Headline? Which is Better?

[planck]

Which headline should i use for my landing page?

First headline
Pricks Laughed at my ‘Man Boobs’ for Years. I Struggled with it throughout My Twenties Until An Insight From Swedish Scientists Helped Me Finally Crack the Code! Nobody Laughs at Me Anymore! My Pectoral Plates are Lean and Ripped!

Stick Around and I’ll Show You the Certified Technique to Transform ‘Bitch Tits’ into a Chiseled Chest of Lean Muscle


Second Headline
So, Everybody Laughs at Your Man Boobs, eh? You can Remain Stuck with those Bitch Tits or You can Unlock Your Chiseled Chest! The choice is Yours! Finally, Swedish Scientists have Discovered the Stunning Ingredient that Transforms Flabby Chests into Pectoral Plates of Lean Muscle.

Prepare to Get the Last Laugh!

See Landing Page

 

[pbl4845]

why don´t you A/B test them an see which works better?
I now with thrive plugins you can do it, but I´m sure there are millions other plugins to do the same

 

[planck]

why don´t you A/B test them an see which works better?
I now with thrive plugins you can do it, but I´m sure there are millions other plugins to do the same

A/B testing costs money... If i can by-pass that expenditure, I gladly will

 

[Elegante]

A/B testing costs money... If i can by-pass that expenditure, I gladly will

It's worth the investment. Here you will find opinions, not solid data you can rely on. Cheers

 

[planck]

It's worth the investment. Here you will find opinions, not solid data you can rely on. Cheers

You are assuming, I've got $1K lying around.
Well, I don't.

 

[Elegante]

You are assuming, I've got $1K lying around.
Well, I don't.

Even if you got 1k, don't bother spending it over an ebook about man boobs lol. I'm sure that an educated person like you will get plenty of opinions and useful data for free, good luck!

 

[Kingbluetwister]

Wow... I would think of a fresh one - who would click that's a better question.

 

[Wyzgy239]

Hard to choose, but I'm starting to feel self conscience about my man boobs !

 

[Wyzgy239]

There's a typo in your ad copy

YOU WILL BECOME OVERWEIGTH, IF YOU CONSUME MORE CALORIES THAN YOU BURN.

Also the comma isn't necessary

Just trying to help
Cheers!

 

[SocialManager]

My honest opinion is that they are both very bad. WAYYYYYYYYY too long to keep someones attention.

The headline should be under like 8 words. The rest of the information comes below for interested people after the headline caught them. Have you ever seen a headline this long in any advertising?

A headline is like:
Bitch Tits Suck. Trust me, I know.
Everyone Hates Man Boobs.
Your man boobs are ruining your life.
No woman wants a man with tits bigger than hers.
You wonder why women don't like you?
Bob had bitch tits, you don't have to.

 

[alexa_s]

Both are too long and salesy, the colors are too much too. I'd just go with "A swedish scientist cures manboobs through a simple hormone-balancing diet/pill/training program/whatever".

Generally, every element in a headline has to be clear and defined, "crack the code" and "insight" are way too vague.

I quickly skimmed through the whole page, it's fairly bad, contains many, many obvious grammar/syntax errors(likely hundreds), lots of sentences that are out of place and it doesn't flow nicely.

A good way of thinking about copywriting is that every 'good' sentence the visitor reads buys you his time to read the next one. You are breaking this flow with bad and useless sentences many many times, with things like:

Discipline Your Mind!
And this Could Be Yours!
Why Not?
You Just Have to Work and Earn it!

or

For the guys with two brain cells to rub together, a natural and reliable method is the way to go.

What?

You talk about the solution being testosterone/estrogen, which is too obvious, anyone who has googled his manboob problem knows this. You also focus on explaining the pain of man-boobs too much, when I think you should focus on explaining how easy your solution is and making it believable. If there was a pill on amazon with 9,000 positive reviews and it cured man-boobs, people would buy it. No need to explain how expensive surgery is, or how embarrassing man-boobs are on the bottle. Even if it costs $299 it would sell.

The bonus materials are out of place I think, especially the willpower thing..

 

[planck]

Even if you got 1k, don't bother spending it over an ebook about man boobs lol. I'm sure that an educated person like you will get plenty of opinions and useful data for free, good luck!

It is not an e-book. If you visit the sales page (link provided above) you'll see that it is a DVD i.e. a set of video demonstrations and some audio for motivation and discipline.
Product = Videos + Audio + e-book

There's a typo in your ad copy

YOU WILL BECOME OVERWEIGTH, IF YOU CONSUME MORE CALORIES THAN YOU BURN.

Also the comma isn't necessary

Just trying to help
Cheers!

Where did approximately did you find that typo? My word spell checker can't find it.

My honest opinion is that they are both very bad. WAYYYYYYYYY too long to keep someones attention.

The headline should be under like 8 words. The rest of the information comes below for interested people after the headline caught them. Have you ever seen a headline this long in any advertising?

A headline is like:
Bitch Tits Suck. Trust me, I know.
Everyone Hates Man Boobs.
Your man boobs are ruining your life.
No woman wants a man with tits bigger than hers.
You wonder why women don't like you?
Bob had bitch tits, you don't have to.

Thanks for you input.
However, I might as well inform you that long headlines totally work.
Look at this product ==> http://www.unlockmyhips.com/?hop=0

Under clickbank 'gravity' this product is #6 best seller.
Notice how long the headline is.

Both are too long and salesy, the colors are too much too. I'd just go with "A swedish scientist cures manboobs through a simple hormone-balancing diet/pill/training program/whatever".

Generally, every element in a headline has to be clear and defined, "crack the code" and "insight" are way too vague.

I quickly skimmed through the whole page, it's fairly bad, contains many, many obvious grammar/syntax errors(likely hundreds), lots of sentences that are out of place and it doesn't flow nicely.

A good way of thinking about copywriting is that every 'good' sentence the visitor reads buys you his time to read the next one. You are breaking this flow with bad and useless sentences many many times, with things like:

Discipline Your Mind!
And this Could Be Yours!
Why Not?
You Just Have to Work and Earn it!

or

For the guys with two brain cells to rub together, a natural and reliable method is the way to go.

What?

You talk about the solution being testosterone/estrogen, which is too obvious, anyone who has googled his manboob problem knows this. You also focus on explaining the pain of man-boobs too much, when I think you should focus on explaining how easy your solution is and making it believable. If there was a pill on amazon with 9,000 positive reviews and it cured man-boobs, people would buy it. No need to explain how expensive surgery is, or how embarrassing man-boobs are on the bottle. Even if it costs $299 it would sell.

The bonus materials are out of place I think, especially the willpower thing..

Thanks for the sincere input.
I am fully aware that it is not the best copy in the world. I penned it myself and i am not a professional.
Now that you have pointed out the whole

Discipline Your Mind!
And this Could Be Yours!
Why Not?
You Just Have to Work and Earn it!

I will definitely give it another look.

I think you are right about the testosterone solution. I did, indeed make it too obvious. I'll have to do a whole lot of re-editing.

 

[YoungArt]

OP that landing page is so fucking long with multiple products on it. Do u really think this will convert well ?

 

[rafark]

Both are too long, titles need to be shorter in order to prevent losing the user's attention.

 

[planck]

OP that landing page is so fucking long with multiple products on it. Do u really think this will convert well ?

Long copy will always out-sell short copy.
From the mouth of Advertising Legend himself - David Ogilvy

Both are too long, titles need to be shorter in order to prevent losing the user's attention.

Thanks for your input.
If a prospect has a 'man boobs' problem, he will read the headline.
If he does not, he'll bounce off the page...and that's not the guy I am trying to sell to anyway.

 

[mcdollof]

I think they kinda suck both, no offence. The first one is better in my opinion (as in I'd click that, if I did't have so much testosterone in my blood that my pecs look like two stone slabs)

 

[Morteza]

the second headline is more interesting.

 

[wayne1977]

Headline is far to long and all the color text plus the text that been typing automatically makes my head spin. Plus your landing page is far to long. To many products. Focus on one specific product before moving on to the next.

 

[davids355]

Overall, I prefer the second one - I think it looks better on the page as well, the length or it, colour and word spacing looks better. I was also going to say the title was way too long, but when I see it onthe landing page I actually think it looks good - the colours also make it stand out and easy to read.

 

[planck]

I think they kinda suck both, no offence. The first one is better in my opinion (as in I'd click that, if I did't have so much testosterone in my blood that my pecs look like two stone slabs)

No offence taken.
Thanks for your input.

the second headline is more interesting.

Noted.

Headline is far to long and all the color text plus the text that been typing automatically makes my head spin. Plus your landing page is far to long. To many products. Focus on one specific product before moving on to the next.

Thanks for the critique but I think, I’ll maintain the Headline length.
If a guy has insecurities about his ‘man boobs’ and is actively looking for a solution, he’ll definitely read the headline.

This is not a news headline. It is not a newspaper caption, written with the intention of attraction the attention of any random passer-by.
I am only interested in captivating the attention of people looking for a solution for their ‘man boobs’ problem.

The rainbow salad of colours prevents readers from getting bored. It is a technique that is being used by the top selling “written sales letters” on clickbank marketplace.
Verify for yourself:
http://www.unlockmyhips.com/?hop=0 ranked #6 by clickbank gravity
https://trafficivy.com/start/?hop=0 ranked #11 by clickbank gravity
https://28dayketo.com/ ranked #13 by clickbank gravity

For the length of copy, see the video of David Ogilvy above. Long copy always out-sells short copy. This is the basics of written copy. You should know this.

About the number of products:
It might seem that there are many products, but actually there is only one product. The others are bonuses.
Of course, I have one upsell, but that’s in the back-end.

Overall, I prefer the second one - I think it looks better on the page as well, the length or it, colour and word spacing looks better. I was also going to say the title was way too long, but when I see it onthe landing page I actually think it looks good - the colours also make it stand out and easy to read.

The multiple colours is my personal twist straight from “Cashvertising by Drew Whitman’ page 115

See Excerpt below:
Results: All capital letters slowed reading—no surprise there—but he struck no gold with his eyelid-driven “blinky-blink” hypothesis. But why do all caps slow reading? Because the eye recognizes by outline.
Try this test: Draw a line around the following two words: ADVERTISING POWER, allowing your pen to touch the tops and bottoms of each letter. The resultant shape is a rectangle, with even sides all around.
Now draw a line around the following two words set in initial caps, again allowing your pen to touch the tops and bottoms of each letter: Advertising Power. Your pen rises and falls like a roller coaster as it goes over the capital letters and the ascenders and descenders of the other letters.
Results: More distinct and recognizable letters and words. This translates into easier and faster reading.


The use of multiple colours in the headline is not just a personal twist of mine. The top 'selling written sales' letters on clickbank all use multiple colours in their headlines.