The Fake SEO Guru BULLSHIT is Strong. Roll Up Your Pant Legs for This One. Ok boys and girls, it’s time to dive into a topic I love: Fake SEO Gurus. It’s a topic I have touched on before, writing about the SEO lies these guru retards love to spread. Well, there are more and more fake gurus coming out of the woodwork, especially since it’s a new year.. new year, new guru retards. It’s so nice of them to want to start 2017 off by helping everyone! We can consider this post an updated version of the past post linked above. It would be a good idea to roll up your pants now, because the bullshit is deep when it comes to these guru retards. They should be avoided like the plague, but unfortunately there is a huge audience that believes the crap they spew out of their mouths (usually from their 1 bedroom apartment in the sketchy part of town or from mommy and daddy’s basement). The Sad Truth Everyone is an SEO guru these days. The sad thing is that most of them have never made a substantial amount of money online, nor have they ever been involved in large SEO projects that justify them TEACHING ANYONE about search engine optimization. They are the least qualified people on the planet to talk about ranking or making money. It’s pathetic, and I have had enough of them. They are a delusional bunch that are so far out there that they actually believe they are the guru they claim to be. Now, I am far from an SEO guru. It’s a path I have never ventured down, nor will I ever. I post regular content on my blog that is 100% free. I don’t require an email address or social share to view it and I don’t write glorified advertisements and try to pass them off as blog posts. Now, if I did go full guru retard, at least I would be able to back it up, highlighting past successful business ventures. One of the first SEO services I launched, SpeedRank, did over 7-figures in sales, I sold my previous SEO agency for 6-figures, and my current agency, SerpLogic, did 7-figures in its first year. This would make me a qualified SEO guru retard, but don’t worry, I will never become one of them. Yet a lot of the guru retards I’ve seen popping up lately have nothing.. zero.. zilch that they can point to in terms of past accomplishments, nothing which gives them any right whatsoever to be attempting to tell others how to make money. This shit is surreal.. You need to avoid them. Here are the classic things to look for to help you identify a SEO guru retard. They post pictures nonstop of cars and cash (that isn’t theirs). This is the latest trend among the guru elite. They post pictures of what is clearly not theirs. I’ll give you a piece of advice, from first hand knowledge. People that really have Lamborghinis and millions of dollars don’t feel the need to post pictures of them with their car every day or go to the bank and pull out stacks of money to take pictures. People that really have wealth and success don’t put it out there like that. I can guarantee you that Mark Cuban has a ridiculous car collection. But, do you see him posting pictures of his rides and doing selfies with the steering wheel logo showing? Nope. Why? He doesn’t have to. He has nothing to prove and nothing to gain from doing that. If he did, he would look like the biggest douchebag. Is Mark Cuban going to pull out a million dollars cash and then take pictures of it? Never. I can promise you that 99% of the cars you see these guru retards post are rented for the day or they find them in upscale parking lots and sneak quick pictures standing next to them. And the cash? That’s movie prop money, which can be purchased on eBay all day long. They brag about their lifestyle. Isn’t it funny how these gurus can post on social media all day long? They make it seem like all they do is live the good life, 24/7. That’s not how it really works. The funny thing is you never see them actually working. They will live stream on Facebook and post pictures on Snapchat and Instagram from morning until night, and not once is there any work being done. Why is that? Oh, it’s because they are full of shit and don’t make money doing what they are “selling” their audience. If someone was truly crushing it with SEO, they would be working, at least a couple hours a day. Heck, even if they weren’t doing the actual work themselves they would have to check in with employees or whomever they were outsourcing the work to. They focus 100% on the lifestyle and rope people in that way. They don’t work because their only “job” is to sell their bullshit lifestyle that is completely fabricated. They live in dream land 24/7. They are willing to sell you the secret to financial freedom for only $37 because they are nice. These SEO gurus could be relaxing at their mansions by the pool, ranking niche sites and affiliate websites, building massive email lists and more, because they are so experienced and knowledgeable. But they would rather hawk $37 eBooks and courses all day long. Makes sense, right? Hardly. While I own an SEO agency, I also have my own websites and have multiple sources of income, all because of my SEO experience. Between running a business and then managing my own websites and projects, I can’t find time to say hi to a family member on social media, let alone play on there all day long showing the good life. They all say the same thing when they are questioned about why they are revealing their super top secret methods for a few dollars. They all just want to help. I guess SEO gurus are just really swell guys and gals that want everyone to be able to post selfies in cars they don’t own. You can never find an actual business they own. Shocker. None of them have real businesses. If someone is truly an authority in SEO you can quickly find out what agency they founded or what they have done in the past. These clowns have never owned a real business. And owning a blog doesn’t count as a real business. If you look at their Facebook profiles you will see they are all a CEO of their website. Give me a fucking break.. most of them don’t even have basic company incorporation. Know what a real CEO does? They run huge businesses that have other C-level executives, management, and a huge staff. They don’t work from their couch slinging eBooks to uneducated noobs. Seriously, try to find real businesses these clowns actually own. I’m not going to name specific guru retards in this article, because they don’t deserve the attention. But, you surely know of a few. Just open up your Facebook feed and you will be exposed to some that had a few dollars available to push ads. Show me a guru retard that owns a successful SEO agency. It’s a next to impossible task. They never post actual proof. Know what these clowns use as proof? Facebook testimonials from noobs that they bait by offering them a discounted copy of their bullshit program. So, these noobs are so desperate to learn how to make millions by doing nothing, that they are willing to write a bullshit review to save a few dollars. There are never real proof posted. There might be a generic rank report, or a fake affiliate income screen shot, but that’s it. Anyone with half a brain or any experience in this industry knows how easily that can be faked. Most noobs have no idea between different difficulty levels when it comes to ranking keywords. The guru retards will show how they rank a local client for their business name in a matter of days, and these noobs think it’s some magical secret. In reality, the business would rank for their name once the domain is indexed and has decent on-site optimization. What they claim to be “SEO expertise” is a slap in the face of any true SEO professional. They make their income (pennies) by teaching, not by doing. As funny as it may sound, these SEO gurus don’t make their money doing SEO. They make money by teaching and selling bullshit products. That would be like someone telling you that they know how to game the stock market, but instead of investing and using their knowledge to make millions of dollars they want to teach and sell courses for $97 each. It doesn’t make any logical sense. Seriously. Think about it for a minute. Imagine if someone told you, “Hey, I know how to make millions of dollars trading stocks, but instead of doing that I want to teach you how to do it for $99.” You would look at them and assume they were 100% full of shit and a scam artist, right? Well these SEO guru retards are no different. They make money by building a fake persona and making people believe they are successful. It’s such deceptive marketing and borderline fraud. They are quick to call out their ‘haters’ when questioned. If anyone dare question the actions or motives of an SEO guru retard they will automatically call the person a “hater” and then turn to their loyal following of noob sheeple to defend them. These noobs will defend them until they are blue in the face, partly because they don’t know any better and partly because they feel like they are part of a group. You see, these guru retards are great at manipulating people with low self-esteem. They actually thrive off these types of people. These people typically are in low paying jobs and in a tough financial situation. They are so desperate to be successful and have a better life that they believe the utter bullshit that comes out of the guru’s mouth. The guru will make the community of their noobs (sheep) feel like they are all in this together. They will virtually jerk each other off, build a tight knit group of people without a clue as to what is going on. Then, when someone with a brain comes along, the guru rings the bell and the followers come to their defense. They all fade away eventually and end up working at McDonalds. Just kidding, as some go on to work at Walmart as well. If you think hard enough, I bet you can think of some SEO guru retards that have seemed to vanish into thin air. They finally fizzled out because their bullshit could only keep them above water for so long. At some point, negative reviews of their “products” will surface and since they have nothing to fall back on, and no real SEO knowledge, they exit the industry. My guess is that they become a guru retard in another industry. These low life scammers can never do anything the right way. They don’t have the intelligence or know how to start a legitimate business. They are programmed to bullshit, lie and scam. So, the SEO guru retards of today are the used car salesmen and [insert newest MLM scam here] dirt bags of the future. They never evolve or change, they just switch to the latest and greatest bullshit offer. Here, we see an SEO guru retard from the past in his new position: They thrive off noobs. I’ve said it a million times before and multiple times throughout this blog post. Noobs are the target and sadly they are so green when it comes to SEO that they believe the bullshit that is told to them. Would someone with half a brain be impressed by an SEO guru retard if they knew the truth, that the guru has made ZERO online worth talking about? Unreal. Zero past success. Just a trailer park, an old laptop, $1 hosting, a blog and a twisted thought process. Yet they believe they can teach people how to make money!? Fuck that noise.. While I might look like a jerk to some for calling it how it is, I encourage others to do the same. You might just help save a noob from being ripped off and left highly disappointed. Conclusion Listen, I’m not trying to knock the hustle of every SEO guru. There are some that do actually know what they are talking about, but the majority of them are clueless and simply feed off noobs that don’t know any better. When determining whether or not you should trust one of these self proclaimed experts, take a deeper look. Some of them like to put out videos and host webinars. They do this from dumpy looking run down bedrooms. Sorry, but anyone that can truly rank a website is going to be making enough money to afford a decent place to live. Furthermore, they are going to have enough sense to clean up the place before hitting “record,” but sadly they are too delusional to realize how foolish they look. Be smart and choose wisely when deciding whom to turn to for SEO related information. Most people are just trying to sell you some BS product. As always, if you have any questions drop them in the comments below and I will do my best to reply as quickly as possible.