Ever reeeeaaaaalllllly wanna tell someone off? Use this handy guide! --- You swine! You vulgar little maggot! Don't you know that you're pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel. You're a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You're a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You're an obnoxious and depraved degenerate and I feel debased just for knowing that you exist. I despise everything about you. You're a bloody nadless newbie twit proto-hominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away and die. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit puddle. You're a spineless little worm deserving of nothing but the profoundest contempt. You're a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You're a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You're a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You're a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly. You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps, this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant half-baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted and that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these simple things more difficult. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you. You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally, No Good! That means you can go fly a kite and take a long walk off a short pier. And, while we are at it, you're one brick shy of a load, you aren't operating with a full deck, you're out to sea without a rudder or a sail, you're dimwitted, you're not the sharpest tool in the shed, nor are you even the sharpest knife in the drawer, and you're not the brightest bulb in the box, either. You don't have both oars in the water. You are a couple sandwiches shy of a picnic, a few beers short of a six pack, and a few beans short of a burrito. You have a few too many lights out on your Christmas tree. You have had a few too many tackles without a helmet. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. It's hard to believe you beat 100,000 other sperm. Your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor, and you're one fry short of a Happy Meal. You are playing a guitar with no strings. The gates are down, and the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming, and you are a crazy ignoramus who has absolutely no respect for anyone. Get a life!