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Ohhhh, you got jokes ey....

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by G-S-T, Jun 25, 2012.

  1. G-S-T

    G-S-T Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    Thought I would start a jokes thread.

    Rules are simple.

    No sexist jokes.
    No racist jokes.
    No jokes about religion.

    I will get the ball rolling...


    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help.


    First, let's make sure he's dead."


    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.


    Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
     
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  2. BigFatWallet

    BigFatWallet Power Member

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    This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

    He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

    George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

    Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
     
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  3. G-S-T

    G-S-T Executive VIP Jr. VIP

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    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed.

    A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

    The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

    After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan ...'

    The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

    The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

    The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....

    I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'
     
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  4. BigFatWallet

    BigFatWallet Power Member

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    A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

    Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: 25 June 2012

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
    P.S. Sure is hot down here!
     
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  5. BigFatWallet

    BigFatWallet Power Member

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    TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
    GEORGE: Here it is!
    TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
    CLASS: George!
     
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  6. XoRaK

    XoRaK Regular Member

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    Look at my signature ;-)
     
  7. BigFatWallet

    BigFatWallet Power Member

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    TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

    STUDENT: Big hands!
     
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  8. steelballs

    steelballs BANNED BANNED

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    Euro 2012

    Hodgson just asked the English squad if they'd settle for pens. Everyone but Rooney said yes - he said he wanted crayons.
     
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  9. Leith

    Leith Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
     
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  10. mrunknown

    mrunknown Regular Member

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    Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
    "Yes What can I do for you?"
    "I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith.
    He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
    "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
    The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house.
    They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
    Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
    They sneer at Virgil and leave.
    The phone rings at Virgil's house.
    "Hey,Virgil! This here is Floyd.
    Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
    "Did they split yer firewood?" "Yep!"
    "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
     
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  11. DanTe_0101

    DanTe_0101 Senior Member

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    A little boy asked his father,
    "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
    And the father replied,
    "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
     
  12. Leith

    Leith Jr. Executive VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    Okay, I had to post a few more!

    ---------------------------------

    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" ---------------------------------
    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
    ---------------------------------
    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
     
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  13. BlueZero

    BlueZero Power Member

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    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

    His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

    The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
     
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  14. 2011nfl

    2011nfl Supreme Member

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    A boy and his grandpa went to the tobacco shop and the grandpa got a pack of cigaretts. The boy said to the grandpa, "hey can I have a cigarett?" The grandpa said "can your d**k touch your ass?" The boy replied "no" And he said, "well theres your answer"

    The next day, they went back to the store and the grandpa bought a 12 pack of beer. The boy said "can I have a beer?" The grandpa replied "Can your d**k touch your ass?" The boy replied "No" Grandpa said, "Well there's your answer"

    On the third day, the boy had a bum buy him a lottery ticket, and he won a million dollars. Grandpa said, "can I have some of that money grandson?" The boy said "Can your d**k touch your ass?" Grandpa confidently replied "Hell Yeah!"

    The boy replied, "Well go f**k yourself!"
     
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  15. BRAIN_PAIN

    BRAIN_PAIN Junior Member

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    A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

    "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

    The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."

    "That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

    The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

    ===============================================

    After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles."

    :D
     
  16. chad362wiley

    chad362wiley Supreme Member

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    Wanna hear a joke?

    Warriorforum
     
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  17. mangobajito

    mangobajito Power Member

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    Yeah worlds shortest joke
     
  18. mangobajito

    mangobajito Power Member

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    A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

    On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

    "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the w
    oman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into Mc Donald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29. "The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

    The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50 ".

    "Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell? "

    The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

    "I promise I won't" she says.

    "I was behind you at Mc Donald's."
     
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  19. HoNeYBiRD

    HoNeYBiRD Jr. VIP Jr. VIP

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    last words of a drunken tourist in the woods: who the fuck are you to harvest raspberry here in this fur?
     
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  20. lanbo

    lanbo Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    wanna hear a pizza joke?

    nevermind its too cheesy
     
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