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The best PIZZA ever that won't give you a heart attack!

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by UrsuAke, Aug 28, 2013.

  1. UrsuAke

    UrsuAke Power Member

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    This thread is a response to the thread created by Nigel Farage to help fellow brothers like Duffers5000 who, with growing age tend to worry about the ol' ticker and try to get off the carb wagon.

    So here it goes.



    My pizza recipe, is all naturel, it'll make Duffers happy, low carb and tastes like heaven, developed by me, I'm kinda a wannabe home chef, to advise you firsthand I don't work with measurements and that other gay crap like tablespoons or cups and shit:

    1) Take some already made pizza dough from the supermarket or make your own dough (I have a recipe that works like a charm but you have to get your hands dirty and wait a couple hours, so, if anyone wants it, send me a PM, but be prepared for some nasty ass cpa)

    2) Make the sauce (if you get this wrong just forget about it, it won't be that good, and don't piss on my research work, It took me 5-6 years of testing to get this recipe just right):

    What you'll need: onions, garlic, fresh basil, fresh parsley, salt, pepper, chillies or jalapenos or similar, tomatoes or tomato juice.

    a) take some tomatoes (3 or 4), peel their skin off, chop them in 3 or for pieces and throw them in the blender, put the juice in a bowl. PS: if you want to use bought tomato juice skip this step but remember, it won't be as good, trust me, I've A/B tested it a lot.

    b) finely chop some onions and garlic (one onion, one garlic, if you use that elephant jumbo garlic, just add half of it), place them in a bowl (I like to work organized so do that or GTFO you sloppy lot)

    c) finely chop some FRESH basil and FRESH parsley (about a fistfull each, if you have small fists well, improvise) and place them in a bowl (when I mean finely chop, you chop that mofo till there's nothing left but a pile of green sand, also keep everything FRESH, if you add concentrates or dried vegs it won't taste ok. If you don't have fresh condiments, plant them in a pot and you'll have fresh condiments all year round)

    d) get a tall pan or cooking thingy (it needs to have tall walls), pour some olive oil, not much, just to wet the pan and heat it up.

    e) throw in the garlic and onions and let them roast for a little, stirring with a WOODEN spoon ocasionally, don't use metal spoons or stirrers or you'll wreck my sauce and I'll send RoPa after you! I mean it.

    f) when the onions and garlic start to brown a little, but just a little, remember you're looking for that yellow golden color, pour in the tomato juice and stir it for about 2-3 minutes.

    g) add half of the basil and parsley, stir for another 2 minutes, bring the heat to minimum and let it simmer with a lid on for 20-30 minutes, we want the sauce to thicken so it will have some texture to it. Check it and stir it once in a while, we don't want it to burn or stick to the bottom.

    h) turn off the heat add the rest of the basil and parsley, stir for 2-3 minutes and let the sauce cool down and settle a bit, you've done enough to the poor thing already.

    3) Let's get to the fun part, assembly:

    a) take the dough, spread it out, depends on you if you want a thin crust or a puffy one (it actually doesn't depend on you lot, it depends on the type of pizza you're making but eh, that's advanced stuff, I'll give you the illusion of freedom on this one. Ok I'll give you some hints, if you want a fish or seafood pizza go with a thin crust, and if you want a heart stopper lots of meat and lots of toppings go with a puffy crust).

    b) uniformly distribute the sauce on the spreaded dough

    c) add some mozzarella

    d) go bonkers with the toppings, use your imagination, you're an IM'er for crying out loud.

    e) place the pizza in the oven and get it out when it's cooked, straight forward right?

    Some of my favorite topping recipes:

    1) Thin crust tuna carppacio, dried tomatoes, parsley, lemon and tabasco sauce.
    Method: use the above recipe and replace point 3, subsection d with: Add uniformly spread tuna carpaccio or fresh raw tuna cut in thin slices, add dried tomatoes and send that pizza to the oven. When it's done, sprinkle some largely cut fresh parsley, squeeze some lemon juice on top and top it up with some tabasco sauce splashes (use as much as you feel comfortable with)

    2) Thin crust gorgonzolla, beef carpaccio, pickled artichoke , mushrooms, basil and fresh spinach.
    Method: use the above recipe and replace point 3, subsection d with: Add uniformly spread chunks of gorgonzolla cheese, beef carpaccio, pickled artichoke and mushrooms, send that mofo to the oven, take it out when it's done and top it off with fresly cut basil and spinach leaves. You can also add a dash of olive oil but that depends on your tastes.

    3) All meat powerhouse! Puffy crust required. I usually make this pizza when I go snowboarding or do other body challenging physical stuff that needs some type of food that keeps you going and going, so you should eat it when you do outdoor stuff or if you wanna die faster. It requires sausages, ham, bacon, pepperoni, pork meat, mushrooms, chillies or jalapenos or similar.
    Method: use the above recipe and replace point 3, subsection d with: Add sausages, ham, bacon, pepperoni, pork meat, chillies or jalapenos or similar place that in the oven, take it out when it's done. Top it up with freshly cut onion rings, fine cut stripes of sweet peppers and another dash of the wonderful tomato sauce at step 2.

    That's about it. Enjoy.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 28, 2013
  2. DiamonMike

    DiamonMike Regular Member

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    Another healthy and tasty as hell pizza is the one with shrimps and rocket salad.You should google it.In italian is called Rucola e` Gamberetti.Its freakin delicios and its only like 350 kca/portion.
     
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  3. UrsuAke

    UrsuAke Power Member

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    I know's it mate. I add some extra mussels to it but this is advanced stuff regarding pizza. I made that thread so any anti-kitchen member could make his own pie at less costs than getting it in the restaurant.
     
  4. kinlee

    kinlee Supreme Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  5. W9go

    W9go Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    I did not read your receipt completely but i just tell that i reduced my pizza consumption a lot and i already lost 8 kg ..... :)
    i am quite happy with that :)