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So this lady walks in my office...

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by schwagoo, Jan 14, 2012.

  1. schwagoo

    schwagoo Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    My front desk guy comes back to my office this afternoon and says "hey brian, there is a lady here to see you".
    I usually don't meet with people who walk in my office unannounced, as they are usually there to sell me credit card processing or an ad in some magazine that only old twats read.

    So I ask the obvious question "Is she hot?".. "Tell her to walk in front of the HD IP camera and spin around real slowly so I can get a good look before deciding whether to speak to her or not."

    Front desk guy: (properly ignoring my bigoted command to exploit the young lady) : "Yea she is pretty hot"

    "OK I will be up there in a minute" I said.

    I close all my youporn windows and I walk up front. She hands me a company flier, her business card, and a sheet of about 20 bullet points.
    Turns out she is a sales lady for an offline SEO customer of mine. I have had this customer for about 2 years. Their previous website was some horse shit that was made in 1999. Just awful.

    First thing she says is: "Hi I'm _____ from _____ company and I don't know if you made the ____ website or not, but I think it is just awful ! Here is a list of change that I want made to it."

    "OK" I say...

    I'm taking a big deep breath, letting her finish...

    She reads me the first bullet point which says "Take off the flashing images and blinking text."

    I say "No problem, let's pull up the website and take a look." (hijacking the front desk guy's computer...we pull up the website.".

    "OK first of all, there are no FLASHING images or Blinking text on this page. What you are calling a Flashing Image is a search-engine friendly Jquery slider which showcases your company's products and services. It is targeted based on incoming search term and clicks through to specific landing pages for that product or service in the image. We track all of this to maximize the effectiveness of your Internet Marketing Investment".

    (she tilts her head to the right, trying to ingest what I just said)

    "tell me something, sugar pants...what do you think is the most important function that your company website serves?"

    Sugar Pants: "Umm.. look nice to customers?"


    Me: "WRONG!! To Convert is the answer. Conversion is the only thing that matters. The rest is just fucking bullshit. When I took over your company's Internet Marketing campaign 2 years ago, do you know how many monthly Internet leads your company was receiving?


    Sugar Pants: "I don't know, I didn't work there 2 years ago".


    Me: "Right, but I KNOW how many. They used to get 2-3 leads per month. Do you know how many they get now?"


    Sugar Pants: "No..."


    Me: "73 in December. yes Seventy-Three Internet Leads. Thirteen Contact Form submissions requesting quotes, and sixty phone calls. I know this because I watch my clients' tracking very closely because that is my job. When he signed my contract, your President told me that an average 1-time sale for your company is worth about $350 minimum. That means my work on your website generated about $25,000 in sales last month, and now you are walking in my office without an appointment telling me that my work is awful and that you know how to do it better.


    Sugar Pants: "...."


    Me: "Here is what i want you to do. I want you to march your cute little Almost-30 year old ass back to your Toyota Hybrid and plop it down in the faux leather seat and go make sales calls and do what you do best. Leave the Website stuff and the BLINKING TEXT to me. What I am doing is working...it's fucking working more than you can imagine. And I am constantly researching new technology and techniques to make it even better. And what you are doing is spending time sticking your little plastic-sculpted nose where it doesn't belong." "Have a nice day".


    Yes everything in blue is all bullshit. I actually took her information and told her I would call her next week to schedule a meeting with herself and their marketing person. This gives me time to be a bit more diplomatic. I just wrote this out because it made me feel better :)
     
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  2. CraigNewmark

    CraigNewmark Registered Member

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    Cool story bro!
     
  3. schwagoo

    schwagoo Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    Clever response bro!

     
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  4. Brainstorming

    Brainstorming BANNED BANNED

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    The blue should have been in white. Aka you should have said it all, if what you're saying there is true. Minus the cussing and unnecessary rudeness. Not that she doesn't deserve it, but you have to stay professional.
     
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  5. zeexu

    zeexu Newbie

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    If only the blue text was true, It would be even more awesome! :D
    P.S. Toyota is nice :D Do you get a discount if you buy it from them since your working for their web department? haha
     
  6. phatzilla

    phatzilla Supreme Member

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    riveting tale, chap.
     
  7. xSwag

    xSwag Junior Member

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    [​IMG] round of applause for schwagoo.
     
  8. thedon23

    thedon23 Elite Member

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    Pwned :D

    [​IMG]
     
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  9. Madruga

    Madruga Senior Member

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    Son, I'm disappointed.
     
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  10. Donkey Kong

    Donkey Kong Regular Member

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    Can you have her number?
     
  11. m0nster

    m0nster Senior Member

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    you can tell the blue isn't real cause he calls her sugar pants :p

    thought you had upgraded to efukt by now :p
     
  12. Techxan

    Techxan Elite Member

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    Charge them BIG for all the research you do to tell her all that in person, and do let us know what the other changes were, as well as what happens.
     
  13. howard_hughes

    howard_hughes Elite Member

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    Nice Story, If you only added a hot ROMP after you blasted her, It would make a nice Brazzers Scene :)
     
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  14. CraigNewmark

    CraigNewmark Registered Member

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    Man this was a really neat story, I hope you write more.
     
  15. Getwhatchuwant

    Getwhatchuwant Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    After she learns your efforts likely has given her the job she now possesses, a proper BJ is in order.
     
  16. CraigNewmark

    CraigNewmark Registered Member

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    I hope you have a daughter one day.
     
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  17. Getwhatchuwant

    Getwhatchuwant Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    I have many daughters, none of them mine.
     
  18. 7878

    7878 Executive VIP Premium Member

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    Entertianing post, but I don't like the blue text. In fact, take a look at this list of bullet points on how you can improve your presentation....
     
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  19. CraigNewmark

    CraigNewmark Registered Member

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    Ahh, they must be sleeping in your bed while you sit on nerd forums on a Friday night. Of course! You are the man!
     
  20. Getwhatchuwant

    Getwhatchuwant Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    Yep, thats it. You got me bro'...LOL...