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Friday Joke

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by c0nan, Jun 10, 2011.

  1. c0nan

    c0nan Junior Member

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    Occupation:
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    Teacher: Tomorrow is a big test and no one will be excused...

    Johny: But what if I am suffering from total Sexual Fatigue?

    Teacher: Then you can write the test with your other hand...
     
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  2. saifi2649

    saifi2649 Power Member

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    in my gf`s heart :D
    One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

    She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.

    'What's that?' he asked.

    She explained to him what sex was and he said 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'

    'Tarzan, you have it all wrong,' she says horrified, 'but I will show you how to do it properly.'

    She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

    'Here,' she said, 'You must put it in here.'

    Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

    Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'

    'Just checking for bees,' said Tarzan.
     
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  3. c0nan

    c0nan Junior Member

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    The 1st Affair:

    A married man was having an affair
    with his secretary.

    One day they went to her place
    and made love all afternoon.

    Exhausted, they fell asleep
    and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed
    and told his lover to take his shoes
    outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

    He put on his shoes and drove home.

    'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

    'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

    'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
    We had sex all afternoon.'

    She looked down at his shoes and said:

    'You lying bastard!
    You've been playing golf!'


    The 2nd Affair:

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
    but always talked about having a son.

    They decided to try one last time
    for the son they always wanted.

    The wife got pregnant
    and delivered a healthy baby boy.

    The joyful father rushed to the nursery
    to see his new son.

    He was horrified at the ugliest child
    he had ever seen.

    He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
    be the father of this baby.
    Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
    Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
    'No, not this time!'


    The 3rd Affair:

    A mortician was working late one night.

    He examined the body of a man called Christo
    about to be cremated,
    and made a startling discovery.
    Christo had the largest private part
    he had ever seen!

    'I'm sorry Mr. Christo,' the mortician
    commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
    with such an impressive private part.
    It must be saved for posterity.'

    So, he removed it,
    stuffed it into his briefcase,
    and took it home.

    'I have something to show
    you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
    opening his briefcase.

    'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
    'Christo is dead!'


    The 4th Affair:

    A woman was in bed with her lover
    when she heard her husband
    opening the front door.

    'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

    She rubbed baby oil all over him,
    then dusted him with talcum powder.

    'Don't move until I tell you,'
    she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

    'What's this?' the husband inquired
    as he entered the room.

    'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
    'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so
    so I got one for us, too.'

    No more was said,
    not even when they went to bed.

    Around 2 AM the husband got up,
    went to the kitchen and returned
    with a sandwich and a beer.

    'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
    I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
    and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


    The 5th Affair:

    A man walked into a cafe,
    went to the bar and ordered a beer.

    'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

    'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

    He glanced at the menu and asked:
    'How much for a nice juicy steak
    and a bottle of wine?'

    'A nickel,' the barman replied.

    'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
    'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

    The bartender replied:
    'Upstairs, with my wife.'

    The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
    with your wife?'

    The bartender replied:
    'The same thing I'm doing
    to his business down here.'


    The 6th Affair:

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

    He looked up and said weakly:
    'I have something I must confess.'

    'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

    'No,' he insisted,
    'I want to die in peace.
    I slept with your sister, your best friend,
    her best friend, and your mother!'

    'I know,' she replied.
    'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
     
  4. madara1234

    madara1234 Newbie

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    This one always cracks me up:

    A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

    Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

    As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

    Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

    As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

    Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

    He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."