1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

[Read] Joke of the day 2-11-2012

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by gullsinn, Nov 2, 2012.

  1. gullsinn

    gullsinn Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2009
    Messages:
    2,429
    Likes Received:
    2,210
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Jobless :D
    Location:
    Graveyard
    Home Page:
    3 Contractors were Bidding to fix a Fountain in White House.


    Each from India, China & Pakistan.


    Indian said:
    900$
    (400$ for Materials, 400$ for Crew & 100$ Profit)


    Chinese:
    700$
    (300$ for Materials, 300$ for Crew & 100$ Profit)


    Pakistani :
    Whispered in the Ear of Officer:
    2700$


    The Officer said:
    U didn't even measure and gave such a high Figure?


    Pakistani again whispered:
    1000$ for Me,
    1000$ for U
    & Lets Hire the Chinese to do It .. :p
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 16
  2. ferma231

    ferma231 Elite Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2011
    Messages:
    1,698
    Likes Received:
    3,508
    Location:
    Internet
    Lool :D
     
  3. gullsinn

    gullsinn Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2009
    Messages:
    2,429
    Likes Received:
    2,210
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Jobless :D
    Location:
    Graveyard
    Home Page:
    Thank you ferma for liking this :D
     
  4. GiorgioB

    GiorgioB Supreme Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2012
    Messages:
    1,288
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Occupation:
    Making money
    Location:
    Touching the Sky
    good one.

    I got one for you guys..

    DISCLAIMER: This joke is cold and not funny. if I were you I would stop reading now.

    2 male friends are walking around in the forest. one of them wants to go for a piss.. so he walks away a bit from the path.. unzips and starts to slash.

    unfortunately for him, a snake bites him on the d***. He is in excruciating pain and his friend hears him screaming. he runs up to him, asking "what happened??", and the guy says "that blasted snake bit me on my john thomas"..

    The friend draws for his mobile phone, starts dialing the emergency hotline:

    "Hello, emergency hotline.. what is your emergency?"
    "Hi, my friend got bitten by a snake, what shall we do?"
    "well, what does the snake look like?"
    "I don't know.. long.. thin.. yellow rings around the body"
    "Oh my.. that is a yellowstone rattlesnake.. there is only one way to save your friend"
    "omg.. tell me quick!"
    "well.. you have to suck the venom out with your mouth.."
    "oh... ok.. thank you!"


    So he hangs up.. and his friends hollers "so! what did they say ??"

    And he replies:
    Uncomfortable-300x300.jpg
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 15
  5. dheer

    dheer Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2009
    Messages:
    2,443
    Likes Received:
    1,029
    Home Page:
  6. gypsyr0ad

    gypsyr0ad Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2011
    Messages:
    240
    Likes Received:
    281
    This guy came home late, from a night out partying with his friends, as he entered the house his wife began scolding him...
    "you were out with that slut Mary, right?"
    "No" he replied
    "then you were out with that beitch, Amy, right?"
    "No" he replied
    "I bet it was Pam, huh?"
    "No" he replied "I told you I had to work late again" then went to bed.

    The next day at work, his buddies asked him if he got into much trouble with his wife, for being late.
    He replied
    "Hell yah I did" then smiled and said "But I got three new leads"
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  7. GiorgioB

    GiorgioB Supreme Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2012
    Messages:
    1,288
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Occupation:
    Making money
    Location:
    Touching the Sky
    nice, nice.. man i love jokes :D
     
  8. gypsyr0ad

    gypsyr0ad Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2011
    Messages:
    240
    Likes Received:
    281
    I seen that coming, lol.
    Still pretty funny though


    This hot looking blonde was in her doctors office for her "checkup down there"
    As her doctor looked down at her privates, he stated "Oh my, looks like I am going to have to numb that"
    She replied "Numb that?"
    He replied with a grin..
    "Don't mind if I do" then being licking her with his tongue "numb numb numb"
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2012
  9. FJX

    FJX Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2011
    Messages:
    356
    Likes Received:
    186
    Location:
    0x90
    lol at that friend!!! hah
     
  10. ButcherPete

    ButcherPete Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2012
    Messages:
    284
    Likes Received:
    281
    Occupation:
    Factory supervisor; internet marketer in training
    Location:
    Ohio
    A man is very sick so he goes to the doctor. The doctor looks him over, runs some tests, and says "Well, this is a strange new virus. The good news is, we have a cure. The bad news is, the only way to administer it is in suppository form. The man recoils in disgust and says "What?? You mean, up my arse??" The doctor says "I'm afraid so. It has to be done twice a day. I'll do it just this once to show you how, and you can have someone help you do it later in the day." The man sighs, reluctantly drops his pants and waits for the doctor to put in the suppository. He feels something go up his arse, and it hurts a little but not too bad. It was over pretty quick.

    The doctor gives the man the applicator to take home and sends him on his way. The man goes home and tells his wife how everything went, and how he'll need her to help put in the suppository later that night. As they're about to go to bed, they decide to get it over with. He drops his pants, his wife stands behind him. She puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository with the other hand. Just then, the man jumps up and says "wait a minute!!" His wife says "What's wrong honey? Did I do it wrong?"

    The man says, "No, no, but I just realized something... when the doctor did it at his office today, he put BOTH hands on my shoulders!!"
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  11. educatedfool

    educatedfool Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2012
    Messages:
    1,487
    Likes Received:
    533
    Location:
    Silicon City Of India
    This is gotta be the best one of three.

    Nice buddy.

     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
  12. GiorgioB

    GiorgioB Supreme Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2012
    Messages:
    1,288
    Likes Received:
    1,318
    Occupation:
    Making money
    Location:
    Touching the Sky
    There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer.

    The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

    "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated.

    I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

    They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"

    "Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"



    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________



    A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a
    single drop."

    The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
    The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.

    The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."

    The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.

    The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."

    The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2012
  13. miedy

    miedy Senior Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2012
    Messages:
    1,010
    Likes Received:
    463
    =====================================
    Don't laugh at your wife's choices
    Because you are one of them :)
    =====================================
     
  14. gypsyr0ad

    gypsyr0ad Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2011
    Messages:
    240
    Likes Received:
    281
    This blonde goes into a new doctors office for her "check up" as her previous doctor had retired.

    The doctor looks down there and asks her "Have you ever had a check up there before?"
    she replied..
    "No, but I've had a few Germans"

    -------

    This other Blonde takes her teen daughter for her first check up.
    The doctor asks "has she ever had intercourse before?"
    The blonde replies....
    "I am not sure what that is, but go ahead and give her some, as welfare is paying for it"

    =======

    This guy goes to see a doctor as his "manhood" was all swollen and turned green, due to his very active sexual lifestyle.
    The doctor examined him, took blood tests and such, and after everything came back, explained that he had several diseases, some of which there is no cure for, and they were going to have to amputate it before it spread.

    The guy did not want that happening, so he went to various doctors, trying to get a better opinion, yet they all said the same thing,
    It was going to have to be cut off.
    Finally, as he was visiting the very last doctor he could see, he stated to the doctor.
    "you are my last hope, please tell me that you wont have to cut it off"
    The doctor replied.. "No,no, no, I wont have to do that at all"
    "Thank goodness, you made me the happiest ma..."
    The doctor interrupted him and said "naa, we wont have to cut it off, by the looks of it, its about to fall off on its own, anytime now"
     
  15. voljin

    voljin Junior Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    286
    Occupation:
    Witch Doctor
    Location:
    Scourge Side
    On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

    The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

    Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, ""Hey, wait. I think I see your problem."
     
  16. RMX

    RMX Power Member

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2009
    Messages:
    726
    Likes Received:
    389
    Occupation:
    Network Security Admin
    Location:
    London, UK
    Home Page:
    Red Bull had a TV commercial in Latvia based on this. The setup was a little bit different, but the whole idea 100% was taken from this.

     
  17. santhu

    santhu Power Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2012
    Messages:
    547
    Likes Received:
    447
    Occupation:
    Self-Employed Interenet Marketer......
    Location:
    India
    Hahahaha..................
    More Jokes Please......
     
  18. gullsinn

    gullsinn Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2009
    Messages:
    2,429
    Likes Received:
    2,210
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Jobless :D
    Location:
    Graveyard
    Home Page:
    LOL, worth sharing. :)


    A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.


    'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.


    The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.


    'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'


    The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket.. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.


    He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.


    The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ..


    He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan... When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email. The man replied,'I don't have an email.'


    The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'


    Moral of the story


    Moral 1
    Internet is not the solution to your life..


    Moral 2
    Even if you don't have Internet and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
     
  19. voljin

    voljin Junior Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    286
    Occupation:
    Witch Doctor
    Location:
    Scourge Side
    here is another one :p

    i3J3cgPJttqUd.jpg
     
  20. Techxan

    Techxan Elite Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2011
    Messages:
    3,093
    Likes Received:
    3,585
    Occupation:
    Local SEOist
    Location:
    TEXAS (you have to yell, its the law.)
    I cant remember if I put this one here, it doesn't appear so, so here goes.

    There once was a little bird that decided that he was not going to fly south for the winter. The trip was long and exhausting, and he simply decided that winter couldn't be any worse. So he stayed when the rest of the flock flew south.

    In about a month he he began to think he had made a mistake, and decided to head south after all.

    He flew for three days, and suddenly was overtaken by a severe storm, very soon he was cold and weak, and eventually he fell to the ground exhausted.

    He fell into a cow pasture and lay on the frozen ground, knowing that his moments were numbered and he was about to die.

    A cow wandered by and happened to take a shit right on top of the little bird. Since the manure was warn, the little bird began to feel better, and he discovered that there were even little pieces of corn there to eat.

    Soon he was warm, and fully revived, and had a very fulfilling meal, he was so happy and relieved that he had not died, that he began to sing.

    A nearby cat heard the bird singing, ran over to the pile of manure, dug through it and uncovered the little bird, snagged hi8m up and ate him.

    There are three morals to the story:

    !. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

    2. Not everyone who takes shit off you is your friend.

    3 When you are well fed, safe, warm, and happy, even if you are neck deep in shit,

    KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
     
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2012