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Best Amazon Review - Hilarious

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by cocococo, Sep 17, 2014.

  1. cocococo

    cocococo Senior Member

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  2. iamsolo

    iamsolo Power Member

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    He's very talanted. He started the review with gel and ended with ice cream. He even brought the religion into the gel review. Something like cow story i read in school.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2014
  3. Duffers5000

    Duffers5000 Elite Member

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    My favourite will always be the reviews for this product

    http://www.amazon.com/Passion-Natur...qid=1410975036&sr=8-1&keywords=50+gallon+lube

    lube.jpg

    My favourite is this one from Jerome Albertson.

    Slide Back Into the Game!, October 12, 2011
    By
    Jerome Albertson


    This review is from: Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon (Health and Beauty)
    I knew getting back in the "dating game" would be a challenge after being out of it for over 5 years. When I was released from Joliet, I had to learn all the new things "the dating crowd" was trying. I knew about scented candles and Luther Vandross CDs, and sure was glad to hear people still use them. But I had no idea that "lube" was so popular with the "romantics" out there. All it took was one stroll through the Walgreens personal hygiene aisle to prove I had to learn a new thing.

    "Where to start?", I wondered. I wanted something simple. However, all I saw in the stores were lubricants that were flavored with cinnamon and paprika, or designed to somehow "heat" your private parts. No way, Jose! (I experienced the "heat" thing personally once after an adventurous incident with a toaster. I'll stick with "room temperature" from now on, thank you very much.)

    Luckily, I found a plain, old-fashioned lubricant that would not make me smell like a dessert topping. And it came in this HUGE tub! No more awkward late-night Walgreens runs for me, once I could get my hands on this lubricant bin. Now, I admit the price tag was kinda hefty. But after selling the ol' Pontiac Sunfire and borrowing some cash from Aunt Gladys, I was "ready to place my order."

    The product only took a week to arrive, and got to my apartment just in time for my first real "date" since the gas station incident. You can bet I was nervous for this one. When I got off the bus to meet Carla in front of the Chili's, I just about had a heart attack! The only thing keeping me calm was knowing that I could not possibly run out of lube that night. I gave Carla a reassuring nod and smile, as if to say "Don't worry, Carla, I have plenty of lubricant for later."

    The dinner was great, and after knocking back a couple Mojo Mango Margaritas, we were ready to head back to my apartment. I winked and told Carla, "Let's SLIP on out of here," to see if she understood the lubricant lingo. I think she did. Throughout the bus ride back, I grinned and hummed Luther Vandross tunes to set the mood.

    When we got to my place, I already had a candle burning. It was by "Glade", which I think you pronounce like the singer Sade, because it is an exotic candle that smells just like real pine. After we got comfortable, I asked Carla if she could help me with the lube. She looked at me weird, and I couldn't tell if it was because she thought it was "too soon" or because I was pushing a mechanical lift to get the drum barrel out of the storage closet.

    So I "took the initiative", as women like men to do, and rolled the barrel out into the living room. "Ready to tap the keg?" I joked, and by "keg" I meant "55-gallon barrel of personal lubricant." She looked at me all shocked, and said "That's it, I'm out of here!" I asked why, since she didn't need to run to Walgreens for more lubricant - there was plenty right here. But she didn't answer, and got up to leave anyway. Then, as Carla was about to pass me and the barrel, she tripped on my dog Poochie and fell right into the lube barrel! The force of the impact downed the barrel and knocked its lid off, sending 55 gallons of water-based lubricant across my faux-hardwood floors.

    Carla was completely drenched, and her momentum slid her to the front door - which she somehow managed to pry open with a pair of oven mitts. The last thing I knew, "No-Fun Carla" was screaming profanities and sliding down three flights of steps. I didn't pay much attention because I was too busy trying to salvage the lube. I managed to get about half of it back into the barrel - the other half probably seeped into Mrs. Pulaski's unit below me. I never bothered to ask if she appreciated the free gift of lubricant.

    Anyway, despite my "user error", I was quite pleased with the product. These days it's hard to find 55 gallons of scent-free water-based lubricant, and you can find it right here at a discount rate! I had to give it only "4 Stars" because it didn't come with a lifting apparatus. I had to buy my own mechanical lift separately to haul the bin to my future "dates". So if you're ready for fun, "slide" on down to a high quality product at a bargain price!
     
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  4. ObjectiveC

    ObjectiveC Newbie

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    Might need to contract him out to write some of my amazon reviews
     
  5. archon10

    archon10 BANNED BANNED

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    lol amazon troll reviews.

    I still like Yahoo trolls better.

    [​IMG]
     
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  6. avi619

    avi619 Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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  7. iAdolph

    iAdolph Newbie

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    The thought had crossed my mind
     
  8. MRProfitHunter

    MRProfitHunter Newbie

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    LMFAO! You own this thread
     
  9. venetia

    venetia Newbie

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    These one star reviews are always good for a laugh
    http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Sugar-Free-Gummy-Bears/product-reviews/B008JELLCA/ref=cm_cr_dp_qt_hist_one?ie=UTF8&filterBy=addOneStar&showViewpoints=0
     
  10. darkz0rk

    darkz0rk Newbie

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    You guys need to check out the sugar-free haribo reviews. Literally the GOAT reviews.

    If you're thinking that all these people are lying in their reviews, think again. I doubted, oh I doubted so much. I ate about 40 of these little bastards just to see if it was all true. What happened to me next was truly gastrointestinal armageddon. It took about 3 hours for the demon bears to wake up inside me and launch their attack. Let me be clear about one thing. This is not your typical mudbutt, no. This is truly bear generated rocket fuel shooting out of your ass and propelling you off the throne. You will not sit for minutes at a time slowly cleansing your body of bear, you will evacuate your bowels instantaneously, and you will do it many, many times. The fury of the bears started around 9:30 at night. I am typing this review at 8:30 the next morning and my insides are still churning with full bear rage. The flatulent aftermath is just horrific. Im not just ripping farts, I am shredding them. You will shart. I guarantee it.

    Bottom line: do not eat the damn bears. You will be miserable. Heed the warnings.
     
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  11. Nekronomos

    Nekronomos Newbie

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    ha. that is great!
     
  12. snowman19

    snowman19 Junior Member

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    I'm literally laughing so hard that I'm crying...I thought this one was good when I came across it a few months ago: bolbafett.png
     
  13. salmanseo982

    salmanseo982 Regular Member

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    Bravoooo man your thinking is so different on 50 gal lub do not mind i have amazon store also can u suggest mi any unique product plz