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Stressed out of work? Time for some laughter.....

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by picfabindia, Mar 16, 2013.

  1. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    Caution: Adult Content here

    A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

    ___________________________________________________________________________


    A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and I can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer and I'll order from that." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him. He tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs into the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir. This time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "I didn't know Mary worked here."

    ____________________________________________________________________________

    A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
    The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
    The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
    "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
    "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
    The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
    The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

    ____________________________________________________________________________

    A couple was lying in bed after making some rough love. She starts playing with the man's private parts. The man asks, "Do you like doing that?" The woman replies, "Oh Yes! Because I miss my own"

    ___________________________________________________________________________

    A bloke goes on holiday to Bali and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mother, 40 and hot!" his mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister 18 and wet"

    _____________________________________________________________________________

    A parrot swallows a viagra tab. His owner,disgusted,puts him in the freezer to cool off. After 20 minutes, he opens the freezer to see the parrot sweatin."why r u sweating?", he asks. The Parrot replies,"Do u kno how fucking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!?"

    ______________________________________________________________________________

    One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

    Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

    Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

    _________________________________________________________________________________

    Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

    Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

    "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
    "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
    And then she said, "Do what ever you want."
    So, here I am.

    _______________________________________________________________

    Tom had been in the liquor business for twenty-five years. Finally sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought fifty acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week, and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation someone knocked on his door. He opened it and saw a huge, bearded man standing there.

    "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. I'm having a Christmas party Friday night, and thought you might like to come."

    "Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some of the local folks. Thank you."

    As Lars was leaving he stopped and said, "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'."

    "Not a problem," said Tom. "After twenty-five years in the liquor business, I can drink with the best of ‘em."

    Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More ‘n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

    "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

    "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

    "Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

    "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us..."



    Let all contribute.....wiill try to update the thread regularly :)
     
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  2. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    Work Pressure...
    __________
    Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys..
    __________________________
    Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants . And as I finished..
    I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand..
    _________________________
    Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "Why is she not attending the weekly status call?"
    __________________________
    I don't login to facebook, yahoo, gmail, youtube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize - I am at home.
    __________________________
    Yeah sometimes it does happens with me also. keeping hands in front of tap waiting for water to drop by itself is very frequent with me. I just forget that we have to turn on and off the tap....
    _________________________
    Once after talking to one of my friends
    I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye...in case of any issues will call u back"
    _________________________
    Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it's in the recycle bin ! __________________________
    Once I went to a pharmacy n asked for a tab....pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg..... I replied 256mb....thank god he didn't notice.
    _________________________
    And I - after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen...

    Work is a part of your life. Don't make it your life. Have a great work-life balance....





     
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  3. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    ​The beauty of english!
    Have u ever noticed dat deleting 1 word after da other in a sentence can lead 2 a story??
    For example:
    Oh john plz dnt touch me at all!
    Oh john plz dnt touch me at!
    Oh john plz dnt touch me!
    Oh john plz dnt touch!
    Oh john plz dnt!
    Oh john plz!
    Oh john!
    Ohhh
    Ohhhh..

    _____________________________________________________________


    Only Indians will understand this:


    Rahul Gandhi walks into ICICI Bank to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, would you please cash this check for me?"

    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

    RG: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Vice President of the Congress Party. future indian PM.

    Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

    RG: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

    Cashier: "I am sorry sir but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

    RG: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check."

    Cashier: "Look Sir here is an example of what we can do. One day, Sachin Tendulkar came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Sachin he pulled out his bat and made a beautiful shot across the bank. With that shot we knew him to be Sachin and cashed his check."
    "Another time, Mahesh Bhupati came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
    So, sir what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, future indian PM, Rahul Gandhi?"

    RG stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says:
    "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do; I just don't have a clue".

    Cashier: "Sir 500 ke note dun ya 1000 ke?

    _____________________________________________________________________________

    What Is better than PORN ?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    HD PORN X_X=D=))

    ______________________________________________________________________


    The awkward moment when ,

    Ur computer stuck on porn =))X-o X_X

    _____________________________________________________________________________

    WICKED MOMENT:

    Men go shopping to buy what they want, However Women go shopping to find out what they want:p

    _________________________________________________________________________

    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

    The first Catholic man tells his friends,
    "My son is a priest. When he walks into
    a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

    The second Catholic man chirps,
    "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

    The third Catholic gent says,
    "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

    The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
    "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

    Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

    She proudly replies,
    "I have a daughter,

    SLIM

    TALL

    38D BREASTS

    24"WAIST and

    36"HIPS.

    When she walks into a room, people say,
    "Jesus Christ !"

     
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  4. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    A Johnny and Susie go to the same school. One night Susie saw her mum in the shower and asked "what's that??" She replied, "that's the garage and you mustn't let any pink Ferraris in." In Johnny's house he saw his dad in the shower an asked "daddy, what's that??" He replied with " that's a pink Ferrari and you must get it into as many garages as possible. The next day Johnny and Susie go to school and when Susie's mum goes to pick her up, she sees that Susie has blood all over her hands, she asked "what happened!?!?" She replied, "a pink Ferrari tried to get into my garage so I pulled out its back wheels..."
     
  5. mudbutt

    mudbutt Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    a man walks into a bar, his alcoholism is destroying his family
     
  6. mudbutt

    mudbutt Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    whats worst than finding a worm in your apple?

    the holocaust.
     
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  7. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    Dedicated to all guys in here.....


    Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    You know stuff about guns.
    A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    You can open all your own jars.
    You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
    You can leave the motel bed unmade.
    You get extra credit for the slightest acts of thoughtfulness.
    Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    Wedding dress: $2,000; Tuxedo rental: $75
    Your underwear cost $10 for a three pack.
    You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
    Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking, "He must be mad at me."
    Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
    You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
    If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong friends.
    Your pals will never trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"
    You almost never have strap problems in public.
    You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    The same hairstyle last for years, even decades.
    A few belches are expected and tolerated.
    One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
    You can"do" your nails with a pocketknife.
     
  8. GiorgioB

    GiorgioB Supreme Member

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    Occupation:
    Making money
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    A guy in a bar goes up and tells the bar owner "I bet you $100 I can piss in that glass right at the other end of the room without getting one drop outside"..

    The bar owner says "That's impossible;. i'm always up for easy money". So the guy unzips, and starts spraying peeing everywhere, all over the bar owner and not a single drop into the glass. The dripping bar owner smiles, and says "well, I guess you owe me $100", to which the guy laughs and says "sure", hands him over $100. Surprised by hs reaction, the bar owner says "why are you laughing, you just completely failed you bet?" to which the guy replies... "well, I just bet $200 with that girl over there that I could piss all over you and you would be smiling about it"

    :D
     
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  9. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

    They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

    The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

    The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

    The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
     
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  10. beaglejuice

    beaglejuice Power Member

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    Being sexist is not my idea of laughter.
     
  11. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    maybe some sarcasm helps :)

    for you::


    A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost.

    She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: "Excuse me, can you help me?
    I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

    Man below replied: "You r in hot air balloon 30 feet above d ground.U r at 41 deg north latitude & 59 deg west longitude."

    Lady: You must be an engineer.

    Man: How do u know?

    Lady: Everything u told me is technically correct but useless & the fact is I'm still lost.

    Engineer:You must be in Top Management.

    Lady:Ya.How do you know?

    Engineer:U don't know where you are or where you're going. U made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, & u expect people beneath u to solve ur problems. :/
     
  12. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    Once a man was walking in a park when he came across a penguin. He took him to a policeman n said, "i've just found this penguin. What should i do?". De policeman replied, "take him 2 de zoo".
    De next day de policeman saw de same man in de same park n de man was still carrying de penguin w/ him. De policeman was rather surprised n walked up 2 de man n asked, "why r u still carrying that penguin? Didn't u take it 2 de zoo?". "I certainly did", replied de man, "n it was great idea he really enjoy it, so 2day i'm taking him 2 de movies!"
     
  13. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watchingyou.'

    Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

    'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

    'Moses,' replied the bird.

    'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

    'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
     
  14. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    Kalu was Excited about his new rifle and decided to try Bear hunting.

    He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small Brown bear and shot it.
    Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big Black Bear.

    The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.
    Either I Maul you to death or we have Sex.'

    After considering briefly, kalu decided to accept the latter alternative.

    So the black bear had his way with kalu. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, kalu soon recovered and vowed revenge.

    He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the Black Bear and shot it dead.

    Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
    This time a huge Grizzly Bear stood right next to him.
    The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, kalu. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I Maul you to death or we have 'rough Sex.'

    Again, kalu thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with kalu.

    Although he survived, it took several months before kalu fully recovered.

    Now kalu was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the Grizzly Bear and shot it.

    He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a Giant Polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear looked at him and said,
    'Admit it kalu, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
     
  15. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED!!

    Sipping her drink, the SINGLE girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

    The... ENGAGED woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

    The MARRIED woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
     
  16. rodowdy09

    rodowdy09 Regular Member

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    LOL! Gee golly batman!

    You don't come here for the hunting, do you?
     
  17. picfabindia

    picfabindia BANNED BANNED

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    Husband: I hate you!!!!
    Wife: What a coincidence!!!!