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Jokes anyone? [NSFW]

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by hdaackda, Jul 15, 2015.

  1. hdaackda

    hdaackda Registered Member

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    Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!" "It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!" "Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"

    ---------

    Old but gold... Man buys a Lie detector Robot

    The man decided to try it out at dinner.
    Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?
    Son: At school.
    The robot slaps the son.
    Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.
    Dad: Which one?
    Son: Kung Fu Panda
    The robot slaps the son again.
    Son: Ok! It was a porno.
    Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.
    The robot slaps the dad.
    Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!
    The robot slaps the mom.

    -------------------------------

    Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
    The first guy says: ?I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.?
    The second guy says: ?Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.?
    The third guy says: ?Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.?
    The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: ?What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?? One of the three said: ?We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son??
    The fourth man replied: ?My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.?
    The three friends said: ?What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.?
    The fourth man replied: ?No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends??
     
  2. Neon

    Neon Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Once upon a time there was a great IMer called CEOsam.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2015
  3. Asif WILSON Khan

    Asif WILSON Khan Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    At least the 3rd time that old chestnut has been shared here:
    http://www.blackhatworld.com/blackhat-seo/blackhat-lounge/617103-lie-detector-robot.html
    http://www.blackhatworld.com/blackhat-seo/blackhat-lounge/687086-share-something-funny.html
     
  4. Zwielicht

    Zwielicht Moderator Staff Member Moderator Jr. VIP

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    [​IMG]
     
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  5. Capo Dei Capi

    Capo Dei Capi BANNED BANNED

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    I was standing at a bar in the pub when I overheard this conversation between two blokes:

    "Do you know what? I could have sex with any woman in this pub."

    "Oh yeah? How's that then?"

    "I'm a rapist"
     
  6. Hawkster

    Hawkster Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Not new but i liked this one.


    Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

    The Lord spoke unto them saying, ?I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie?.Hell is waiting for you.

    To the first man the Lord asked, ?How many times did you cheat on your wife?? The first man replied, ?Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.? The Lord replied, ?Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

    To the second man the Lord asked, ?How many times did you cheat on your wife?? The second man replied, ?Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.? The Lord replied, ?I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

    To the third man the Lord asked, ?So, how many times did y ou cheat on your wife?? The third man replied, ?Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.? The Lord replied, ?I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

    A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. ?Why are you crying?? the two men asked. ?You got the mansion and limo!? The first man replied, ?I m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!?
     
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  7. ghat6

    ghat6 Junior Member

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    Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
    "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
     
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  8. HoneyHelper

    HoneyHelper Supreme Member

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    "What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it? "

    :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
     
  9. Neon

    Neon Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Made my day hahahahahaha :D :D :D nice one
     
  10. snarky

    snarky Junior Member

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    Q: If the eagle is the bird that represents patriotism and courage, and the vulture is the bird to represent death and scavenging, what it the bird that represents love?

    A: The swallow
     
  11. Rank 360

    Rank 360 Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Yes. :D


    [​IMG]


     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2015
  12. MotivatedNewbie

    MotivatedNewbie BANNED BANNED

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    I expected the jokes to continue...