Friday Joke Thread

Ok .. I know we're all on different time zones
but we're here right ...

Its 7pm here in the good old UK

I'm on a high cos i pulled off something that i didnt give much hope in

so yeah am buzzin ...

Pour yourself a drink and chill...



AND TELL A JOKE ...

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for
some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip
steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you
worried about the mad cow?" Nah, she can order
for herself."

 

This bloke is flying his hot air balloon over southern Ireland and he is completely lost. He looks down and sees a bloke fishing on a lake, so he shouts down, "hello, could you please tell me where I am?"
And Paddy shouts up, "you can't fool me, mister, you're in that fuckin' basket."

I'm half irish and half welsh
and i really luv scouse jokes

but someone else gotta tell one before I can give you another...

 

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a mountain stream above Ballymoney, when the farmer shouts " hi mucker dinnae drink thon wator, its ful o' muck cowse shite n pish. The man replies " my good man I am English, kindly speak the Queens English ! The farmer replies " use both hands old boy u get more water that way"

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

 

Got any bread?
No..
Got any bread?
No we haven't got any bread, ask me again and i'll nail your fuckin beak to the bar, you irritating little bastard...
Got any nails?
No!
Got any bread?

 

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

 

I was stood at the bus stop eating a cake and next to me was a old lady with a little yapping yorkshire terrier which kept staring up at me. I said to the old dear, "Do you mind if i throw him a bit?" "not at all" she replied. So i picked the little cunt up and chucked him over the fence...

 

Bear says to the rabbit "You have a problem with shit sticking to you fur?"
Rabbit says no
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

 

DigitalPoint

 

Yeah it's saturday already, sue me.


Theory & practice

A young man had recently been accepted into an university. After a few weeks of studying, the young lad asked his father whether he knew the meaning behind the saying: "In theory it's like this, but in practice it's like that" that he had heard in the university so often.

The father gave his son an assignment - to ask his sister if she'd be willing to have sex with a total stranger for a 100.000$.

The son returned from his assignment and reported: "She will, for that kind of money." The father told his son to ask the same from his mother, and he got the same answer.

Finally, the father asked from his son: "What about you; Would you have sex with a strange man for 100.000 dollars?" The son thinked for a moment, and then admitted that for that kind of money he'd do it as well.

"Well there you go", said the father. "In theory we'd have 300.000 dollars now, but in practice all we have is two whores and a faggot."

 

A man walks into a petshop and asks "can I have a wasp please?"
The shopkeeper tells him " We don't sell wasps."
Which he then replies " Well you've got one in the window."

A guy walks into a bar and asks " what's the quickest way to London?"
The barman asks "Are you walking or driving?"
To which the man replys "Driving."
So the barman retorts "Well that'll be the quickest way then!"

 

A man walks into a bar.....Ouch!

Two men walk into a bar.......you would of though one of them would have saw it

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA Can i have a review copy?


---

Seriously, best joke in this thread.

 

A young boy comes home from school one day, and on going to his room, he hears thumping and squeaking from his parents' room. He naively opens the door to see what is going on, and beholds his dad "giving it" to his mom rather vigorously. While his mom doesn't notice, his dad looks up to see him there, and gives him a big grin and a wink.
The next evening, dad comes home from work. He hears banging and squealing from his son's room. He opens the door to see what's happening, and the son is banging his own grandmother!
The son looks up to see his father standing there, and says, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

 

well i could'nt get my head round 'digitalpoint'
was it sarcasm or a joke
i'll go with your choice hiding

so in that sense

:hahaha: Manchester United

 

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

 

It's Saturday now but wth:

A lady goes to the pet store to buy a bird. She finds one she likes and asks the shopkeeper about it.
The shopkeeper cautions her, "ma'am this bird comes from a whorehouse so it might say some vulgar things".
The lady decides to purchase it anyway, and takes it home.
When they arrive, the bird says, "new house, new madam".
The lady is somewhat surprised at what the bird has said, but also amused.
A while later, the lady's daughters come home. The bird says, "new house, new madam, new whores".
Although slightly less amused this time, she and her daughters laugh about the birds statement after she explains the birds origin.
A while later, the lady's husband gets home. The bird says..."Hey Bob".

 

6ft 4in man in toilet looks to his left & sees a little man peeing out of a huge penis. He says "That's the biggest cock I've ever seen"
The other man says "Oh I'm a leprechan & we all have big ones"
Tall man says "Wish I had 1 like that"
Leprechan says "I'll grant ya that wish if ya let me screw ya 1st"
Man reluctantly agrees.
Leprechan humps away for ages, then asks "How old are ya?"
Man says "36"
"Imagine that, 36 & still believes in leprechans"