Follow Up Letter to a Campaign

FlightSchool

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So at this point in my journey, I have interested a few people once again in my 7878 method. Except this time, I have learned sales presentation and closing skills to use :)

My last campaign was for 8 targets roughly. 4 have said no, and 4 are interested (sort of )


2 of these 4, were targeted to the wrong person in the office (not my fault at all), but they said that I can talk to "xyz" because they are in charge of marketing.

Now the thing is, 1 of them said they sent the letter to the other person, and the other one I am not sure, and it's so hard to reach her. So I want to send a short follow up letter with a follow up picture showing brief benefits, with the objectives of:

1) Reminding them of the original letter that was forwarded to them by the previous person in the office that initially got it.

2) Give them a rough sketch what the service is that I am offering (7878 method) in case they did not get the first letter, and have them mindful about my service, for when I call.

So I created a follow up letter that needs revision, because I am not too good at copywriting. If anyone can look over it and give me some tips I'd appreciate it very much.

Dear [name],
In the last couple weeks, I contacted [name] regarding [business]'s online reviews. I?ll get to the point since I know you are busy and you might not have gotten the letter I sent [name].
There are over [number] people that search for [keyword] every month, and because you guys have multiple locations, a significant amount of those people are in your area. Your online reviews, whether Google or any other platform like Yelp, do not make you guys visible or appealing. Most of these negative reviews are generated by the bad apples, who only want to be heard, and give you guys an unfair rep. This hurts your search engine rankings and makes you guys look less desirable.
It is critical to capitalize on search engine marketing because, unlike billboards and ads on books or television, people who search for businesses online, are usually wanting to make a choice decision in that very moment. My startup company specializes in online ratings and search engine ranking, and we are trying to aware every business of the importance of reviews online. We offer a very unique service to local [city] businesses with the purest quality of service. I also offer free consultation and give free advice for you guys to take the simple steps to make a difference in the way your company is presented as well as rated online. My email is . Contact me today!
Best regards,

[name]
 
First of all don't advertise your company as a startup. No one wants to do business with financially unstable companies.
Secondly, "contact me today!" sounds like you are pushing them
 
First of all don't advertise your company as a startup. No one wants to do business with financially unstable companies.
Secondly, "contact me today!" sounds like you are pushing them

okay i'll take the advice but how come every single copywriter has a different opinion?

some say "contact me today"

some say "take action today"

i was viewing this old thread in this section and LITERALLY every single post had a different suggestion....
 
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