Shared parenting after separation or divorce: how it is in your country?

I am the father of a 2 years old child, separated from his mother.

In France, it's really tough when you are in permanent conflict with the mother of your child. I am currently fighting to see my children more often, and it seems that the mother has all rights, in every domain.

I am frustrated: I want to educate my child, I take the time to do it, and I do it with love as best as I can. I tried to convince the mother that 50%-50% shared parenting is the best option, as we have both something valuable to provide to our children. But no way, she persists to claim this is bad for the children. She also claimed that I am doing illegal work, that I am an alcoholic and that I had an "inappropriate sexual gesture". The usual stuff of the modern "oppressed woman" I guess. Free charges and calumnies.

I read some scientific studies about shared parenting, and it comforted my intuition: equally-shared parenting is the way to go. I will fight for that.

I know, it's strange to post this in this forum. It's just a bad moment for me. Writing it like it's an SEO issue helps me and I know it's strange. But it's my personality: I also think about coding when I want to sleep at night during stressful periods. I wonder if I am alone to do that!

So... People who know the scientific studies or websites about shared parenting (pros and cons) are most welcomed. It may help others to compile that!

You should think about that before you did the divorce, the best thing for one child is seeing his parents together and happy. Now it's so hard but just look also to yourself if you are really a good person or good father, than correct yourself and try to be the best father so your kid will want to be like you, thats the best thing you can do, you can not make someone else to do stuff you want from them to do, even from your child, so educate your child by being a repper to him!

How it will be shared?
One year with the mother and one year with father?

Look into it and analyze it all you want, kids suffer drastically from divorce. Too bad.

In Venezuela, the mother also has all the benefits and protection from the laws when it comes to the divorce process.

ju112 said:

illegal work

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I feel your pain. Trying to explain to your famly and friends that your work revolves around a site called "Blackhatworld" and their mind start imagining the worst.

I can only imagine saying that to the judge in family affairs.

It doesn't even help your credibility when you try to explain that degrees are overrated and that you make thousands of $ writing blog posts and marketing phone cases.

Don't worry, just slip them a bill maybe from time to time. (The kid I mean, not bribing the judge!)

It's tough everywhere I guess

You gotta cut a deal with the mother. One week, the other. So on. It's always complicated, but later when he grows up he'll choose on his own.

You could go the "Blackhat" route and get some dirt on her and claim she is unfit to care for the child and take full custody

Thank you all for your gentle answers. I have been so busy with this mess lately! It takes all my energy as obviously being able to see my children is the only one priority that really counts.

Finally, I hired an expansive agressive lawyer to defend myself.

Unfortunately, despite I am naturally kind (I think), some people only understand force. I am slow to react aggressively, but when I am done, I am like that:

This is not a SEO related issue but it touches my heart so I will try to share my assessment.

First of, I think children are more in need of a mother than a father. We do not live in caves, so having muscles ain't really a perk these days. embrace modernity.
Raising a battle will probably hurt those you love, people including your child will probably be affected by this now and in the future.

In my country father has all the rights but things are complicated and I also doubt a court in France would give a damn about that neither should you.

Anyway, if you ask me and by the limited information that I have I think that the right thing is for you to get her approval in a way out side of judiciary court by improving yourself so that it benefits her to sustain contact with you.

4ry4n said:

First of, I think children are more in need of a mother than a father.

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I've always been in a strong disagreement with that. I had a dad, but not very close to me, and I know what it means. A mother takes care of you, while a father "growths" you.

4ry4n said:

In my country father has all the rights but things are complicated and I also doubt a court in France would give a damn about that neither should you.

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In France, the father and mother legally have equal rights to the children. This is a perfect 50%-50%, but this is in theory. In practice, my chances are small to play a significant part in my children's education. Even small, I play it.

4ry4n said:

I think that the right thing is for you to get her approval in a way out side of judiciary cour

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Yep, this is what I have tried for the last two years. But now she wants to keep me out of all decisions. By not fighting and always looking for discussion, I will lose my children by appearing weak. I know it.

Sometimes, being a father is just showing strength. It's a free lesson from women and mothers: they will do nasty/ugly stuff until the man or the father shows he is strong. This is what I am doing and I am pretty sure I follow the right road, at least morally.

ju112 said:

I've always been in a strong disagreement with that. I had a dad, but not very close to me, and I know what it means. A mother takes care of you, while a father "growths" you.

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First of, lack of father does not mean lack of father figure, also lack of father plays differently on girls and boys.
I think boys manage without dad just fine, girls may find it harder and be way more affected mentally.

ju112 said:

In France, the father and mother legally have equal rights to the children. This is a perfect 50%-50%, but this is in theory. In practice, my chances are small to play a significant part in my children's education. Even small, I play it.

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Tossing kids back and forth doesn't seem productive if both parties don't agree to it fully.

ju112 said:

Yep, this is what I have tried for the last two years. But now she wants to keep me out of all decisions. By not fighting and always looking for discussion, I will lose my children by appearing weak. I know it.

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I doubt that kids would forgive parents for miss managing their relationship so appearing weak or strong does not matter for them.

ju112 said:

Sometimes, being a father is just showing strength. It's a free lesson from women and mothers: they will do nasty/ugly stuff until the man or the father shows he is strong. This is what I am doing and I am pretty sure I follow the right road, at least morally.

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This is just misogynistic talk and I am not on board with it.

A friend of mine split up with her husband over here in the Uk and she has a nightmare as well. I guess it’s often hard cause if you
Split up then it’s quite likely you don’t get on well, and on top of that if you have different views on how to bring up your children then it’s never going to be a smooth ride. What can you do though?

4ry4n said:

This is just misogynistic talk and I am not on board with it.

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So I should resign myself to being excluded from my children's life, otherwise, I am a misogynist. Fantastic.

Many do not understand what a split means: it's a real fight sometimes, where any discussion is impossible.

ju112 said:

So I should resign myself to being excluded from my children's life, otherwise, I am a misogynist. Fantastic.

Many do not understand what a split means: it's a real fight sometimes, where any discussion is impossible.

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This is the misogyny in your statement: "It's a free lesson from women and mothers: they will do nasty/ugly stuff until the man or the father shows he is strong" It has nothing to do with education of your kids.

I think this fight for you is about your ego foremost.

davids355 said:

A friend of mine split up with her husband over here in the Uk and she has a nightmare as well. I guess it’s often hard cause if you
Split up then it’s quite likely you don’t get on well, and on top of that if you have different views on how to bring up your children then it’s never going to be a smooth ride. What can you do though?

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The main issue here, in France, is that obtaining a Judgement decision takes 2 years.

So for 2 years, it's anarchy. Very violent anarchy as both parents have legally exactly the same rights over the children.

4ry4n said:

I think this fight for you is about your ego foremost.

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You think bad. I cry almost every day as I feel I have the right to see my children, and often I can't. She takes the right to deprive me of my child, I would never do that on my side, for anyone.

I think personal feelings should be put aside and you should sit down like adults and find the best solution for the good of the kids.

But no one can say what that best solution is, because no one knows you guys.

Maybe she's a manipulative bitch! Maybe youre a violent alcoholic crackhead! We dont know.

But at some point, to me, like, khm, if legally she has all the power, and if she's being a total dick about it, you can just, you know, bail forever and not pay her a cent ever. Give up on the kid and start a new family and new kids in South America on a beach somewhere. Send her a postcard once per year with a big Fuck You on it.

And if some day your kid looks you up and asks why you left, you rightfully blame it on his cunt selfish mother and unfair government policies.

Or just stay and fight her and the government, take any crumbs they throw your way with your head bowed, like a broken dog.

But what do i know. I have no kids. I only know that staying togerther in a dysfunctional marriage for the sake of the children is stupid and most likely counter-productive for all involved.

Unfortunately, the law always sides with women.
I am sorry for you and your kid that the mother is not mature enough to acknowledge that the presence of both parents in the child's life is the best, even if divorced.
Not much you can do about it if she rejects your presence, even if that's wrong for the kid.