Every once in a while, my relationship with this sacred force known as Magick yields unexpected fruits - perhaps a turn for the sinister, perhaps good fortune rains down on me, perhaps silence. In those moments, I realize that I am lost. I really fundamentally don't know what the fuck I am doing or the kind of monsters I am playing with. How can these beings be so powerful, so intelligent that they can see 5, 10, 15 years into my life? What exactly am I doing? Several months ago - last year around October, I was casting a spell and it backfired. I'd rather not get into the details about what exactly I was doing because it's a bit more personal than I care for people to know. Anyway, it didn't work. I noticed some extreme, pronounced changes in the person but the most interesting change was in me. For some reason unknown to me, as I was in my temple that night howling into the great darkness to aid me, I felt my energy draining. Like it was literally getting sucked out of me. Completely. I left my temple absolutely drained like a zombie, all my desire for the spell's success having left me. Usually this would indicate a success as my energy had left me, gained a life of its own and turned into a thought form - a poltergeist - hellbent on accomplishing my will, but not this time. I'll admit that I felt quite dejected on my abilities for a while, but as the weeks passed by and I was successful with other spells, I had to revisit this failure to learn from it. Now, I was using the red inverted pentagram and to be frank with you, it kinda scares me. But I think that's mostly subconscious programming that we are all taught from birth. I personally have never felt any sort of sinister emanations coming from it, but then again I don't really know much. I sense a kind of neutrality in it and to be fair, it has helped me tremendously with developing clairvoyance. Now, a couple of weeks ago, I had the great fortune to be fairly lucid while I was traveling out of my physical shell and I immediately went to my closet to look at it. I had the intention of jumping inside of it and seeing what entities lurked within and who exactly was behind its power. I wasn't fully prepared for what I saw. In its true form, the red inverted pentagram when charged looks something like a big golden, ornate box. There were 100s of little knobs, bells and whistles on it. Extremely hard to explain but basically it looked like ANYTHING could pop out of it, it was just operator dependent. I was trying to study it when I felt my astral body weakening and shortly thereafter lost consciousness. The important thing I got from it was that it's also a storage box. I can hide/hold VAST quantities of energy. There's only one other object I know that has been able to store that much energy - that's the earth. The earth is used in somatic meditations by Vajrayana buddhists so that during celibacy, they have a way of releasing the huge quantities of heat their bodies are generating. Very curious. I have yet to find a way to release the energy in my pentagram - never mind control it. I'd actually rather not release it in 1 burst because it would almost certainly wreck all kinds of havoc in my life. I am very curious though. I'm curious why I psychically sensed it as a sentient, living, neutral entity but it chose the form of an inanimate box when I went to study it. I don't know, there are so many questions that I have, so many things that I have yet to grasp. Playing with magick is kind of like playing cat and mouse with a deity. I can only hope that one day I will look back and understand what the game was all about. I hope that it will all be worth it. I can only pray that I will find my way out of the wilderness. But I guess time will tell.