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Best Programming Jokes!

Discussion in 'General Programming Chat' started by DarkPixel, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. DarkPixel

    DarkPixel Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, ?Are you ill??
    The second byte replies, ?No, just feeling a bit off.?

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, ?Can I get you anything??
    ?Yeah,? reply the bytes. ?Make us a double.?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
    A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    How many programers dose it take to change a light bulb?
    None ? It?s a hardare problem
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
    Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don?t.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ?Knock, knock.?
    ?Who?s there??
    very long pause?.
    ?Java.?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.
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    Programming is like sex:
    One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, ?Can?t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!?
    To which the man replies, ?I am a programmer. We don?t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. ?I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.?
    The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, ?I?d want peace in the Middle East.?
    The genie responds, ?Gee, I don?t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.?
    The programmer then says, ?Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.?
    At which point the genie responds, ?Um, let me see that map again.?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.
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    Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It?s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ?I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag??
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, ?So what?ll it be??
    The first string says, ?I think I?ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu?
    ?Please excuse my friend,? the second string says, ?He isn?t null-terminated.?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     
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  2. jazzc

    jazzc Moderator Staff Member Moderator Jr. VIP

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    trololol :D
     
  3. olystyle

    olystyle Regular Member

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    Talking of java...
    Code:
    public synchronized void gangbang()
    {
        ....
    }
    
     
  4. qrazy

    qrazy Senior Member

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    LOL. These two are my favs.
     
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  5. powlow29

    powlow29 Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    Haha, I'm not a programmer but almost understand everything :)
     
  6. dannyvriens

    dannyvriens Registered Member

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    haha good jokes man :D
    Going to tell them to some of my friends.
     
  7. marusia

    marusia Senior Member

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    A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
    The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
     
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  8. davids355

    davids355 Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    ^^ funny:)
     
  9. Valefor

    Valefor BANNED BANNED

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    hmmm Cant understand :) but im happy because everyones laughing
     
  10. marusia

    marusia Senior Member

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    A SQL query walks up to two tables in a restaurant and asks: "Mind if I join you?"

    ---

    Q: How do developers create shaman spells?
    A: Using a hex editor.

    ---


    Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?
    A:Because he didn't get arrays.


    ---

    Q: What do cats and programmers have in common?
    A: When either one is unusually happy and excited, an appropriate question would be, "did you find a bug?"


    And my personal favorite:

    Q: What is the most used language in programming?
    A: Profanity.
     
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  11. madoctopus

    madoctopus Supreme Member

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    A JavaScript programer, a Java programmer and a C programmer go the the toilet. The JavaScript programmer does his thing and washes his hands thoroughly for about 5 minutes, with soap and a sponge. The Java programmer does his thing and goes to wash his hands thoroughly for 2 minutes with soap. The C programmer does his thing and heads to walk out without washing his hands. The other two say to him "hey, don't you wash your hands dude? wtf!". He replies "We, C programmers, learned not to pee on our own hands in the first place".
     
  12. madoctopus

    madoctopus Supreme Member

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    A mighty warrior heads deep in the dark woods of the evil witch, to save the beautiful princess. The witch summons a mighty dragon with 2 heads having huge mouths with long sharp teeth. The warrior battles with the dragon and after hours of struggle, he manages to cut both his heads. To his despair, 4 heads appear instead. He fights and struggles and after a few more hours he manages to cut the dragon's heads again. This time 16 heads, just as horrible, appear instead. He battles and battles and cuts those 16 heads too and to his exasperation 256 heads appear instead, the dragon now twirling a howling and being more ferocious than anything the warrior ever saw. Almost ready to give up and let himself killed, the warrior makes a final struggle and cuts all 256 heads of the dragon. The dragon dies. The warrior looks at the dragon's lifeless corpse and says on a condescending tone:

    "Lame 8-bit dragons... you die so easily when you overflow"
     
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  13. jazzc

    jazzc Moderator Staff Member Moderator Jr. VIP

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    hahaha :D:D
     
  14. cBeast

    cBeast Newbie

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    True story :D:D:D
     
  15. jazzc

    jazzc Moderator Staff Member Moderator Jr. VIP

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    hahaha :D:D:D ( it seems I 'll be saying this a lot in this thread :eek:)
     
  16. srb888

    srb888 Elite Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  17. madoctopus

    madoctopus Supreme Member

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    Linux jokes:

    Girl: We should go visit mom and dad today
    Boy: Kernel panic error...

    Code:
    joe@myhost:~ # passwd
    Enter new UNIX password: penis
    Error: Your password is to short
    
    What do hackers and Jesus have in common?
    Hackers could walk on water too, if only they had the source code to life.

    And a prank:
    Minimize all windows.
    Hit PrintScr on keyboard to take a screenshot.
    Set screenshot as desktop wallpaper.
    Right click on desktop and from 'View' menu choose option to hide all icons.
    Right click on taskbar, deselect 'lock taskbar' and drag it to the top and resize it so it is jst 1px. This step doesn't work on Windows7 :(

    Kept a guy busy for 45 minutes with that. Told him only when he started to boot from CD to reinstall windows.

    2nd Prank:
    Install a software that allows you to re-map keys. So for example you can remap 'A' for 'Z'. Think of words where changing a letter would yield something different.
    Example:
    p>d -> pick-dick

    For a programmer replace his '{' with a ')' :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2012
  18. srb888

    srb888 Elite Member

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    If your Pa is a shrewd(!!) programmer
    Then...
    You can be the son-in-law of Bill Gates and CEO of World Bank!


    How?


    :D >>>
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2012
  19. srb888

    srb888 Elite Member

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    sorry, duplicated post...
    in other words >>>

    duped by the programmer of this site! lol
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2012
  20. FlyingKalamari

    FlyingKalamari Newbie

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    Well this one is meant to poke a little fun at you programmers. :)

    There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the programmer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
     
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    Last edited: Dec 12, 2012