Does My GP Sales Copy Suck?

Im looking for experienced GP's sales copy writers opinion. This is what i wrote basically. LMK if i need to take it in another direction. I know its kinda long but im trying to get them to see that contacting me for more info is in their best interest.








Hello,

As you may already know, the majority of people searching for a local service or product, now use the internet via their smart phone or computer.

Unfortunately you are no where to be seen. You have no chance to get their call.Im sure that you are advertizing somewhere but why not claim your share of these phone calls? We can't depend on people driving by our location and seeing a car that catches her eye.

The dominate search engine used is Google. Using "Googles keyword Tool" I found the most searched keyword phrase for Used cars is "Used Cars Atlanta" whichs gets an average of 5400 local searches per month. You really can't find more laser targeted customers than these keyword phrases that are targeted toward the people that are looking for a business like yours.

You may wish to target that keyword phrase and or keywords that are specific to your chosen area of specialties. Only the businesses that are seen can claim their fair share of those phone calls.

If you are not familiar with how "Google Places" works its like this. When someone types in a search that Google thinks is relevant to a local service or product, then "Google maps" display a map with all of these local businesses represented by a red dot.

There will be 7 highly sought after chosen businesses that will have a spot on the left in the organic search results. If your business is not here, you have no chance to receive that new client. But someone will and why not you? Also, when your "Google Places" is Optimized you also will be seen on the local business search Directories such as Yellowbook, Superpages, Merchant Circle, Judysbook etc...giving your business even more exposure.

"Google Places" originally was called "Google Local". And this is completely separate from your existing website if you have one. This is where your online search customer initially finds you and calls you directly or clicks on your link to go to your website.

The reason that you don't show up for any keyword searches is because Google doesn't think you are relevant enough to be noticed and ranked highly. Or at least not more important than all of the businesses that rank ahead of you now.

I can get you noticed, respected and ranked on the first page for any keyword(s). I have made this brief for you. If you can give me 10 minutes of your time, I will stop by and answer your questions and quickly be able to show you instead of just telling you.

I am just starting my business. I am starting out offering very attractive pricing just to prove that i will provide real value to your business. I am so confident that i will work strickly on a contingency basis.There is no risk for you. Call Me Now!

Sincerely,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's too long - make it short and straight to the point:

"I can make your phone ring twice as much as it does now with people living in [INSERT CITY] who are looking for [INSERT SERVICE] for an unbelievable low flat monthly rate..."

You get the idea. Good luck!

I agree with teenigenie

And when you get a response, then go into the details you put in your original post.

I understand what you guys are saying but... If i received your one liner, I wouldnt be motivated to contact you. Or if I did call you, Firstly, I would ask if you will back up your statement of making my phone ring twice as much or is that just a fluff statement? I think business people are used to getting contact from everybody selling something. Maybe im wrong but i tend to think i need to initially show him some benefit to calling me. Im struggling with getting a handle on this. Im sure everyone dont think like i do tho.

Bobster0007 said:

I understand what you guys are saying but... If i received your one liner, I wouldnt be motivated to contact you. Or if I did call you, Firstly, I would ask if you will back up your statement of making my phone ring twice as much or is that just a fluff statement? I think business people are used to getting contact from everybody selling something. Maybe im wrong but i tend to think i need to initially show him some benefit to calling me. Im struggling with getting a handle on this. Im sure everyone dont think like i do tho.

Click to expand...

Maybe that's why they are where they are and you are here asking. It works the way they are suggesting for sure.

Bobster0007 said:

I understand what you guys are saying but... If i received your one liner, I wouldnt be motivated to contact you. Or if I did call you, Firstly, I would ask if you will back up your statement of making my phone ring twice as much or is that just a fluff statement? I think business people are used to getting contact from everybody selling something. Maybe im wrong but i tend to think i need to initially show him some benefit to calling me. Im struggling with getting a handle on this. Im sure everyone dont think like i do tho.

Click to expand...

Your approach is more akin to phone calls instead of letters. However, if [more like when usually...] you need to leave a message for the business owner you need to revert back to something quick, straightforward and to the point...

Thanks for your input guys. I will try to get better.

Yaawwnnn!!! Bored! switched off before first paragraph ended.
A used car salesman would piss his pants laughing at you.
He don't care what google places used to be called or how it works.
He cares about how many potential buyers are viewing his cars.
I go with things like.
"Do you want 5400 car buyers viewing your vehicles
every month or shall I show them your competitors?
I've got the viewers if you have 5 minutes.
Call me. 000 000 0000."

When approaching clients speak in their language.