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Take a break...time for a little humor.

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by ironlifter76, May 25, 2010.

  1. ironlifter76

    ironlifter76 Registered Member

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    I read this last nite and had tears running down my cheeks about half way thru. Hope you enjoy it.

    Regards,
    ironlifter76:coffee:

    New Mexico Chili Cook Off

    Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
    If you pay attention to the first two judges,
    the reaction of the third judge is even better.

    For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza...

    Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.

    Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno pepper s make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

    CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 -- No report.
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 4
  2. paulramsey20

    paulramsey20 Newbie

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    Thanks! I'm laughing a good streak. I love hot spicy foods, flavorful Mexican dishes, spicy Indian foods, and great chili. I have tried a collection of hot sauces and have my personal favorites. I'm not as hard-core as my friend who used to regularly eat a breakfast of saltines slathered with Tabasco sauce. I say used to because he got a stomach ulcer, poor chap.
     
  3. urogoldxx

    urogoldxx Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    Damn, the 3rd judge is as crazy as hell. You got me all cracked up!. Great share for a timeout.

    Thanks.
     
  4. plex_brahial

    plex_brahial Regular Member

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    Now this was hilarious!
    Thanks for the break
     
  5. ironlifter76

    ironlifter76 Registered Member

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    paulramsey20 - Yeah, me too. really enjoy good chili...if my head sweats when I eat it, I know it's good. Interestingly, my wife loves hot food more than me and can handle the hot peppers much better.

    urogoldxx - Glad you liked it. Humor makes the day go better, huh? Raises the endorphins and makes the day brighter.

    plex_brahial - Agreed...that particular comment took me off my chair, literally. Great visual, huh?

    Regards,
    ironlifter76:coffee:
     
  6. enes9

    enes9 Registered Member

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    In your dreams...
    Man, now that was a real timeout! I even farted laughing! :flame:
     
  7. ironlifter76

    ironlifter76 Registered Member

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    enes9 - Thanks, man...that was good, too. You made me snort.

    Regards,
    ironlifter76:coffee: