Best Christmas Joke

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right ****in here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a mother****in' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed ****in' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage. When he walked back in side with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."
 
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Egg_Yolk_by_Natacha_colmez.jpg


Sorry couldn't resist. Category dry humor.
This is a Christmas joke... get it? yolk...
 
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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life of course was perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they nocited someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to dissapoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along, delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived. Question: What was the survivor?
Read on to find the answer...






The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!
*Women: STOP READING HERE. This is the end of the joke.


*Men: read on to continue!







So, if there is no perfect man, and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
*Men: read on to continue



By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point...

WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!
 
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Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?





A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
 
[SIZE=+2]A MUST READ!

The Angel Atop The Tree Tradition[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+1]One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"

At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"

And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.[/SIZE]​
 
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10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren?t


  • 10. Did you get any under the tree?
  • 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
  • 8. Check out Rudolph?s Honker!
  • 7. Santa?s sack is really bulging.
  • 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
  • 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
  • 4. I love licking the end till it?s really sharp and pointy.
  • 3. From here you can?t tell if they?re artificial or real.
  • 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
  • 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.
 
a blond bimbo gets a carton of fresh orange juice for xmas but she is standing starring at it for ages....like 4 hours

her husband knew the gift would be welcome but getting annoyed he asks her why she's been starring at it for hours...


.



.


cause it says concentrate on it she replies


(now I know I only made it a xmas joke by adding the bit about being xmas)
 
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "Ho Ho Ho, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "Ho Ho Ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "Ho Ho Ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "Hey Hey Hey, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
 
jaerehan said:
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."

Santa replies, "Ho Ho Ho, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..."

Santa begins to sweat but replies, "Ho Ho Ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay."

Santa wipes his brow but replies, "Ho Ho Ho, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."

She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...."

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "Hey Hey Hey, Gotta stay, Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
Click to expand...

Ha Ha best one yet, the rhyming was the best.
 
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?

A: He was waiting for the snow blower.



'Twas the Night Before Christmas - Internet Style




'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's a surfing. Geeks? Yeah, you bet.​

The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. ​

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams.​

My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).​

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter. ​

To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!​

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.​

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.​

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! ​

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, My Mac called them by name:​

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel; "On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!​

"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip! Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!" ​

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM, Then into my room rose a full hologram!​

He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).​

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack. Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!​

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno! This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!​

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread. ​

He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.​

He defragged my hard drive, and added a SIMM, Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim! ​

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew! He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo! ​

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken, Then added a screen saver with a red clucking chicken!​

My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape.​

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.​

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!​

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the net with barely a blink.​

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, "Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

​
What?? Quit!!! It's relevant content.... Here is a good place for a 332x280 Adsense exit block..
 
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I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!
 
The 12 Girls of Tiger (sung to the 12 Days of Christmas, and not necessarily 100% accurate):

The 12 Girls of Tiger are counted down by me---

The 12th waits on tables,
11th is a porn star,
10th one's a model,
9th is a cougar,
8th, another porn star,
7th runs a clubhouse,
6th markets lounges,
one has FIVE STDS!!!
the 4th sells lingerie,
a 3rd digs gold,
the 2nd's lying low,
AND ONE NORSE WOMAN TRULY IS PEEVED!!!


P.S.: One more variation on the Tiger Xmas Joke:

Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods ?
A: Santa stops at 3 Hos
 
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Mine's not really a joke though it has some humor. It's a tribute to BHW. Hoping other members can see themselves in this tribute.:D

Twas the weeks before x-mas season,
and I'm peaking through BHW for a certain reason.
Threads with a wealth of info galore.
Keep clicking those links as there's more to explore.

Which method is best? Which one do I pick?
The way everyone talks, the method is sick!
Info overload here I go.
Can feel my poor brain expand to and fro.

Checkin' out the downloads to see what Wiz has in store.
He's been there and back, plus a few times more.
Lookin' at all the goodies.
Is almost enough to give you a woody.

Try to stay focused as I find my own way.
To bring in the cash for x-mas day.
Another thread and a method to click.
Oh hey! Did Harro change his pic?

And what to my tired eyes appear?
Another newbie making a post and crying,
"How do I make money? I'm so tired of trying!"
If only they didn't have the almighty search button fear.

Another day in my favorite forum.
Where else can you learn IM, AM, writing and whorin?
Where else can you go where members tell you straight away-
If your not gonna be true to the forum- them gtfo and have a nice day!

Thanks to all for a great place to be during all seasons.
Each and every member here has their reasons.
But for me there is no doubt.
BHW, I would not be without!


Happy Christmas to all and a prosperous-money cranking New Year!
 
Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of preasents for Christmas. He knew that god had a connection to the North Pole, and stood up and started to pray.
"God, i have been a child of perfection this year. I think i should get lots of preasents... no that won't work."
He got on his knees.
"God, I haven't been the best child since last December. I still deserve lots of preasents for my efforts... no that can't work either!"
He laid face flat on the floor.
"God, I have been a complete devil this year. But i can change, I promise! No, theres no way he beleive that!"
Johnny went to his last resort. He walked over to the modle of the stable that jesus was born in. Little Johnny reached in and pulled out the virgen mary. He went into his room, wrapped mary in a sock, and placed her in his drawer.
"God, if you ever want to see your mother again...
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What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowladies?

Snowballs...
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Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

Because the snowblower was coming down the block!
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Really long..... But really funny......

Its christmas at a normal family's home....
4 year old sister, mom, dad, 16 year old sister and 14 year old brother.
Moms in the kitchen stuffing the turkey. All of a sudden turkey falls off counter and mom goes "FUCK!"
Then little girl says "Mommy what does 'fuck' mean?"
Franticly mom says "ummm its just what i'm doing to the turkey =)"
"ok" says the little girl. then the little girl goes upstairs and sees dad shaving in the washroom. all of a sudden he cuts himself and goes "SHIT!"
Little girl says "daddy what does 'shit' mean?"
He answers quicky "ummmm, its just the white stuff on my face..."
"ok" says the little girl.
then she goes to her older sister's room and sees her on her cell phone
she says "........What?....... REALLY!?......THOSE BITCHES AND BASTARDS!!!!!!!" Then the little girl says "Melissa, what does 'bitches and bastards mean'?"
quickly her older sister answers "They're both just other words for people"
"ok" says the little girl. then she goes to her bro's room and sees him looking at a porno magazine..... she hears him say "Wow..... look at those tits and balls!" *drools*
then the little girl says "Tony, what does 'tits and balls' mean?"
quickly the older brother answers "ummmm..... they're just another word for scarfs and sweaters" he says just randomly thinking of them.
"ok" says the little girl. when all of a sudden the doorbell rings. The little girl opens the door and sees some friends of mom and dad.
she says to them "hello bitches and bastards! please hang your tits and balls on the rack. My Daddys in the washroom wiping the shit off his face and my Mommys in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
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One day a little boy was sitting on santas lap.
Santa puts his finger on the boy nose and says,"I bet you're name is (spells out) J I M M Y." Jimmys eyes lit up in excitement.
Santa puts his finger on Jimmys nose and says,"I bet you want a B I K E." Again Jimmy was surprised,then gets a wierd look on his face and says,"Santa, I bet you like G I R L S."Santa says "Yes,how do you know?"Jimmy says,"Cuz you're finger smells like P U S S Y."
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Child: Papa i saw santa in our home
Papa: Now don't tell me, you saw him in my bedroom......
 
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
 
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