Escaped Convict

A man broke into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

CapMorgan said:

A man broke into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

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Gotta commit this one to memory. Damn funny.

hahahahahaha, okay i really laughed at this one!!

good joke bro!

That's funny!

Wait, wait, I got one:

I was walking along the other day and a streetwalker comes up to me and says, "I'll do anything for $50."

"Anything?" I ask.

"Yes, anything."

"Cool" I reply. "Paint my house."

-e-

I once waited for the last bus at the main station, around midnight, when I was approached by a prostitute. "How much ?", I asked just for fun. "$50 minimum", she said. "No, that is not enough, not even close", I replied.

Could not resist.

i'm actually laughing while typing this .. lol

That was nice.

Ahahaahahahahahhahahahah

hahahahaha, that was a good one

Now that's funny, emailing this to my gay boss right now.

def gonna have to remember this one lol - nice ending...

Ouch.... that would be a bad situation to be in.

Hahaha this one i will copy, nice one.

i heard all o fthese before!!

but you guys missed one:

a guy goes to his friend's house. he's not there but his friend's wife lets him in to wait, saying her husband will be back in 15 minutes. so they're both sitting in the living room making small talk. and then the guy says, 'hey brenda, i'll pay you $100 if you show me one of your titties."

at first she's taken aback but it's a $100, so she says what the heck, pulls down her blouse and shows him one of her titties. he nods appreciatively and counts out $100 and places it on the table. they talk about the television show. then the guy says, "hey brenda, I've still got a $100 here. how about you show me your other titty and i'll give you the $100."

she sighs. 'well alright,' she says. 'just make sure you keep this between us.' she pulls down her blouse and shows him her other titty. he pays the $100.

then he says, "well i can't wait any longer. i've gotta go now." gets up and leaves.

five minutes later the husband shows up.

the wife says, "your friend billy came by--"

"WELL," he says, "did he leave the $200 he owes me??!!"

That was a good one.

LOL! Too funny!!!

Alright one more old one but good one.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

I have also heard the mother in law used in place of the sister.

LOL!!!!! Now that was funny. The first one was plenty good but that last on was sheer hilarious!!! I hope you don't mind, but i'm stealin it!!! hahahahaha

oh that's a best one

Ok, I got one!

A cucumber, tomato, and a dick were all out one day talking. The tomato goes, "Man, my life sucks! When I get big, fat, and juicy I get throw into a pot with garlic and wine for a sauce." The cucumber says, "Ha! When, I get big, fat, and juicy I get peeled and then chopped up and thrown into a salad." The dick replies, "You think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy I get a bag rolled over my head. And then, I'm throw into this dark, wet, smelly room where I'm forced to do pushups until I throw up and lose consciousness."