Too long? Here's a summary: Fiverr Pro is HORSE SHIT.
I was on the Fiverr landing page to download one of my finished outsourced gigs when I noticed a banner for Fiverr Pro. I was curious so I clicked on through and was met with this:
"Connecting world-class talent with professional business buyers, for endless possibilities. Hand-vetted. High-end. On-demand."
Sounds like some word salad that leads nowhere. Let's check out some of the FAQ questions. Oh, almost all of them summarize to the same "
It's just like Fiverr, except we exclude the cheap fucks and jack the prices up so our commish blasts us in our own ass".
What are the benefits of becoming a Pro seller?
Fiverr Pro helps you take your talent to the next level, with a highly professional environment, serious business buyers and elite peers. We offer a hassle-free process, so you'll get paid easily and on time, every time. Our dedicated Success Managers will assist you in maximizing the platform, and if needed, Fiverr will resolve issues that might come up between Buyers and Sellers.
TL;DR: Highly professional environment/elite peers means the exact same page, but with a higher fucking price point and without the low-quality filler.
"Our dedicated Success Managers will assist you in maximizing the platform"... what? Maximizing the platform? What platform? Fiverr? Shouldn't it be optimizing the experience on the platform?
Oh, my favorite: "if needed, Fiverr will resolve issues that might come up between Buyers and Sellers". Which roughly translates to "
we will do our job if we decide we have to."
But that's not even my favorite part of this fuckstorm. Go ahead, check out some of the fancy new pro sellers:
See anything strange?
Let's look closer.
Shit on a nickel. That's $4,000 for four logos. You can wrap it in whatever fancy wordplay you want. But at the end of the day, an "identity system" is literally just a fucking logo. Four of them. You only get to keep one, though. $4,000 too, so it better not have any dicks on it.
And it takes fourteen days to get it. A fortnight for you mouthful-o'-peanut-butter Brits. But if you pay another $1,000 you can get it five days earlier than that. So https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIANBamMgas.
Oh look, he has a portfolio. I bet this will blow me away.
The hell? Look at that THUMBWAR one. If I spent four grand on a logo, and got handed that at the end of the day, I'd head down to that shitty headquarters in Tel Aviv and fill that fucking place with water until everyone drowned.
This is great of Fiverr to be all about branching out with a boutique service and all. Trust me, I understand. I charge nine cents a word for written content, remember. But if I wanted to pay out the ass for a logo, I'd go to 99 designs and https://99designs.com/pricing.
It's pretty sad when I go on Fiverr and search "logo", and these new Pro gigs are mixed in with stuff like this:
https://www.fiverr.com/ei8htz/design-2-outstanding-logo
Those logos are fuckin' great. Comparable portfolios, I'd say. And I can spend $150 and get four options to choose from, just like the Pro gig. But in one day. Not two goddamn weeks.
Fuck.
