Need Constructive Criticism On My Sales Idea/Letter

[ArcticPanda]

Hi guys, hope everyone is well.

I have been doing web design and online business services for the past 6 months or so.

I have been doing reasonably well. I study at university, and still manage to work as well, which is always good. The majority of my clients come via Fiverr, thanks to the new custom quote addition, I've been getting up to $1000 jobs via Fiverr, which I never would have thought was possible.

Currently, I've collated a list of 50 businesses in my city, which don't have a website listed on the local directory (therefore, assuming they don't have one at all), set them into groups of 5 business types (Builders, Dentists etc).

The plan is to send all 50 of these people/businesses a sales letter/Covering letter explaining what I can do for them, then adding an extra sheet, more specifically tailored for that business type which basically describes how having a website could benefit them, by showing them how many monthly searches there are in the local area for their business type.

I've written a basic letter for the 2nd page, and wanted to see what you guys thought. Any constructive criticism is greatly accepted.

​

I have completed some research on your behalf to find out how many people, per month, are searching for keywords and phrases related to your business, on Google. Just for a second, imagine that you have a website, and it appears on the first page of Google for any of the following keywords:

Joiners <City Name> ? 810 Searches per month
<City Name> Joinery ? 440 Searches
Joiners <Country> - 1,060 Searches

Put those numbers into a scenario quickly. Assuming your website is on page one of Google, you?ll get a decent percentage of the traffic that those Google searches are receiving. Now, obviously, you won?t get anything close to 100%, or probably even 50% for that matter (depending on where you rank). However, as a rough estimate, let?s say that 10% of the 810 people searching for ?Joiners in <City Name>? go to your website. That?s 81 people. Now, let?s say, only 10% of those visitors are converted into customers. Let?s make that 8 people.

How would your business be effected by gaining 8 customers per month for a small initial investment in a website?

Once again, if you have any interest in the service I am offering, then please feel free to get in contact with me at any of the following:

Mobile ? 07********* (If I don?t pick up, leave me a voicemail, I may be in a meeting)
Email ? admin@*******

I am happy to talk you through anything that you may be unsure about.




Regards,



PLEASE NOTE: I've removed some info to maintain privacy.

 

[catnipking]

I like it, very human and personable, although I don't get this search mention:
Joiners <Country> - 1,060 Searches
Who types the name of the Country they live in after the title of a local business? Not really sure what you mean by that but if you are trying to inflate the total number of potential searches by mentioning the search volume for a local businesses exact keyphrase nationally I think its a little transparent and conflicts with the honest trustworthy tone of your sales letter. Even people that don't know shit about the internet know they don't type a country name after a local business keyphrase - unless that's something they do in other countries, in the U.S. we certainly don't do that.

 

[Kikerinka]

The overall idea of the letter is very good, because you talk about THEM and THEIR PROFITS, not about you and your business. That's the right approach.
I also like that it is not too long and that you made some good math for them. Surely, some details could be improved, but all in all it's a good sales letter.
Then when you send it, make sure it looks as close to normal correspondence as possible. If it looks too much like a marketing letter (I mean from outside, envelope, etc.), half of them will not even open it.

 

[Trepanated]

That's a pretty good letter, particularly if you haven't written too many sales letters before.

You're not promising too much or making any grandiose claims. You've outlined a scenario and then led the customer towards drawing their own conclusion - the one you were aiming for too, which is subtle and very effective.

Sometimes the best person to sell your service to a customer is the customer himself - with the right prompts.

This is a great line - How would your business be effected by gaining 8 customers per month for a small initial investment in a website?

Although you should say affected, rather than effected.

I would end it differently though, perhaps something like:

I will give you a call on (insert day) to discuss our services in a little more detail, but if you have any questions in the meantime, please feel free to call me at any time on the number below.

I would also use yourname@***, rather than admin@*** - it's more personal.

 

[ArcticPanda]

The overall idea of the letter is very good, because you talk about THEM and THEIR PROFITS, not about you and your business. That's the right approach.
I also like that it is not too long and that you made some good math for them. Surely, some details could be improved, but all in all it's a good sales letter.
Then when you send it, make sure it looks as close to normal correspondence as possible. If it looks too much like a marketing letter (I mean from outside, envelope, etc.), half of them will not even open it.

How would you recommend making it look like "normal correspondence"?

 

[sweetdude]

Nice to see a student in the same boat as me being productive!

This may help check it out, pull some bits and bobs from here:

http://www.elite-strategies.com/downloads/elite strategies SEO cold calling script.pdf

Best of luck mate!

 

[Deleted member 755860]

stay in school!

 

[Retraction]

Hi guys, hope everyone is well.

I have been doing web design and online business services for the past 6 months or so.

I have been doing reasonably well. I study at university, and still manage to work as well, which is always good. The majority of my clients come via Fiverr, thanks to the new custom quote addition, I've been getting up to $1000 jobs via Fiverr, which I never would have thought was possible.

Currently, I've collated a list of 50 businesses in my city, which don't have a website listed on the local directory (therefore, assuming they don't have one at all), set them into groups of 5 business types (Builders, Dentists etc).

The plan is to send all 50 of these people/businesses a sales letter/Covering letter explaining what I can do for them, then adding an extra sheet, more specifically tailored for that business type which basically describes how having a website could benefit them, by showing them how many monthly searches there are in the local area for their business type.

I've written a basic letter for the 2nd page, and wanted to see what you guys thought. Any constructive criticism is greatly accepted.

​

I have completed some research on your behalf to find out how many people, per month, are searching for keywords and phrases related to your business, on Google. Just for a second, imagine that you have a website, and it appears on the first page of Google for any of the following keywords:

Joiners <City Name> - 810 Searches per month
<City Name> Joinery - 440 Searches
Joiners <Country> - 1,060 Searches

Put those numbers into a scenario quickly. Assuming your website is on page one of Google, you'll get a decent percentage of the traffic that those Google searches are receiving. Now, obviously, you won't get anything close to 100%, or probably even 50% for that matter (depending on where you rank). However, as a rough estimate, let's say that 10% of the 810 people searching for "Joiners in <City Name>" go to your website. That's 81 people. Now, let's say, only 10% of those visitors are converted into customers. Let's make that 8 people.

How would your business be effected by gaining 8 customers per month for a small initial investment in a website?

Once again, if you have any interest in the service I am offering, then please feel free to get in contact with me at any of the following:

Mobile - 07********* (If I don't pick up, leave me a voicemail, I may be in a meeting)
Email - admin@*******

I am happy to talk you through anything that you may be unsure about.




Regards,



PLEASE NOTE: I've removed some info to maintain privacy.

You have some grammar problems.

"...to your business on Google." I removed the comma

"...imagine that you have a website and..." removed the comma

"...How would your business be affected.." change effected to affected

Also for this part:

"or probably even 50% for that matter (depending on where you rank)" I would remove that. It's just extra words and that "rank" word, that is SEO jargon. A regular middle class person wouldn't understand that. I am not a sales person, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

 

[nameless7]

Not bad, but still no information about you, your experience and successful projects. So you haven't mentioned any strong reasons why they should choose you