Long story short, i can relate to your story. I've been suffering from OCD/depression all my life. I will be 40 next year. I will share a few things you can do, that if done correctly will 100% have effect in your life: 1. Therapy. Find a good therapist and tell him your story, dont leave anything out. Get a diagnose, depression? ocd? anxiety? bipolar? Once you found out with what mental disorder you are dealing, learn everything about your disorder. You can find tons of articles on the internet or order books. Learn everything you can from the therapist on how to deal with your disorder. This does not happen over night, like it takes time, 1 year or more. 2. If you dont want to do method 1, then start reading everything you can about depression. If you have recurring thaughts, obsessions, about bad things, then you also have ocd. Get self help books or read self help articles. 3. Mindfulness! Like this is the best thing i have ever discovered...mindfulness is more or less meditation, but if learned and done correctly, you can incorporate this in your daily life. You have to meditate 20 minutes / day, every day. 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening. The easiest way is to do cubic respiration (google) and focus your attention on your breath. It does not matter if you have a quiet place or not, mindfulness does not mean you run or cast your thoughts out, it means you live with them, you study your thoughts, so let them go havok in your mind, without judging your thoughts, without thinking what your thoughts mean...in reality thoughts are nothing, thoughts are just a stupid explication our mind creates for the feelings that we have been pushing back...so whatever you feel let it out...let it run through your head, it doesnt mean anything...at the same time you push thoughts gentle back and focus on your breath. You can buy a book about this. The thing is, if you do this every day for 1-2 months, your brain actually learns to do this on his own, and you can apply this to everyday life without having to meditate. Its real and its been proven scientifically. 4. Sports. Do whatever sports you like, jogging, gym, fitness, hiking...do it at least 3-5 times / week. For depression this very very important. 5. Food. Start eating healthy. There are specific foods you can eat for depression (google). 6. Find a support group. Whatever you are feeling or going through, i can guarantee you, you are not alone. 7. I've grown up with an alcooholic father and i've almost also become an alcooholic. I used to drink every day when i was in my 20's. I used to smoke weed every day. Both are not good for your mental health. While everyone thinks week is healthy, it actually modifies how your brain works. So for example if you are feeling happy today, it will amplify happy, but if you are feeling depressive it will amplify sadness. If you do 1, 2 and 3 it will also help with your addictions. Addictions are a method you've developed to deal with your mind. 8. Life in front of the computer is not helping us at all...staying all day in front of the computer actually increases our impulses, our depression...we need to go out as often as possible, find new hobbies, make new friends. Easier said than done, i know... 9. There are a few books that helped me. Acceptance and commitment therapy, The Little Book of Mindfulness, Letting go: The Pathway of Surrender. 10. If you need help sleeping, there is nothing better than melatonin. Its like the natural sleep hormone. I dont know if there is anything i could say, that would actually create an instant revelation and would help you, but i'm going to say that the past does not matter, the past can only control you if you think about the past...Hope this helps!