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LOL This is awesome!

Discussion in 'BlackHat Lounge' started by craig-spencer, May 13, 2008.

  1. craig-spencer

    craig-spencer Newbie

    Jan 10, 2008
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    I dunno bout you guys, but this is just my type of humor.
    I found it on Gumtree, i just think its funny that she put this up on classifieds!!

    OK last night i decided my life is all in all more interesting.. dramatic, dangerous, mad, fiery, scary, and more real that ANY soap on TV.. but.. every now and then, a girl needs some time out.. SO i decided i'd give gummies a little "bullet point" presentation of my life, and see if anyone fancied a straight swap for a while. Think of it kind of like "freaky friday" .. for those who remember the original.


    1 - You would experience life as a 5ft woman with breasts bigger than her head (not as much fun as you would imagine)

    2 - you would have 2 cats who often try to smother you in your sleep and who would sell you happily for a can of tuna

    3 - You would be a red head (ginger).. (If you can get through the first 18 years of abuse.. its a breeze!

    4 - you would have four huge (often angry) brothers.. who for the reason of protecting the innocent shall be named "Bernie, Bobby, Benji and ..errrmm Butch!
    They will give you no peace at all.. will wrap you in cotton wool for the remainder of your time with them.. follow your every move and ask 100 questions if you so much as sneeze. They will also shout, growl and make threatening behaviour at any man who come within 50 feet of you..so dating is a huge "no no" until you are about 95!

    5 - You will have a hamster who is like a houdini on speed, and will escape from everything you house him in.. biting through wire, cages, plastic and even your hand should he feel it necessary.

    6 - You will go to work everyday and teach horrible, rich, spoilt little brats who drive cars that "daddy bought them" that cost more than your house, and just like me, you will fight the urge to throw things at them.. like bricks for instance!

    7 - you will drive a Ford KA... but you will not drive it like the small car it is.. you will drive it like the Puma you used to have which you loved, but that a nasty nasty man who shall rot in hell crashed into and it was written off. (i have since bough new car.. but its not included in swap as it may result in your sudden death if something was to happen to it)

    8 - you will be blessed with 3 lovely neices and nephews:

    A boy.. aged 5 who for internet safety we shall call "LittlesmartAss"

    a girl aged 20 months ... who we shall call "princess scream Till i pee myself"

    and a baby .. aged 4 and a half months, who we shall call "miss piggy"

    These children shall be in your life, screaming.. crying.. puking, peeing, pooping, eating, talking you to death @ 6am, beating you at bowling, stealing your food, depriving you off sleep, and bleeding your bank account dry for the rest of your life (as me) .. and you will feel truly blessed ( as i do)

    9 - you will have some very good.. loving, caring friends in your life who you can call upon at a moments notice. You would have:

    The Gay one:
    hard working., respects all for who they are.. except for people who wear socks with sandals.. he discriminates against them (i hope you are not one of those for your sake)

    The Owned one:
    You will be this persons boss.. please be careful with him, he is the only one who knows my filing system

    The slutty one:
    She is an awesome girl.. she tells it like it is.. and shes not afraid to say "no" .. even when she really should. Try not to ask her about Marcus from Birmingham.. its not a good time in your (my) life to die!

    The others:
    they come in many shapes and sizes and make up a collection of 1 artist, a comedian, a dog trainer, 6 bank workers, 2 PR staff, 15 Dancers, (no not the lap, club or pole type) 1 tesco manager and a guy who fixes things, on dark nights wearing a balaclava! *enough said*

    10 - You will have the ex from hell who makes that chick from fatal attraction look quite tame. He will call you twice a day.. everyday, he will send you the flowers he knows you hate, he will text you and abuse those you love most, he will e-mail you songs, poems, and love letters that make you wish you were related to the mafia and you could just ask your cousin "vinnie" to "take care of him"

    OK.. i think thts the main stuff covered.. everything else you will either pick up as you go along.. OR.. there isnt a chance in hell i am even telling you about.. far less letting you have

    SO... GUMMIES.... What kind of life could you offer me in return?

    Look forward to your replies.. or as it is gumtree... "your abuse"


    Thats fukin genius :D
  2. stargate03

    stargate03 Registered Member

    Mar 2, 2007
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