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Member in Need, Not for $$ just some relationship advice.

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by laptopdiva, Nov 29, 2008.

  1. laptopdiva

    laptopdiva Junior Member

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    Hi all,

    Well, I'm here to ask for your advice and help. Why? My husband of 12yrs has decided that he loves me but is not "in love" with me. This is shocking to say the least. I won't go into our whole life story, but I will say that I have always been happy and I really thought we were in this forever. We have 2 young children and I never in my life thought we would end up here.

    He's not the most open person in the world and I do have to admit that we have grown apart emotionally. Mostly since I started my quest to earn money online. He has no interest whatsoever in what I am trying to do. He has told me in so many words that he doesn't understand it and doesn't want to understand it.

    Two years ago he accepted a very high stress position at work and it has been since then that we have started having problems. Financial, emotional, etc. But we always seemed to work though it.

    So now things are up in the air. Part of me wants to scream and holler and smack him upside the head and say "what the hell are you thinking?" and the other part of me wants to just be ok and worry about "me", mostly because I've spent the last 12 years thinking of everyone else but me.

    I'm tired of crying, but mostly I'm tired. I find it's always nice to hear from other people and would appriciate any advice or cheering up you wish to give. :) After all, you all are practically my family.
     
  2. valwardon

    valwardon BANNED BANNED

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    :yield: uhhhh uhh oh dear god . uhh Wow yeah . Ummmm *coughs nervously*

    Uhh think of yourself first . You are number one . If you are not ok than your children are not ok and your umm man is not ok . So ummm do what is best for you . Uhhh how did this get here .

    *why did I just give advice to a gurl?*
     
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  3. bape

    bape BANNED BANNED

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    im not married, but what i would do is take a vacation.

    somewhere far away - to help relieve the stress and to spend time with your family.

    you need and so does your family. ;)
     
  4. bape

    bape BANNED BANNED

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    if i had kids, i would put them first.

    i would only do things that's best for them.

    that's just me tho.
     
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  5. valwardon

    valwardon BANNED BANNED

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    That is a trap you see . If you are in an abusive relationship and you are staying "for the kids" it is harmful for the kids .

    In general anything that hurts you mentally phyically emotionally is BAD for your kids . So to woory about your health and safety first is the only rational thing to do .
     
  6. On_The_Edge

    On_The_Edge Newbie

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    How old is this dude?

    He sounds like he could be having some sort of a crisis. Same thing happened to me with my ex mate.

    Be good to yourself and to your kids. If it is indeed one of these situations you will have to decide if you want to stay with it for the long haul or get out.

    Try hitting up a forum I think it's called fortysixty.org. You might find some insight there.
     
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  7. bape

    bape BANNED BANNED

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    true, but why would i want my kids to be in a family where one of the parent is being abusive?

    I would simply take my kids with me and drift off to a "safe place"

    clearly, laptopdiva isn't invovled in an abusive relationship, so i gave my "advice" accordingly ;)
     
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  8. Bugalugs

    Bugalugs Regular Member

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    Well laptopdiva...have been there.....but I am the one that left. And funnily enough our problems started when I stated spending a lot more time on my computer. At first it was encouraged but when I showed an aptitude for it ....well thats another matter.There comes a time when love is not enough.

    I'll bet if you suddenly let him think that you can quite easily move on with your life ( whether this is true or not)...he would be surprised. Do not let him see any tears, do your crying in the shower and do not do any begging. A needy person is very quickly let go.

    An independant person comes as a shock to your partner as they have so long seen the slave to their whims.
    You are a person in your own right and as entitled to be looked after just the same as those you are looking after. If you are still living together start saying "no" to some requests. Men prefer a stronger woman, even if I may say it at times a bitch! They do love a bitch. Its all to do with stupid conquests.

    It is hard to deal with the children issues as you share them together so this man will always be in your life to some degree if you decide to divorce.
    If you want him back, become as independant as possible...it will intrigue him that you can move on so quickly. Unfortunately if there is another woman in the background none of this will really work.

    Look after your grooming, start telling him to babysit while you go out. Join clubs etc. Get a new hairstyle etc. Even if you just want to sit on your computer all the time....don't...you must go out. Gives you a very fresh perspective and will help clear your head as to steps you may take in the future. If all your friends are at home, still married, join a singles club ( not a singles bar) or a parents without partners club etc to give you some company. I have met lovely lovely people in some of these. There are lots of people in the same boat.

    Now it seems you really do not wish to let him go, so the first thing you must do is to allow him to do so if he wishes with no "hollering" etc. You must not give him what he may have come to expect of you. You must SHOCK him with your sudden independence, elegance and attitude. He may be used to the person who clings. This very important not to do so. He is expecting it so don't do it. You must first and foremost become a strong woman in his eyes
    ( even if underneath you are a quivering jelly). Strangely enough as you takes these steps you will become strong. It is empowering.

    And of course it hurts and is miserable and you are tired of the effort. You are allowed that. Grieve as much as you like (on your own) or with your mum, sisters and friends. It is only natural as when you said your "I do" it meant forever to you. Scream into your pillow when alone or even out aloud.
    get those frustrations out. There is twelve years worth so just get them out !

    People change and it can happen to everyone. There are no quick fixes.
    Just know you are a wonderful woman who has loved and nurtured her family to the best of your ability. Time for you now !
     
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  9. bape

    bape BANNED BANNED

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    yeah, that basically sums up my advice.

    as for the OP, you should always keep that in your head ;)
     
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  10. laptopdiva

    laptopdiva Junior Member

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    Rickrufus,
    What you wrote, made me cry.......you really get it and I thank you.
    My first initial reaction was to cry and beg and now I know that was a mistake. Today is different. I went out and got a hair cut. Made myself look very nice and basically I have an attitude of being happy (although inside I am crying hard). Not sure if it's working, I think he's planning on leaving. Which I think will be good. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And I know he hates not being at home, so it's just a matter of time.

    I'm a stay at home mom so this is very scary for me. I don't pull in enough income with my online stuff to support myself or my kids but I need to be strong and make him see that I'll be fine with out him. Even though I don't believe it myself.

    This to shall pass and whether we get though it together or apart, I know I will survive. Not only for my own sanity but for my kids because they matter most.
     
  11. Bugalugs

    Bugalugs Regular Member

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    No laptopdiva, you actually matter most. When you fly in an aircraft they will always point out that you must put your mask on first before your children because if something happens to you there is no-one to cater to the children. This is not a selfish attitude..its an attitude of survival for all concerned.

    Do not expect your husband to come to his senses straight away...he may never do so and then you will be letting yourself in for a fall. He may do in time...just allow him that time and you go about doing what you must do.

    Being a single mum will be the hardest thing you ever do, should he decide to leave. You must develop networks with other mums. Do not be afraid of childcare as this will help your children develop socially and give you some time because you will need it.

    As your husband is the instigator of this situation he will need to shoulder a great deal of the responsibility in caring for the childrens needs. I don't know how old your children are but I would say quite young due the length of your marriage. Do not be afraid to insist on his time in caring for the children. This will help in a small way to help them as well. He is after all half shares in them. Do not let the WHOLE load fall on you.
    If the children do not seem to be taking the split very well do not be afraid to ask for medical help either. Better to have it talked out now than to face problems further down the road. This also applies to you too.

    Search, search search for all the help you can get. Its there !

    No woman is an island, take all the help from whomever you can. We are not superwomen as much as we try to be.
    I guess our pride gets in the way but this is one time you must not let it.

    You must try to do all this whilst maintaining an air of independence.
    get a part time job, go to college part time .......anything to develop the strong empowered woman inside. As discussed previously ...socialise.

    I realise being a single mum is a FULL time job but time for you is also a way to work things through and you get this by mixing with people outside your immediate group. I can hear you saying...where will I get the time.....you must make it. This is a sanity saver. It will help you to make better decisions and you will find that you can tackle life a little better no matter what you are feeling underneath. Don't forget that pillow !

    My heart cries for you, but my head knows it will all work out whatever the outcome. This will not be quick so develop your patience until it hurts.
    I am sending you a big hug and tears to share.
     
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  12. laptopdiva

    laptopdiva Junior Member

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    Your post gives me strength, when I don't think I have any strength left in me.

    Tonight I asked him to leave. I didn't cry, and I wasn't angry when I did it. I told
    him it would be best to get some space. Plus I wanted to be the one to make the
    decision, instead of him leaving me. Maybe I made it easier on him, but it is better this way. My son (10) returned from a sleepover while he was packing. He is a sweet and very empathetic little boy (didn't get that from my husband). I hugged him and told him I loved him, and then explained that daddy was leaving. I just wanted to cry so hard but I stayed strong. He went into the bedroom where my hubby was packing and told him that he had a good time at his sleepover. Then he went in his room. :(
    I waited to talk to him until after dad left and told him everything was going to be ok. and that it is ok to be sad and he is allowed to be upset. I reminded him that I love him very much and we are going to be fine. We have a lot of plans to keep us busy!
    He was worried about where his dad was going and I couldn't help him because I don't even know. I didn't ask. I told him he could call his dad any time so he did. He told him he would see him this weekend.
    Now my heart is really breaking even worse because I can hear my son crying himself to sleep.

    Before he left he told me to call him if I needed anything at all.
    I waved, smiled and said I'll be fine. Even though I'm a mess, he doesn't need to know that. We had talked earlier and I mentioned getting counseling. This is something he has never been interested in doing. Even now. He has no desire to reconcile, his exact words.
    BUT, before he left he asked me to make an appointment and what time he would be available.
    Part of me wants to run and get this counseling now, but another part of me doesn't. I'm so angry at him and hate what he is doing to our family. Part of me would like to never see him again, even though he has been my true love for 18 years. We had talked about how we were soul mates and were meant to be together. This was when times were good.
    I see I've done enough blabbering. sorry. But thank you to everyone who has offered a virtual shoulder to cry on. You will never know how much I appreciate it. :)
     
  13. virus_1720

    virus_1720 Jr. VIP Jr. VIP Premium Member

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    i suggest taking time out together if u cannot go on a vacation do small things like cooking 2getha, bathing 2getha and stuff. do the things he loves and make him feel respected and wanted. do things that he always wanted you to do. Enjoy every moment with him and if he is tired of your online biz just take a break for a while. Relationship is more important than money.
    I pray for you
     
  14. laptopdiva

    laptopdiva Junior Member

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    OMG just reading the front page of fortysixty.org describes my hubby in perfect detail. I thought early thirty's would be too young for a mid life crisis. WOW
    Explains alot. :(