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Critique my writing

Discussion in 'Associated Content & Writing Articles' started by Bassosa, Dec 8, 2011.

  1. Bassosa

    Bassosa Newbie

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    Hi guys. New here.

    I'm considering writing articles but not sure if I've 'got it'.

    This is the plan:

    I will post a 400-500 word article based on a random subject picked by the first person to respond to my thread. Any subject will do.

    Following that, perhaps some of you would be happy to critique the article so I know where I stand. I will produce the piece within 48 hours of accepting the subject.

    If things work out I will be sure to repay my debt to the forum.

    A little about me:

    * Bachelor's degree in Marketing
    * Completed London School of Journalism's English Business Writing course
    * Live in Melbourne, Australia. Grew up in the US.
     
  2. 75INZ

    75INZ Regular Member

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    Molecular nanotechnology
     
  3. Bassosa

    Bassosa Newbie

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    Fire away boys!






    Achievements in molecular nanotechnology are coming through thick and fast. Just recently IBM announced a major scientific achievement. Their scientists at the Almaden Research Centre in San Jose California announced that for the first time atoms are proven to have the ability to store information. The official term: magnetic anisotropy. A breakthrough of epic proportions in this day and age where data storage is ever important and cloud computing is gathering momentum at a steady pace.
    What this means in practice? Imagine your Iphone boasting a capacity to store 3000 full length HD movies plus every audio track ever known to man. Not only that, expect storage carriers such as hard disks to literally miniaturize. This is the first time that molecular nanotechnology has found purpose in consumer goods. Most of the research being carried out in the field is strictly focussed on scientific use, science for the sake of science so to speak, exploring the boundaries. With IBM?s breakthrough comes the realization that nanotechnology can be big, very big and as a result the major US IT players are starting to take notice.
    For now, Sun Microsystems is leading the pack. Large investments made through sponsorships have given the Santa Clare based software company pole position in the race for making nanotech marketable. But it?s not just the big players, a small number of start up companies have entered the field as well. Zyvexx from Richardson, Texas has certainly made a splash since their humble beginnings in 1997. These smaller companies have proven to be very competitive and have lured the world?s top nanotechnologists to their laboratories. Ralph Merkle, by many regarded as a visionary in the field, recently switched sides and now leads Zyvexx?s push to create micromachined
    silicon structures with miniscule tip actuation. By many seen as the pinnacle of achievement, if they pull it off that is.
    Even though the pathway to fully understanding molecular nanotechnology is still being debated, the goal is clear to all: developing molecular nanotechnology so that it can be fully deployed. For this to happen, scientists need to be able to arrange molecules in patterns possible within the boundaries of physical law. This could be some years away and depends entirely on the willingness of the leaders in the field to fully cooperate and share results.
    Without that a miniature Ipod with every song know to man stored on it could be some years away.
     
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  4. 75INZ

    75INZ Regular Member

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    Very well written, reminds me of something that I'd read on a Gawker Media site, like Gizmodo or io9 or something.

    Well done.
     
  5. MMBlack

    MMBlack Junior Member

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    I found a couple of punctuation mistakes and incomplete sentences. Also, you might want to nix the outdated, sexist language. "Known to man"? (It's not 1950.) Otherwise, good! :)
     
  6. racyc

    racyc Newbie

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    Nice. I could see Wisegeek publishing that article. But I'm sure you realize it needs to be formatted much better for readability, as your first post is. :)

    Also I noticed the sentence: "What this means in practice?" With your credentials, I'm sure it's written properly, but for myself and other average Joes I think it would flow better as: "What does this mean in practice?" Whether I'm right or wrong, those words as a complete sentence kind of stopped me for an instant there. Not that your average Joe would be reading about nanotech in the first place.:noidea:

    I WAS going to say you mispelled "focussed", but I checked, and indeed, it is the preferred British spelling.:biggthump
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2011
  7. scully

    scully Junior Member

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    Your first paragraph should never have more than 50 words or the reader's eyes will glaze over and he will be gone forever. Always keep paragraphs short for the Internet reader - about 5 lines or less.

    Most articles on the Internet are written at right around 8th grade level unless it is a scholarly article.

    Most importantly, give your article some pizzazz. This is what separates you from the other writers.

    Come up with your title after you have completed the article. You will have more creative ideas.

    Adding a little SEO to the article is easy and very, very appreciated by your client.

    Charge a lot. Your client will respect you for it.

    I could go on all day with website content tips, but this is enough for now.

    All the best
     
  8. scully

    scully Junior Member

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    racyc, did you know that the word, "Misspell" is the most misspelled word in the English language? It isn't "mispell".

    I'm not the spelling police at all. I make that mistake myself all of the time. Don't we all? LOL
     
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  9. racyc

    racyc Newbie

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    i do now, lol!
     
  10. toptips44

    toptips44 Regular Member

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    I found the article didn't flow very well. It seemed like a bunch of sentences thrown together that didn't really fit together.

    The artickle should flow in the way a person would speak. You should write as if you are speaking with the reader.
     
  11. BlackHatCams

    BlackHatCams Junior Member

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    If you add pictures and videos in your articles it will increase the over all value. by the way, google panda likes pictures and videos :)