooky looking cops sitting out of which one was male. I told the lad about my problem and he said I need to come to the corner where he will tell me how exactly I can do this thing properly. In the corner side, he told me to come tomorrow and he will help me with everything. The insinuation was that I have to pay him a little to register the complaint. I was fine with that. Why would I want to waste more of my time? I went back still depressed but with a light of hope.

======================

All suggestions are welcomed.
 
Hello @Doobspelon,

Are you Indian (I am asking as you mention 150 rupee note)? You guys have 150 notes, amazing!

So this writing is decent, but to be honest it does not sound 100% native (UK or US), for example:
I walked today inadvertently
not sure if the adverb "inadvertently" is used correctly in this context, or very unusual usage.

Or I had no idea where it fell off from my pocket
heavy wording.

Do you use grammarly or similar tools? this could help make it better, but it is overall quite good.
 
Decent stuff man, new service coming up soon. Reserve a copy for me lol
 
Decent stuff man, new service coming up soon. Reserve a copy for me lol
No! Just wanted to grab some ideas from BHW members for improvement. I don't write for others. I just wanted to have an idea of how balanced my writing was. Since there was no Reddit thread, I came here.
 
Make the paragraphs shorter, write a longer phrase(not too long) to avoid the " , . ", and makes it easier on the eye.
 
Yes, I am building two sites and I am hooked to improve myself 1% every day. Atomic habits FTW :)
In that case...
  • Write much shorter paragraphs
  • Avoid complicated words - Although, the readability score was 5 so, you´re good there.
  • Make use of bucket brigades - Normally this should be the first phrase on your blog post
  • Add an intro
I know this is NOT the case here but, when you´re actually writing for a blog, make sure to add as many visual elements as possible. Your main goal should be to make it "scannable" as well as readable.

What visual elements can you use?
  • Bullet points and lists
  • Bold and italic key phrases on the body
  • Subheadings
  • Boxes - Tips, summary, quotation, stats, etc.
  • Tables - Comparison, pros and cons.
  • Screenshots - Try to customize them with arrows, circles, and other graphical elements.
  • High-quality images
  • Any other you can think off
Hope this helps,

Cheers!!
 
In that case...
  • Write much shorter paragraphs
  • Avoid complicated words - Although, the readability score was 5 so, you´re good there.
  • Make use of bucket brigades - Normally this should be the first phrase on your blog post
  • Add an intro
I know this is NOT the case here but, when you´re actually writing for a blog, make sure to add as many visual elements as possible. Your main goal should be to make it "scannable" as well as readable.

What visual elements can you use?
  • Bullet points and lists
  • Bold and italic key phrases on the body
  • Subheadings
  • Boxes - Tips, summary, quotation, stats, etc.
  • Tables - Comparison, pros and cons.
  • Screenshots - Try to customize them with arrows, circles, and other graphical elements.
  • High-quality images
  • Any other you can think off
Hope this helps,

Cheers!!
Yeah, thanks for all the help. These paragraphs are from my dairy and these will not be published online. I just wanted to know what I could improve and here, you have helped a lot. On the site, I do include lists, images, and other elements.
 
Diwali, the Indian Christmas, was just in two days and so the markets were all glimmers and sunshine. I took my stuff and called my mother before leaving for home. After reaching home I was quite tired. I took out my phone to check how many steps I walked today inadvertently. But, there was no phone at all. I looked everywhere but to no avail. I was shocked and depressed at the same time. I never wanted to have extra costs and even more than that some of my files weren’t backed up. All gone now! I went back to look on the streets, the places from where I drove through but It was clear in my mind that I wasn’t getting it back anyhow. I had no idea where it fell off from my pocket so I asked a policeman whom I met while driving to the wholesale market place and he told me that I could register a complaint anywhere. I just have to say that the phone fell near their station. With that in mind, I went to the place but it was quite late and the station was abandoned except 2 or 3 kooky looking cops sitting out of which one was male. I told the lad about my problem and he said I need to come to the corner where he will tell me how exactly I can do this thing properly. In the corner side, he told me to come tomorrow and he will help me with everything. The insinuation was that I have to pay him a little to register the complaint. I was fine with that. Why would I want to waste more of my time? I went back still depressed but with a light of hope.

I could see the writer is not a native English writer. In this huge paragraph alone (295 words), you used the "I" 20 times! all what I could read is I and I and I , my eyes got crossed, LOL. You are using a passive voice, check Hemingway app. See attached screenshot showing part of your writing. You need to shorten your paragraphs, leave a line space between them or whatever it needed to make your writing enjoyable.
Screenshot 2020-07-10 16.44.14.png
 
Not bad, but you need to use the more forms of the literature specialiaties. In this reason, if you want to show how to make your content in the good form, so I hope that will be really helpful for you.
 
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